I am a giver. Which is well and good. And I took to heart the verses about putting others above yourself. Loving others. Do unto others. For twenty years I have done so. Ok, really only 19....because last year I said enough. And it makes me wonder if I'm some kind of heathen. I know that God loves me. I know how great and good and kind He is. But I have a hard time believing that He would really want me to give away all of me that He made so that everyone else can be happy while I am miserable.
And then he says those words, "it's not supposed to be about happiness." And I cringe. And I, heathenishly think, "why the hell not?" But if I use a curse word, he'll tell me that I've hardened my heart. That I should be kinder. That I should show him more grace. But I have. Over and over again. Given and given some more.
But the giving isn't what the problem is. It's the being sucked dry. Being drained. Like I have been solely responsible to get everything and everyone filled back up again. He whines about his relationship with his nearly grown kids when I told him over a decade ago what he would have to do to have a real relationship with them. He tells me that he has rights. He makes me feel small because he "doesn't go out drinking every night like some guys do." As if that should be enough. It is always and forever about exactly what he wants, how he wants it and what he needs.
Including sex. If it hurts me that's ok. If I can have an orgasm, that is good because it "makes it better for him." And I want to scream. How can I keep going like this.
But I looked at my grandson yesterday and my heart broke. How can I be the one to break the hearts and hurt people I adore. Must I suffer for the rest of my life so that people I love can live in comfort? Isn't there a better way?
Can't I be myself? Please just love me though I don't please you. But you won't. This I know for a fact. You won't choose me. You will make a show of being the good and kind and dutiful man, but it's all on the outside. You have no compassion for those who have loved you most. being your wife or child is a nightmare. Because you are never pleased.
You choose to sodomize and condemn me with"isn't it my right?" You shame and you guilt. And you smile and call me "dear." And I cringe. I can barely be in this house when you are here. Can hardly take a breath. I long for breath. I wish you would have the kindness to go. But you do not. Guilting me and causing shame makes you somehow feel better.
We could never really talk. You would talk. You wanted me to solve your problems. To make life better. To hear how hard it was. You only prayed with me when you had trouble. And when I mentioned that this made me feel badly, you never prayed with me again. You have never given our children any spiritual training. You sing in the choir. Do solos. Teach Sunday School. Yet you have no real relationships.
When I would try to talk with you, you would be busy. Working. Antsy. Unless it was sex. Or about you. And if it was something troubling me that was about you, you would fight, put me in tears, argue for hours....and finally, after all of those hours, turn it about yourself and how I don't do enough to make you feel good.
And so, four years ago I thought it was over. But then events conspired and I hoped that you had learned something. That you would see me. see us. But you only see life as it pertains to you and what you want and how you want things. And you smile and put on a front to convince me to come back to your bed. To get me to think more highly of you so that I will return and make you feel happy enough.
But I cannot. Not without dying. Completely being annihilated. And it bothers me that you don't care. That you still seek me out to fix your world. Without ever having bothered to have known me. Without caring to. Maybe it's because you don't even know how to love yourself. I don't know. I don't have to know.
And I can't stay with you to keep the rest of the world in order for everyone else. Just can't do it. Though I love others and want to help them too. I guess I've answered the question to my first blog. He should go.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Unforgiveness
Funny, I can forgive people. Actually, it's not that hard. It just feels like the thing to do. But, forgiving myself is so very difficult. And, in this place of marriage, I have found that I have a hard time forgiving myself. I allowed this. Thirteen years ago, when he outright told me he was ashamed of me and that he SHOULD be, I should have parted ways. But, instead, I worked on improving my marriage. I put myself out there. Worked hard. More sex. More creative sex. Meals on the table. Clean up before he comes home. Don't nag. Blah blah blah. You know the routine. You have yours too. And when his family didn't feel like I was good enough, I should have taken the hint when he didn't say anything or stand up for me. But, I didn't. I fought my own battle. Until that became an issue and then I apologized as I was told and suffered for years on end.
