letters....

i set my goal of letter writing and am exceeding it.  it is easy.  god puts a person on my mind and i write whatever is laid on my heart, address it, seal it and stick it in the box to be delivered.  i pray as i write.  pray as i stick it in the box.  then, i just let it go.  i don't do it with an ulterior motive of any sort.  and that is a very good feeling.  is it obedience?  is it just the sense that sometimes we are called to something so very small and insignificant that probably helps us more than it helps others?  probably that.  words matter to me.  i live in a world where people don't communicate much about real things.  about important things.  about deep things.  and so.....it heals me to share what matters to me.  to share how important people are to me.  deeply so.
letters. they make up words that make up sentences that make up paragraphs  that make up.....letters.
blessings, beautiful.

divide the load

had time with the girlfriends on the rainy, cloudy and much chillier day.  so many of us are suffering.  hurting.  facing financial difficulty.  facing worry.  stressed.  feeling loss.  having issues with kids.  so, i had it at my house.  made an event on facebook.  bugged people individually so that they would come.  one had bailed the last few times.  and it has been a long time.  so i invited.  worked around schedules.  and they came.  i was compelled to make it pretty and relaxed.  candles.  flowers.  frittata.  coffee.  tea.  yogurt with fruit and granola.  the silver.  just a little bit of time to be cared for.  to be strengthened.  to not be "the mama" nor "the caretaker" nor "the provider" nor any other description that means need filler.  to come needy.  to come hungry.  to come ready to pour out hearts, to be heard, to laugh some, to cry some. to have just a little time to be the one in need.  to take in the fact that they are loved.
my house?  a wreck.  pans in the sink.  the porch has loads of stuff cluttering it.  my kitchen floor needs mopped.  smells like dogs.  today, wet dogs.  my furniture is lived in.  my decor is post graduation/pre having time to reorganize.  but i carved out a spot.  comfy chairs.  places to set our drinks and plates.  oh, i just remembered....i was going to get out the tv trays!  they are so cute.  oops.  but i was compelled to have them.  to minister to them.  to pray as people shared.  to love.  to feed their bodies.  they all spend so much time and effort feeding everyone else.
my frittata turned out pretty.  i think i'll make it again.  my fruit, blueberries, blackberries, strawberries and dried pineapple looked lovely on tarnished silver.  the roses were on sale and brightened the dreary day.  i did well.  i had less than an hour to prepare.  it all came together.  and hearing their stories.  remembering how we are all in this great big world together.  as americans, we seem to think that we need our own space, own bedroom, own yard, own everything.but i wonder if god tries to whisper to us that all of that having our own makes us lonely. i love my solitude, but there is a part of me that is horrified that my daughter and i will be living in a 3400 sqft home when it's only two of us.  it seems selfish.  it seems wrong.  it seems like we could take care of so much financial need if we shared. but people look at me like i'm crazy.  and i pray for wisdom.  i pray for compassion.  i pray to use what i have to show love and compassion.  i want to be open to being used by god.  i want to be open to him answering for my financial needs in ways that i don't have "planned out".  i want to be open.
divide the load.  break it into pieces.  we don't all have to do it all.  we don't all have to carry our own everything.  we can help one another.  we can meal share.  i've often thought how nice it would be to have "extended family" mealtimes three times a week....one night each at three different houses.  imagine having two nights of a meal prepared and cleaned up a week.  wow.  that's beyond imagination.
divide the load.  carry the emotional crap and let people get past it.  when we sit in our own crap it's all we see and smell.  we breathe it.  we don't see anything else.  but when we begin doing life as community, the crap just becomes fertilizer for growing things.  relationships.  trust.  unions.  instead, we retreat.  we hide in our homes.  we hole up until we "get better".  but we weren't created to get better that way.  yes, this is me the introvert speaking.  we were created to rub against other people's lives.  to see that everyone has struggles and troubles.  it makes us feel more normal and less persecuted.
divide the load.  may i say that cleaning is a never ending battle?  i think that it would be so fabulous if we took those "extended families" and a couple of times a year spent one day at each house doing the walls and drawers and baseboards and windows.  washing the outside of the house.  it would make us vulnerable...and it would make us realize that nobody has it together.  everybody has their weak spots.  their "junk drawers".  and in so doing, we would be more real.  more genuine.  more tender.
divide the load.  what if people house shared and some went to work and some cleaned and some cooked.  wouldn't it be amazing?  you can still have alone time.  still read your book.  still write. still do the things you need...but you have to learn to communicate.  you have to share, but you are also shared with.  the load is lighter.  no super woman necessary.   i am an able woman.  i am talented.  i am strong.  but i bend under the weight of so much responsibility.  it is crushing at times.  i keep walking.  keep hoping.  keep letting go of what is not mandatory.  but, sometimes, i long for that extended family life.  the life of old where everyone is in each others business but also has each others backs.
divide the load.  worry is a big issue in today's world.  but sometimes just saying what we are worried about out loud does one of two things: provides a solution or gives us a new perspective.  sometimes i am amazed by how somebody else has exactly what i need to solve my dilemma.  or, other times, after i say my worry aloud, i realize that it's just.....worry.....it's not something that has actually happened.  it's simply a "what if?" that i am allowing to consume me.  and consume me it will.  like an unguarded pastry at a dieters camp. gone.  destroyed.  worry is evil.  it is living without trust.  and the only way i know to kill it is with others.  god provides others so that we get our eyes off of our worries.  he wants us to confess to one another. to talk to one another.  to bear one another's burdens.  for a good reason.  we can't do it all.  he didn't make us to do it all.  he made us to be his body.  to show the world his whole self by working together as effortlessly as a human body does.
i want to be a part of that beauty.  i want to see his work.  i want to give and change and love fully.  i want to release all of the petty crap that sucks up so much time and energy.  i want to breathe.  and live.  and give.  and laugh.  and enjoy.  he gave us all things to enjoy and instead we spend all of our time worrying about what we aren't getting right, what we don't have and how we aren't performing well enough.  how sad.
i want to divide the load.  but i know that it'll take time.  but i see him growing this change of heart in me.  and i wonder where it will lead.  how exciting it is to live this life adventure.
i was glad to see my friends today.  they remind me of what is good and kind and gentle and peaceful in the world.  they help to divide the load.
blessings

