Growing Up

It's quite a miracle.  I think that I'm growing up a little bit.  I had always associated it with growing cynical or hard...and I don't want to do that, ever.  It's easy to lean that way when being hurt, but really, I like the tender side of life.  The side that says that there is hope.  That looks for good things.
How will I keep that sense and still get out from under the troubles of my marriage?  I am not sure, but I know that it can be done.  Because it's important to me.  I mean, what is the point of getting out of it or away from the "ickiness" if I BECOME the ickiness?
My husband has issues.  That's all there is to it.  And I can't fix them.  Well, get me a mallet, and I can try.  But, seriously, he doesn't really want to fix anything.  He just wants me to go back to making life feel good.  Feel right.  Feel....successful.  But I was to do good, do right and be successful....not just manufacture a facade of those things.  I want to live.  I want to breathe.  I want to know that it's ok for me to do so.  Not constantly looking over my shoulder awaiting judgement on what I am or am not doing.  It's....wearing.  And it sucks life right out of me.  Like he has a straw pushed into my heart and soul.  I'm expecting to hear a sucking sound any moment saying that he drained it dry. 
Or, maybe I'm not.  Because I am making new choices.  New directions.  New responsibilities.  It's going to be good.  I choose it.  I want to grow up, not grow mean.  Grow in kindness.  Grow in strength.  I want to be me.  Not a reflection of what I am being because someone has been mean to me. 
grace to you