I am learning so very much.
The desires of my heart are not something I can contrive nor force. They are as much a part of me as my blue eyes or average height. They are as deeply ingrained as the pigment in my skin. As unique as the beat of my heart. There lives no other person on earth with the same combination of skills, gifts, foibles, fears, hopes, or purpose. Just me. I was made to be me in my time to affect the places that I inhabit.
But, somewhere, I got a bit offtrack. I thought that there were a lot of supposed to's. I thought that God judged me by how often I......fill in the blank. But, through these last years, He has become a daily companion. The friend from my youth returned. The champion of my soul. The believer in who I am and the encourager of my dreams. And I have wept. And laughed. And danced. And trembled. How delightful. How truly terrifying. For, if there are absolutely no impossibilities with Him, then what have I been doing all of these years? Why do I tiptoe so often? Why do I find myself trying to fit in? To be like? Accepted?
I already am.
He does.
And let me tell you, I'm strange. Very strange. And yet.....I'm valuable.
I make people feel safe. I give kudos and encouragement and building up. I am forthright. I love deeply. I give my whole heart. I am vulnerable. I am willing to give at great cost. I am sensitive. And........I'm a huge pain in the ass. I interrupt when I'm excited about what someone is sharing. I am a messy eater. I despise when people I love are being taken advantage of......even by other people that I love. I am not tidy.
But, I am. I am alive. I am alive and healthy. I am alive and healthy and full of dreams.
Absolutely full of dreams.
Silly dreams.
Really.
I want to make a difference with kids. Imagine, I want to teach in a way where kids get to play and learn and explore. I want to guide and lead. Not......shovel information. I want to give them confidence. Build them up. Demand a lot from them and see them soar.
I want to travel. See new people. Slow down and enjoy this big world the great God of ours made.
I want to walk beaches regularly.
I want to find my creative side. I dream of writing, but that is a thing that makes me tremble..."oh the arrogance to think that anyone would read what I have to say....".
I want to learn to rest. Truly rest and quit running in life. That is maybe the biggest thing right now. I am tired of constantly trying to get too much done in too short of a time. Just writing this caused me to feel the total heaviness of that load. I need to do something different so that I can take care of me...or somehow do this differently.
Somehow. I'm really not sure how. I don't know what this life is going to look like. But, I plan on selling my home. I love my home. It's not an easy choice. But, selling it allows me to be debt free. I will pay off everything. I will live within my means. I will learn how to really live and not exist from one expectation to the next.
Terrified. Hopeful. Foolish. Wise. It's all mixed up together. I long to be wise without being held captive to the expectations of cultural norms. I long to be hopeful while not being a fool. I long to be courageous but not foolhardy. I long to step off of the precipice and find that the Lord of all heaven and earth catches me and flies me to what He has had waiting for me all along. I can't mess up. I know this. No matter where I go or what I do, His hand guides. He knows me. He gets me. He knew how long it would take for me to heal and finally get to this point of being willing to risk absolutely everything to walk more fully in the person that He created me to be.
He knows. That's enough. Nothing else matters.
I am safe.
Not comfortable. Not complacent. Not able on my own. Not sure. Not able to see ahead.
Yet.
Safe.
I am totally safe.
And the desires of my heart were put there to guide me. To lead me to where I need to be and to the lives He needs me to touch. It's delightful to think that He has a purpose for me still. A mission. A ministry. And it isn't a bunch of religious mumbo jumbo but rather a real and living relationship to share. A testimony of what wholeness can come from complete brokenness. From looking up. From falling face down. From being humbled but not humiliated. From.......being allowed to have as much time as I need to heal. He doesn't rush me. I love that. That is a testimony all of it's own.
A testimony to the amazing God who holds even me together.
Funny how He can use the desires of my heart to bring glory to Him.
May there be much glory given to Him
blessings.
The desires of my heart are not something I can contrive nor force. They are as much a part of me as my blue eyes or average height. They are as deeply ingrained as the pigment in my skin. As unique as the beat of my heart. There lives no other person on earth with the same combination of skills, gifts, foibles, fears, hopes, or purpose. Just me. I was made to be me in my time to affect the places that I inhabit.
But, somewhere, I got a bit offtrack. I thought that there were a lot of supposed to's. I thought that God judged me by how often I......fill in the blank. But, through these last years, He has become a daily companion. The friend from my youth returned. The champion of my soul. The believer in who I am and the encourager of my dreams. And I have wept. And laughed. And danced. And trembled. How delightful. How truly terrifying. For, if there are absolutely no impossibilities with Him, then what have I been doing all of these years? Why do I tiptoe so often? Why do I find myself trying to fit in? To be like? Accepted?
I already am.
He does.
And let me tell you, I'm strange. Very strange. And yet.....I'm valuable.
I make people feel safe. I give kudos and encouragement and building up. I am forthright. I love deeply. I give my whole heart. I am vulnerable. I am willing to give at great cost. I am sensitive. And........I'm a huge pain in the ass. I interrupt when I'm excited about what someone is sharing. I am a messy eater. I despise when people I love are being taken advantage of......even by other people that I love. I am not tidy.
But, I am. I am alive. I am alive and healthy. I am alive and healthy and full of dreams.
Absolutely full of dreams.
Silly dreams.
Really.
I want to make a difference with kids. Imagine, I want to teach in a way where kids get to play and learn and explore. I want to guide and lead. Not......shovel information. I want to give them confidence. Build them up. Demand a lot from them and see them soar.
I want to travel. See new people. Slow down and enjoy this big world the great God of ours made.
I want to walk beaches regularly.
I want to find my creative side. I dream of writing, but that is a thing that makes me tremble..."oh the arrogance to think that anyone would read what I have to say....".
I want to learn to rest. Truly rest and quit running in life. That is maybe the biggest thing right now. I am tired of constantly trying to get too much done in too short of a time. Just writing this caused me to feel the total heaviness of that load. I need to do something different so that I can take care of me...or somehow do this differently.
Somehow. I'm really not sure how. I don't know what this life is going to look like. But, I plan on selling my home. I love my home. It's not an easy choice. But, selling it allows me to be debt free. I will pay off everything. I will live within my means. I will learn how to really live and not exist from one expectation to the next.
Terrified. Hopeful. Foolish. Wise. It's all mixed up together. I long to be wise without being held captive to the expectations of cultural norms. I long to be hopeful while not being a fool. I long to be courageous but not foolhardy. I long to step off of the precipice and find that the Lord of all heaven and earth catches me and flies me to what He has had waiting for me all along. I can't mess up. I know this. No matter where I go or what I do, His hand guides. He knows me. He gets me. He knew how long it would take for me to heal and finally get to this point of being willing to risk absolutely everything to walk more fully in the person that He created me to be.
He knows. That's enough. Nothing else matters.
I am safe.
Not comfortable. Not complacent. Not able on my own. Not sure. Not able to see ahead.
Yet.
Safe.
I am totally safe.
And the desires of my heart were put there to guide me. To lead me to where I need to be and to the lives He needs me to touch. It's delightful to think that He has a purpose for me still. A mission. A ministry. And it isn't a bunch of religious mumbo jumbo but rather a real and living relationship to share. A testimony of what wholeness can come from complete brokenness. From looking up. From falling face down. From being humbled but not humiliated. From.......being allowed to have as much time as I need to heal. He doesn't rush me. I love that. That is a testimony all of it's own.
A testimony to the amazing God who holds even me together.
Funny how He can use the desires of my heart to bring glory to Him.
May there be much glory given to Him
blessings.