without regret

living without regret.  i talked to a young man this summer and that's his goal.  i have mulled it over and i think that i agree.  to a point.  i don't want to regret time lost.  i don't want to regret never bothering to do the things that truly call to me.  i don't want to regret having held in the important words until it's too late.  i want to live and give.  i want to use my talents and my passions.  but, i don't want to be driven to be "busy".  part of who i am is someone who needs time to...sit.  and think.  or reflect.  or watch the birds in the bird bath.  i get a lot of fabulous things done in my little world, but they aren't awe inspiring to most.  they are simple.  but they are important to me.
writing the letters this week is a sweet time.  to be able to pray over who to write and what to say and then stick a stamp on it and let it go to do what god has for it....it's satisfying.  it makes me jazzed.  yesterday, after god had laid on my heart who to write to and i already had it in the mail, i heard from her about some needs.  and tomorrow she'll get the letter that i had already put in the mailbox!  i love that.
and i go out of my way to tell people good things.  encouraging things.  if anything ever happened to me, i'd want them to know that i thought great things about them.
and i laugh.  a lot.  and mostly at myself.  life is funny.  i do funny stuff.  silly stuff.  and who cares?  i spent too many years having to make things be right.
and i travel.  not far away to other countries...yet!  but, i do it.  i count the cost and i do it anyway.  especially the beach.  it feeds my soul.  don't even know why, but it does. deeply.  completely.  it satisfies something in the core of me.
and i teach.  though it's becoming too political for me in many ways.  i do it anyway.  to tell a few more kids that they are valuable.  that they are loved.  that they are able.  that they can learn.  that they have something to offer.  because, if i don't, they might never hear it.
and i go to bed without washing the pans.  and i never regret it.  i'm happy to have time to rest when i need it.  they will be there in the morning.  i'm learning to accept that i'm not neat.  i'm messy.  not dirty, just messy.  and i'm ok with that.
and i talk to my dogs.  that's because i know that one day they will be gone and i'm going to miss them very much.  i'm enjoying them thoroughly because i'm not sure that i want any more.
and i grieve when grieving is appropriate.  i don't have to let something go until i'm ready. or someone. i am allowed to cry and fuss and curl up in a blanket.  i am allowed to hurt.  i am allowed.  and i do it so that i don't regret having taken the time for it when the future comes.  i do it so that i can heal instead of stuffing the emotions.  but others don't deal with grief very well. so, i do it carefully so as not to overwhelm them.
live without regret.  not stupidly.  not fearfully.  just purposefully.  my purpose.
it's fun.

ten shovels of dirt

i have been moving ten shovels of dirt a day.  it doesn't seem like much and i only have to carry it twenty feet, but it's a lot of work.  i made a commitment to ten.  and what do you know?  i do more.  because i give myself permission not to have to move the whole pile.  moving dirt also means having to move compost accordingly.  the garden is thriving and so am i.

making goals that work for me has been my focus.  not trying to please the whole universe of people.  not even trying to please anyone.  just trying to work towards my life goals.  trying to right what was wrong.  trying to get on a track that is healthy and full of grace.  this means facing a lot of painful things.  it also means that i have sifted through emotions, relationships, rights, wrongs, good and bad.  i have done hard work. and it has taken two and a half years to be where i am today...which feels like just beginning.  it's like that pile of dirt.  i have to move it.  it's necessary to get things where and how they need to be, but i have to take time to do the work and be kind to myself on the journey.

