Life in the After

I have been divorced for a few years now.  I have figured out much.  I have done more than survive.  I have failed miserably monetarily and yet God has been kind.  I have faltered and stumbled and struggled.  Life has been messy and complicated and the day after day learning has been tiring.  And.  I love the AND.  Invigorating. Totally invigorating.  Learning to lean into those things that hurt, not trying to fix them nor manipulate it in any way.
And today is a holiday.  One of the big ones.
Today, I got a call inviting me to Thanksgiving since "we hadn't realized that you would be alone but you could come over."  This call came when dinner was due to go on the table very soon.  And it wasn't hurtful.  I was thankful for the call.  But, I was also able to decline.  The call reminded me of several years ago when the same person called me shortly before Thanksgiving to explain that they were going to invite their "real" family so that everyone could work through some things and that they were sure that I would understand why we wouldn't be invited.  It was painful as my family wound up just us at the table and having to fill in the things that others would have been making.The kids didn't understand.   I tried to act ok.  But, obviously it has left a mark. A wound.  And the wound is ok.  It's healed.  Sore in certain circumstances, but unable to take away my dignity in the now. A battle scar.That is a gift. I am thankful.  I know that the wound was deep because not having "real" family around is a constant void.  It's a fact of my life.  Those who are "blood" related are distant acquaintances.  Those that are not have those who are "real".
But, on this day, Thanksgiving 2015, I realize that I'm completely ok. Completely.  Even while struggling.  Even when nobody is in my corner.  Even if it's rare to hear from others.  Even if I may be an after thought often.  Even if I'm not "real" to some.  Somehow, I'm just.........happy.  With what is.  Not what might be.  Not what could have been.  What is.  The mixed up, crazy, financially stressful, hectic, house falling apart reality of what is.  I can live and be at peace.  No need to be in control.  No need to figure it out.
Life in the after has brought peace.  No lonely in the alone.  It has taught me to be proactive...and when I can't, rest.  Novel.  Truly novel.
Thankful.  More than ever.  With less.  Less friends.  Less money.  Less kids at home.  Less.  So thankful.  Here in this life in the after.
I am not an afterthought.  I was planned.  There is a plan.  And even I in all of my messiness cannot screw that up.
blessings.

Pay off the Bitch Party

I had a friend say that his friend was going to throw him a party in half a year.  He will have met his obligation in paying his ex.  Apparently the party has a given name in male circles.  It....crushed me. It hurt.  Here I am troubled by the fact that I have debt from my kids' college, that I pay to keep up our rental house mortgage payments, that I pay for all of their needs and he feeds them a couple of meals a month......maybe.  I pay for all of their needs.  And their wants.  And he will get to quit paying.  Legally.
Got me thinking about perspective.  My friend is different than my ex.  He will still go halves on his kids' time and financial needs.  He will just stop paying alimony.  But the idea hit me hard that all of the time I put into marriage and raising kids and took away from my career was pretty easily brushed off.
So, in the midst of trying to stay afloat currently I also have to look down the road a year and a half.  I have no clue how that will work.  But, I will just trust that somehow it will.  God is good that way.
But, I wonder when the hurt will go away.  Ever? Maybe not.
The wound was deep.  When it gets poked it hurts.