Losing Ground

I needed to talk to someone..but when I do, I become less able.  So, I sit and kill time.  And wait to feel better.  To heal up a little bit.  I keep thinking that I'm getting better able to do so. But, if I am, why can't I when I am hurting the most?  Why can't I say how desperate I feel?  How I need to be comforted?  Why do I find other things to talk about.  Avoid what is nearly choking me?  But I can't.  Just can't do it.
I want to sit down and just look someone in the eye and say how hurt I am.  But it just feels stupid.
I am a word person.  Words put my life in order.  Give it form and shape.  I need to hear that I'm still loved.  Though I've failed so badly.  Though I can't make Mr. Perfect happy by being me.  Me is not acceptable.
Sigh.  Big, big sigh.
Just so weary.
grace to you.