alone again

well.  here i sit.  four dogs.  one ran off, but i retrieved him and now all of them and i are in my room with the door closed.  life is hard today.
i don't feel
pretty enough
like i'm enough
 thin enough
 pleasant enough
helpful enough
friendly enough
spiritual enough
delightful enough
enjoyable enough


because if i was......

i would have been

enough.

but i wasn't.

i'm not.

so, i've cried again.
and laughed at myself for my pity party
but my heart hurts.
a lot

i wanted to grab a friend and take a pretty mountain drive.
soak in the beauty.
enjoy it together.
but my friends were at my ex's party
or have other plans.

and ya know
people seem to like to be with me
or call me
or text me
when there's a purpose or a need
but that's pretty much it.

and i think that i'm just kind of
screwed.
i ask.
i say what i'd like.
but the world is a busy place
and i am not held close enough
to be a priority
and i will never again beg
to be a priority
for anybody
ever.
i won't beg
i won't guilt
i won't remind
i won't even wish
because the one lesson that i learned very well
is that someone being with you falsely
is worse than being alone

so, if i had a car, i'd go to a movie or out get a drink and a movie
i'd do something
because being alone in this room where i lived

with him

it's damn hard
today

not always
but today

because he's with the slender
younger
blond
woman
who now has my kids,
grandkids,
friends,
church
and husband
my town basically
since when she's here, this town feels small

yep.
alone again.
hit me like a brick.

oh, and a real brick hit me today as well.
my swollen and bruised foot
matches my aching and bruised heart

i really did
try in life
to be kind
gentle
loving
peaceful

and i plan on being moreso
as time goes by
but somehow
i guess i just don't fit in

not anymore

i divorced that nice man.
snort.
i did love well
i did try hard
i did have to stop
or die
i didn't want to die
though for years,
i was willing
i prayed that god would take me
so that my ex would be happy
because he was miserable with me
and i knew it
and divorce
"wasn't an option"
until it was

and now, here i am.
and there he is.
he got all of the people to side with him
as he always did
if he noticed i was getting close,
he charmed his way in
and there it is....
i'm not as charming
i don't fall under anyone's radar.
i'm not needy
but i have needs

choosing not to be the victim
has remained the hardest part of this journey
because it continually means a sense
of being invisible
i peek out now and then
or say a little something to try to explain how i feel
but i never just get it all out
no fair no fair no fair
i don't throw that tantrum
that rises up
i choose
to do differently

so sad tonight
should have made something to look forward to
but who knew
that him getting everything for his 50th
would hurt so damn bad?

Ever the Same

i have grown.  i have changed.  i have healed.  and i am ever the same.

i care deeply.  even when someone treats me poorly.  yesterday, i gave cash that i don't really have to spare to help my kids feel less stressed about their dad's birthday party food expense.  the party where he will turn 50 with his girlfriend.  the party that they tried to plan as a surprise but which go waylaid a bit and so now people know...but they were planning it.  and it's ever the same because that's how it was most years for my birthday.  i planned for him with the kids.  i taught them.  we schemed and talked about what to do and what to get.  my birthday was six weeks earlier and was generally a morning of or maybe late night before "what do you want to eat for your birthday?"
this year was hard.
i held out hope for far too long that my kids were just waiting until they were back in the state or something like that.  silly?  i know.  and not even very important.  and i excused them with their busy lives and limited money and whatever.  but then, there was the party for their dad.  and then the stress for my eldest son because he hadn't planned on so many people financially....and then there was me.....rescuing and honoring what my ex deserves.  because turning 50 is a big deal.  it's a blessing.  it's a wow moment.
but i saw him and his girl yesterday and was nearly in the same place twice more.  guess god saw fit to change my mind by  a couple of minutes.  and he and she took out the grandkids.
and my kids promised a big party at my next 50. :)  so, i'll live to be 100.
but last night, i realized that it's still ever the same.  still the fact that i have nowhere to run.  i have nobody who sees that sometimes i just need to be seen for who i am and not as a strong woman.  though, i am strong, sometimes, i just want to sit and watch a show or be quiet or whatever.....just soak in the comfort of being me without being anything to anyone else.  and i have been a lot to others in the last few days.  i got weary.  and i was alone.  and i actually like being alone.  but sometimes, i just need to lean somewhere.  and there was nowhere.
i was efficient.  i took care of what needed to be done.  i did it well.
and i cried my tears alone.
and i still doing so.
my kids will sit at church with my friends.
with my ex.
with his new woman.
with my grandkids.
he will be celebrated greatly.
he will be acknowledged.
and i am invisible.

but still.....it's not like it was before.  because now i can have my feelings.  i can weep and move on.  i can garden and read and write and plan what to do around my house.  i can acknowledge myself.  even when it's all alone.  i can acknowledge that i did something well....at great personal cost.  huge personal cost.  and i can also smile and look back and remember that i always knew that there was someone else that he cherished but that it wasn't me.  it was never me.  and living how i am now is loads better than living with someone who wished he was somewhere else.  who pretended.  who treated me poorly and with disdain.  who shamed me.  who pushed me away.  and this is where we got to.  and i am happy.
but there are some moments where i wish that i was seen.  that i wish that the losses and sacrifices were noted.  my kids just expect it.  my friends figure it's what i wanted so all was well.  what i wanted was a whole family.  but the price of that was living a lie.  so, i choose this.  i CHOSE this.
and i smile when i realize how right i was.  he wanted someone else.  and he has her.

it's just a little sad that she is sitting in my seat.  eating food i bought.  being with my grandchildren.  and that she doesn't know.  he doesn't know.  i have been gracious today.  i have helped the kids to do what they should do....because it's part of being a good parent.  teaching.  guiding.
but i deserve some time off about me.  maybe a mountain day trip.

Still Walking

It has been awhile since I've written.  I've been working hard and dealing with a lot of things to do.  I have a couple of sons home...one for the summer and one for the year.  I am happy to have them, and I am also having heartache about one.  The resentment/contempt that he has begun to show in little moments have reminded me of his dad.  And that's hard.  It's hard to have someone not ask why, not want to discuss, not want help, but want help....it's really hard to be a single mom of young men.  Their dad plays with them occasionally.  I'm the only catalyst for forward motion.  I'm the only one that they take out any emotional stuff on.  And, right now, I am tired.  School has worn me out.  I love my students and my curriculum and my coworkers.  A large amount of people that I love working with are leaving and my heart is aching.
And, it's good to talk about it.  But my kids don't really care.  I might get an "mmm hmmmm"....from them.  Maybe.
I slept yesterday and that helped a lot.
I'm still walking.
Sometimes I want to say, "your dad was a real jerk to me and that's why I divorced him so quit giving me crap....I had enough for a lifetime."  But I won't.
Just keep walking.
And loving.
And learning how to do things with grace.  Somehow.
blessings.

the clouds

clouds come in life.

and cast shadows.

and the shadows feel like reality

but the reality is that there's a whole world of light above the clouds. 

and faith means choosing to remember the sunny place above the clouds when all you can see is the shadow.  the dark.  

but sometimes the storm comes even up above the clouds

darkness threatens to overtake the light

and at that moment, the only thing to do is to take a breath and trust the Pilot.  there's nothing to do.  there's nothing to control.  all you can do is relax, breathe and have faith that you are still in the light.  clouds come.  

but they are not the reality.

the reality is the light

that causes clouds

to cast a shadow.

it's not dark.

just shadowed.

be of good courage.

there is light.

everywhere.