I thought it MUST be me. Because, you see, I had married the perfect guy. Everyone says so. He sings in choir and holds down a job. He's a chore monster. He even does dishes. But he is hard hearted towards me. He has always let me know that I don't measure up. And, it's only now, in anonymity, that I'm able to say so. Because it's shameful. Because forgiving myself for covering up for him, for allowing him to be unkind, for trying to make him happy instead of living the blessed life I was given..........that's hard. Because love means forgiving THEM. Forgiving others. But, what about forgiving myself? Even if I am all of the things I've been judged to be. He's right.....not a great housekeeper. We differ on money as vastly as a fish and a cat do on water. Both need it, but use it differently. I should have known before we even married when he freaked out that I wanted to have my own bank account. But he was the perfect guy....right?
I have to forgive myself that I can't live up to what he wants me to be and be happy. I have tried every which way. Seriously. And now, I think that I need to be apart. To have time to heal. To sleep. To breathe. To not feel on edge every moment that I'm in my own house. I don't know that I want a divorce. I just need to know that I can be this person. That I am allowed the grace that I will give others. Without begging. Without being made to feel that an exception is being made. It's important to me. Because, frankly, I am losing health both emotionally and physically and how things are has to end.
And he won't hear me. Though I speak. It always comes out that I'm unforgiving, or hard heated or uncommitted. And, I guess I'll have to bear the labels. Truly, they seem less hideous than the option of staying together at this point.
Though he really is the perfect guy. He's funny. And a hard worker. He is smart. And good looking. And, even tall....I know, I'm totally shallow. But, I'm not for him. I am not that woman. The one that would make him smile easily. Oh, I can make him laugh. I can make an illusion of peace, but in reality, it's not me that makes him happy. It's a persona that I've learned to take on to keep the peace. But the role is wearing. It's time to get off the stage and live in my real life clothes.
Can't wait to see what comes. For, in the midst of the hardest times, the winds of grace continue to blow. Giving strength and peace. I sense that God is at work. Even if it's painful work. And His plans are for MY benefit as well as my husbands.......not one or the other. So, I will trust him.
I thought it MUST be me. Because, you see, I had married the perfect guy. Everyone says so. He sings in choir and holds down a job. He's a chore monster. He even does dishes. But he is hard hearted towards me. He has always let me know that I don't measure up. And, it's only now, in anonymity, that I'm able to say so. Because it's shameful. Because forgiving myself for covering up for him, for allowing him to be unkind, for trying to make him happy instead of living the blessed life I was given..........that's hard. Because love means forgiving THEM. Forgiving others. But, what about forgiving myself? Even if I am all of the things I've been judged to be. He's right.....not a great housekeeper. We differ on money as vastly as a fish and a cat do on water. Both need it, but use it differently. I should have known before we even married when he freaked out that I wanted to have my own bank account. But he was the perfect guy....right?
I have to forgive myself that I can't live up to what he wants me to be and be happy. I have tried every which way. Seriously. And now, I think that I need to be apart. To have time to heal. To sleep. To breathe. To not feel on edge every moment that I'm in my own house. I don't know that I want a divorce. I just need to know that I can be this person. That I am allowed the grace that I will give others. Without begging. Without being made to feel that an exception is being made. It's important to me. Because, frankly, I am losing health both emotionally and physically and how things are has to end.
And he won't hear me. Though I speak. It always comes out that I'm unforgiving, or hard heated or uncommitted. And, I guess I'll have to bear the labels. Truly, they seem less hideous than the option of staying together at this point.
Though he really is the perfect guy. He's funny. And a hard worker. He is smart. And good looking. And, even tall....I know, I'm totally shallow. But, I'm not for him. I am not that woman. The one that would make him smile easily. Oh, I can make him laugh. I can make an illusion of peace, but in reality, it's not me that makes him happy. It's a persona that I've learned to take on to keep the peace. But the role is wearing. It's time to get off the stage and live in my real life clothes.
Can't wait to see what comes. For, in the midst of the hardest times, the winds of grace continue to blow. Giving strength and peace. I sense that God is at work. Even if it's painful work. And His plans are for MY benefit as well as my husbands.......not one or the other. So, I will trust him.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Friends
You know, friends sure hold me up through a lot of things. I am a christian woman. I know that God desires the best for me. I know that He loves me. And, one of the most amazing things He has used in my life has been friends.
