Went to Church

I've gone to church three weeks in a row.  I didn't miss unless I was sick for at least a quarter of a century.  But now, just the act of going is so hard.  I was shaking today...got to the row by my friend and there wasn't room.  Ended up sitting right in front of him.  I was trembly and I was scared and I was not exactly peaceful, but I was VICTORIOUS!  I did it.  I went.  I survived.  I allow Jesus to love me.
Going out with friends today.  He has asked me three times "so, you might be going out?"  "No, I AM going out."  And he prays that he's glad we are all together at lunch.  I couldn't exactly agree in prayer.  And he walks away after lunch and doesn't help.  I make it.  I clean it up and put it away.  He is mad because I don't serve him, point him out, that I focus on the kids.  But that is how it is for now.
But I went to church.  I was very brave.  This week was really hard for some reason.  I nearly walked out like I have so many times before.  But, instead, I stepped up.  I did it.
You know....he's really not very nice to me.  Not at all.  What have I been thinking?
grace to you.