Deep Breath

Went back to reading my Lundy Bancroft book.  Much better.  Nearly done with it.  Yes, you guessed it, I should go......took working through all of the chapters.  Having the chance to judge my responses in the exercises.  I know that it's time.  Now.....how to do it remains a bit of a mystery.
There are chapters for that too. ;)  But I am simply reveling in the lightness that came over me as I realized that the people who wrote the book actually got where I am...how I feel...what I wish...how hard it is....how strong I am....how much I have carried.  I can't ever explain to anyone how much I have carried.  How his apologies don't make it right.  How he never gets that he doesn't give...not just 50/50, but he doesn't give.  He takes.  And, beyond that, it has forced me to spend years taking care of his needs, trying to keep him happy, keep to myself what I need in order to allow peace at home.  He has been.......destructive!!!
And yes, I am angry.  Very angry.  Because he took all that I gave to him and now he wants to finally say, "oh, dear, i finally get it and so now you need to let me try to be better...."  and I don't want to.  No matter what anyone thinks.  Blech.
Yes, I can care and love.  And I can have boundaries.  And I deserve more deep breaths.  Been holding it too many years.
Wow.  That feels good.  Hope you are proud of me.  I know that I sure am.
grace to you.