But there is this part of my life where they can't go....or where they shouldn't have to. Like it's too much. So, I feel as if I walk alone there....physically. I know that spiritually I am never alone. But I don't want to sit around and b***** all of the time about how bad things are. I don't want to have to try to explain or rationalize.
So, I showed up at church today. Stayed only for worship. Left. Nobody noticed. And that's a little bit sad. And what's more sad is that I was relieved by that. I just couldn't face the empty greetings today. I neeed to be still. To listen. Not to have to let people know that everything is ok so that it is ok for them too. Isn't it funny how that is? How sometimes we have to be ok for others?
I have the greatest friends in all of history. I have a deep sense of how much God loves me and has a plan. Yet, I still cannot go back. Can't live with how things are. So done with it.
Not that everything will be perfect. It's just that I need to be able to make my own messes. Need to be able to be myself. Without constant fear of what will happen. I feel trapped. I walk around my house avoiding rooms that he is in. I try to be out when he is in. In when he is out. I desperately need rest. Sleeping on the couch since July......not the most restful thing in the world. Need a space somewhere. A place where I can write or cry or laugh or study or be quiet or read or listen to music........and not be looked at all of the time as if I'm disappointing. Can't stand that.
Money. Yep. Source of contention. The tighter he gets the more I want to give it away. Ha. I know. I sound like I'm three years old. I just want to be the me I always was. I share easily. But, I gave, I tithed, I helped, and I gave myself. But now, everyone thinks that it's him. That he chose those good things. He reaps the good of the things I do while making me feel like crap. As he stood up singing in the worship choir today, I wondered if it bothers him how harsh he has been on his family all of these years. It bothers him that it isn't what it "should" look like. It bothers him about sex. But, how can he live with being so hard on the people who continually adapted and tried to do well?
If I ever answer that, perhaps I'll be able to know exactly what to do. Unstuck would be good.
But there is this part of my life where they can't go....or where they shouldn't have to. Like it's too much. So, I feel as if I walk alone there....physically. I know that spiritually I am never alone. But I don't want to sit around and b***** all of the time about how bad things are. I don't want to have to try to explain or rationalize.
So, I showed up at church today. Stayed only for worship. Left. Nobody noticed. And that's a little bit sad. And what's more sad is that I was relieved by that. I just couldn't face the empty greetings today. I neeed to be still. To listen. Not to have to let people know that everything is ok so that it is ok for them too. Isn't it funny how that is? How sometimes we have to be ok for others?
I have the greatest friends in all of history. I have a deep sense of how much God loves me and has a plan. Yet, I still cannot go back. Can't live with how things are. So done with it.
Not that everything will be perfect. It's just that I need to be able to make my own messes. Need to be able to be myself. Without constant fear of what will happen. I feel trapped. I walk around my house avoiding rooms that he is in. I try to be out when he is in. In when he is out. I desperately need rest. Sleeping on the couch since July......not the most restful thing in the world. Need a space somewhere. A place where I can write or cry or laugh or study or be quiet or read or listen to music........and not be looked at all of the time as if I'm disappointing. Can't stand that.
Money. Yep. Source of contention. The tighter he gets the more I want to give it away. Ha. I know. I sound like I'm three years old. I just want to be the me I always was. I share easily. But, I gave, I tithed, I helped, and I gave myself. But now, everyone thinks that it's him. That he chose those good things. He reaps the good of the things I do while making me feel like crap. As he stood up singing in the worship choir today, I wondered if it bothers him how harsh he has been on his family all of these years. It bothers him that it isn't what it "should" look like. It bothers him about sex. But, how can he live with being so hard on the people who continually adapted and tried to do well?
If I ever answer that, perhaps I'll be able to know exactly what to do. Unstuck would be good.
Realizations
I am coming to learn that this is a journey. A long and painful and joyful journey. Thirtten years ago he voiced that he was ashamed of me. And I was cut to the core. I was humiliated. I was left feeling ......like how would I perform better? How would I make my marriage better? How would I make him think that I was amazing. And I set out to do just that. Improving my marriage. With a man that found the basis of who I was shameful. That found who I was something to be ashamed of in front of his parents and family. For a man who was a "good" man and I felt like if I oculdn't make him adore me then I wasn't worth anything. Nobody to tell.
