Realizations

I am coming to learn that this is a journey.  A long and painful and joyful journey.  Thirtten years ago he voiced that he was ashamed of me.  And I was cut to the core.  I was humiliated.  I was left feeling ......like how would I perform better?  How would I make my marriage better?  How would I make him think that I was amazing.  And I set out to do just that.  Improving my marriage.  With a man that found the basis of who I was shameful.  That found who I was something to be ashamed of in front of his parents and family.  For a man who was a "good" man and I felt like if I oculdn't make him adore me then I wasn't worth anything.  Nobody to tell. 
Is that how it starts?  The downward spiral of pain.  That sucks you up and makes you ill and makes you not breathe?  And why is it that I am the only one who can look in the photos and say how incredibly sad I am?  Look into my eyes, I want to say.  "Doesn't anyone see me?"  But nobody did.  Nobody does.  A master hider after all of these years.  People see only what they want to see.  And I don't hide so much for my sake, but for theirs.  Nobody needs all of the crap.  All of the pain.  Nobody needs to get dirty in this with me.  Or so I've thought.
But, today, I'm not sure.  I'm not sure that I can keep doing this.  I find myself hiding physically, emotionally, not being around if he is around.  Not willing to let him hurt me anymore.  Because every time he wants to talk it comes back to how I'm not supposed to harden MY heart.  To how I should learn how to forgive.  Frankly, that's craziness.  But, I"m only lately able to realize.  Yep, realizations come slowly.  Revealing themselves over time.  I have forgiven.  Made allowances.  Blatantly let him take the kudos through the years for who I am and excusing when he is stingy and hard hearted.  Seriously.  What's that about?  Why am I so vested i9n being sure that HE looks good even to the demise of who I am?
Case in point, he went to the funeral of an uncle....step uncle....that I barely had contact with.  He talks with my step mom in order to get his taxes done for free.  He doesn't even hedge when she says to me last time we were together, "you were a really strange child."  He doesn't say anything like, "wow, do you remember what she grew up facing?"
Never a word or a stance to protect.  Unless it can gain him some points in front of sokmeone else.  but, then, privately, he will second guess and say that I must have done something.  Or, maybe another person is right.  Are you kidding me?  It makes me feel like I'm not worth loving or sticking up for. 
But, today, TADA, I finally realized........"I need to plan to live and thrive and learn and love......and not spend the rest of my life moaning and groaning and wondering how I've failed at this."  I need to allow myself to breathe.  To think ahead.  To hope.  To dream.  To not be beaten down by the constant unsupportiveness or meanness. 
Oh, if I tell him what it is, he will make the right noises and gestures.  He will make a list and conscienciously check off each thing he ought to do do be committed.  But it never changes the fact that I am not the woman he cherishes in his heart.  I wish he would let go.  Go and be happy.  Quit staying and making me try to makehim happy.  Because, to do so, I would have to cease to exist.  And, I've finally realized......after 20 years, that is simply not an option.