Is that how it starts? The downward spiral of pain. That sucks you up and makes you ill and makes you not breathe? And why is it that I am the only one who can look in the photos and say how incredibly sad I am? Look into my eyes, I want to say. "Doesn't anyone see me?" But nobody did. Nobody does. A master hider after all of these years. People see only what they want to see. And I don't hide so much for my sake, but for theirs. Nobody needs all of the crap. All of the pain. Nobody needs to get dirty in this with me. Or so I've thought.
But, today, I'm not sure. I'm not sure that I can keep doing this. I find myself hiding physically, emotionally, not being around if he is around. Not willing to let him hurt me anymore. Because every time he wants to talk it comes back to how I'm not supposed to harden MY heart. To how I should learn how to forgive. Frankly, that's craziness. But, I"m only lately able to realize. Yep, realizations come slowly. Revealing themselves over time. I have forgiven. Made allowances. Blatantly let him take the kudos through the years for who I am and excusing when he is stingy and hard hearted. Seriously. What's that about? Why am I so vested i9n being sure that HE looks good even to the demise of who I am?
Case in point, he went to the funeral of an uncle....step uncle....that I barely had contact with. He talks with my step mom in order to get his taxes done for free. He doesn't even hedge when she says to me last time we were together, "you were a really strange child." He doesn't say anything like, "wow, do you remember what she grew up facing?"
Never a word or a stance to protect. Unless it can gain him some points in front of sokmeone else. but, then, privately, he will second guess and say that I must have done something. Or, maybe another person is right. Are you kidding me? It makes me feel like I'm not worth loving or sticking up for.
But, today, TADA, I finally realized........"I need to plan to live and thrive and learn and love......and not spend the rest of my life moaning and groaning and wondering how I've failed at this." I need to allow myself to breathe. To think ahead. To hope. To dream. To not be beaten down by the constant unsupportiveness or meanness.
Oh, if I tell him what it is, he will make the right noises and gestures. He will make a list and conscienciously check off each thing he ought to do do be committed. But it never changes the fact that I am not the woman he cherishes in his heart. I wish he would let go. Go and be happy. Quit staying and making me try to makehim happy. Because, to do so, I would have to cease to exist. And, I've finally realized......after 20 years, that is simply not an option.
Is that how it starts? The downward spiral of pain. That sucks you up and makes you ill and makes you not breathe? And why is it that I am the only one who can look in the photos and say how incredibly sad I am? Look into my eyes, I want to say. "Doesn't anyone see me?" But nobody did. Nobody does. A master hider after all of these years. People see only what they want to see. And I don't hide so much for my sake, but for theirs. Nobody needs all of the crap. All of the pain. Nobody needs to get dirty in this with me. Or so I've thought.
But, today, I'm not sure. I'm not sure that I can keep doing this. I find myself hiding physically, emotionally, not being around if he is around. Not willing to let him hurt me anymore. Because every time he wants to talk it comes back to how I'm not supposed to harden MY heart. To how I should learn how to forgive. Frankly, that's craziness. But, I"m only lately able to realize. Yep, realizations come slowly. Revealing themselves over time. I have forgiven. Made allowances. Blatantly let him take the kudos through the years for who I am and excusing when he is stingy and hard hearted. Seriously. What's that about? Why am I so vested i9n being sure that HE looks good even to the demise of who I am?
Case in point, he went to the funeral of an uncle....step uncle....that I barely had contact with. He talks with my step mom in order to get his taxes done for free. He doesn't even hedge when she says to me last time we were together, "you were a really strange child." He doesn't say anything like, "wow, do you remember what she grew up facing?"
Never a word or a stance to protect. Unless it can gain him some points in front of sokmeone else. but, then, privately, he will second guess and say that I must have done something. Or, maybe another person is right. Are you kidding me? It makes me feel like I'm not worth loving or sticking up for.
But, today, TADA, I finally realized........"I need to plan to live and thrive and learn and love......and not spend the rest of my life moaning and groaning and wondering how I've failed at this." I need to allow myself to breathe. To think ahead. To hope. To dream. To not be beaten down by the constant unsupportiveness or meanness.
Oh, if I tell him what it is, he will make the right noises and gestures. He will make a list and conscienciously check off each thing he ought to do do be committed. But it never changes the fact that I am not the woman he cherishes in his heart. I wish he would let go. Go and be happy. Quit staying and making me try to makehim happy. Because, to do so, I would have to cease to exist. And, I've finally realized......after 20 years, that is simply not an option.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Hiding
It's not a good thing. Or maybe it is. Hiding under the covers. Hiding in a different room. Hiding out at the store or in a parking lots. Simply hiding. I've gone from clutching the edge of the bed to sleeping in the living room. Covering my head to not be disturbed in the morning when I might be "seen". How can I be so incredibly uncomfortable in my own home? But I know that I can't go back. I have to get stronger. I have been so crushed, so beaten down, that I had forgotten that I have abilities and that I have the right to have expectations. And that guilt does not change that.
I like peace. I will do nearly anything to maintain it. But I am getting cured. I am choosing truth. That's hard. I like to get along. Even if we don't agree. But getting along shouldn't be about giving up yourself. Completely. Getting lost. Being plowed under. No, it should be about MUTUAL respect. I'm afraid that I don't know much about that.
He wants sex. It's that simple. It has nothing to do with me. Or with what I want. Or how I feel. Or whether we are close. And, if he wants it that badly, he'll have to get it elsewhere. Makes me feel like a prostitute. Nice to me when there's that desire and not other times. Wants me to "enjoy" it so that he feels better. How in the world did I get to a place in my life that everything is about someone else and I am the one who feels guilty when I don't comply? I'm pretty sure that I made some big mistakes along the way in the name of being a christian wife, of being submissive, of trying to make a happy marriage. I know I did.
And I remember when I first realized it wasn't about me at all. Not that I have to be the center, but somehow I thought that I had married and would be cherished. Ha. I was mistaken.
Over the years I have become more and more troubled. Three years ago I was certain that we had to split. But, though most wouldn't realize it, I am very patient. Prayed and thought and decided to just give things time. To wait and try and be truthful and see. But, I still hid. I still do. I try to think of what I am afraid of. I know he's not going to beat me. Though he has made it obvious many times that he is much stronger than me and can always win a physical battle. It's not that. It's being so incredibly weary of the battling. Of the twisted words and crap. I just don't want to do it anymore. But whenever I get "caught" out of my shell, here comes the barrage. And I die a little bit. I say that I won't battle. He keeps after me.. Challenging. Arguing. Pushing. But he won't go away. Because to him that would be losing. He can win. I just wish he'd leave me be.
Grace
I like peace. I will do nearly anything to maintain it. But I am getting cured. I am choosing truth. That's hard. I like to get along. Even if we don't agree. But getting along shouldn't be about giving up yourself. Completely. Getting lost. Being plowed under. No, it should be about MUTUAL respect. I'm afraid that I don't know much about that.
He wants sex. It's that simple. It has nothing to do with me. Or with what I want. Or how I feel. Or whether we are close. And, if he wants it that badly, he'll have to get it elsewhere. Makes me feel like a prostitute. Nice to me when there's that desire and not other times. Wants me to "enjoy" it so that he feels better. How in the world did I get to a place in my life that everything is about someone else and I am the one who feels guilty when I don't comply? I'm pretty sure that I made some big mistakes along the way in the name of being a christian wife, of being submissive, of trying to make a happy marriage. I know I did.
And I remember when I first realized it wasn't about me at all. Not that I have to be the center, but somehow I thought that I had married and would be cherished. Ha. I was mistaken.
Over the years I have become more and more troubled. Three years ago I was certain that we had to split. But, though most wouldn't realize it, I am very patient. Prayed and thought and decided to just give things time. To wait and try and be truthful and see. But, I still hid. I still do. I try to think of what I am afraid of. I know he's not going to beat me. Though he has made it obvious many times that he is much stronger than me and can always win a physical battle. It's not that. It's being so incredibly weary of the battling. Of the twisted words and crap. I just don't want to do it anymore. But whenever I get "caught" out of my shell, here comes the barrage. And I die a little bit. I say that I won't battle. He keeps after me.. Challenging. Arguing. Pushing. But he won't go away. Because to him that would be losing. He can win. I just wish he'd leave me be.
Grace
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