today i went to my old church.  the church that my ex still attends and where my kids go.  it was not an easy decision.  my ex wasn't going to be there.  my daughter was going alone.  she has a friend, but i felt like i should be with her...her family.  so, i got dressed.  i prayed.  i went with a set goal and attitude.  i didn't have to make anyone comfortable and i didn't have to make excuses.  i didn't have to explain my divorce.  i could just go as a fellow worshiper and a person who is genuinely and kindly interested in others.  my daughter was already there, having gone to sunday school.  when i arrived, she was sitting on the stage at the front of the auditorium looking towards the entrance.  she beamed as i walked towards her...and jumped off of the stage and came to hug me.  it was lovely.  almost cried right there.  i got to encourage a few people.  i got to sit by my daughter and rub her back during the sermon and sing with her during the worship.  i got to remember that i have a tender heart and that those who think otherwise because of what my ex has told them just don't know me.
i went without any promises from anyone to look after me.  or be with me.  or talk to me when i was alone.  and i went and didn't bolt afterwards.  i'm still awkward. but because i don't hate me anymore, because i don't live with someone who lets me know that i'm worth being ashamed of, because i live a peaceful life, it was ok.  it was emotional.  a reminder of what i've lost.  but it was worth it.  it was a growing time.
making a plan to move ten shovels of dirt lets me feel good when i move 11 or 20.  making a plan to go to church and simply be me allows me to feel good about my accomplishment even when it's a little deal to others.  when i go, i realize how much my ex used christianity against me.  how sad.  what he said was true....but it all lacked grace and compassion.  so, i am remembering

Zephaniah 3:17New International Version (NIV)

17 The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

And it heals me.  like ten shovels of dirt.  progress is healing.

church

here i sit. trembling.  do i dare go?  can i be brave enough.  can i walk through the doors.  can i take my place?  can i worship with the thoughts and words of others rolling through my mind and heart?  i want to go with my daughter.  be with my friends.  i want to be there.  i want to.  but i am not feeling fearless.  i am feeling overwhelmed and as if the world is too harsh sometimes.  i am content and happy in life.  but i find church people...people who were once my friends...intimidating.  they ask questions that they don't have the right to ask.  they probe for dirt.  they walk or look the other way.  i am struggling with going.  stressed about it.  but my ex is gone out of town today.  but is that the reason to go to church?  does that make it all about jesus?  are my motives pure?  is my heart clean?  will my being there cause someone to stumble?  will it cause me to stumble?
my life is full of a lot of joy.  i have made some good choices.  and i've blown some things.  but life is hopeful and full of good.  how is it that i have to struggle to go to a place that i went to for almost twenty years?  how is it that i am not allowed to be my own mixed up mess without feeling like i'm less than everyone else there?
i have turkey cooking.  one son at home.  other kids gone.  i need to change if i'm going.  i'll take a few minutes of quiet time and pray.  and then i'll go or not go....confidently.
blessings.

Worn. But Hopeful

My body does not keep up with my spirit.  My soul reaches upward, but my health tethers me to this body.  I ache.  I can't always do what is in my heart and mind.  It has stressed me for 16 years.  SIXTEEN YEARS.  I desire to live with grace.  I want to live with grace.  Not whining.  It's tough.  It's not impossible.

my ex

my ex never fails to shock me.  some of the "kids"....young adults....went on a hiking trip with him this weekend. my oldest son took his girlfriend of five years.  she is the only female in the group.  they will be camping remotely. not in an established suburban kind of campground.  i assumed that she would share a tent with my son and their friend.  it's not about sex.  it's not about anything like that.  it's safety.  it's knowing her.  she gets cold.  she gets nervous.  but, apparently a one person tent was brought just for her.  i told her to say no.  to tell my son to stay with her or to let one of the men have the single tent and she can bunk with the boys that are like brothers along with my son.
it frustrates me.
yes, i know they are going with church people.  yes, i know that it's a guy and a girl.  but, the thing is that she deserves to feel safe.  she deserves to be protected.  my son should have had a say.

sigh.

have to let it go.  i did what i could do.  but, it reminds me of how my ex didn't consider my feelings or bother to know me so that he would know that something like that would be worrisome.

glad i get to live differently now.

checking in

i'm the kind of relationship person that likes to "check in".  i never really thought about it before.  it's a reach out and touch. or text. or call.  i do it as naturally as breathing.  but i have learned to not do it.  i have learned that people think that i'm strange.  i think....it's nice.  not having a reason to call.  just simply caring.   i care a lot.  painfully so.  somehow i've always had a sense of wanting to "check on" those that i care about.
i think that it has something to do with the idea of learning so very young how life is fragile.  life is short.  not to take it forgranted.  i lost much very young.  it changed me.  but i don't think that it's a bad thing.  i am happy with it.  though i try to be more considerate of others and not "bothering" them when there's no exact reason.  guess i've never been able to put to words why it's important to me.  that it's simply in how i'm wired.
i check in.  with my kids.  with my dogs.:) with my friends.  with my coworkers.
been thinking today how i was made to feel badly about it...but really, it's a pretty nice thing.  people are important.  shouldn't be a special occasion to let them know that.
blessings.

oh, that's good

i woke up  with the beautiful memory of yesterday.  i remembered that though i have been facing some interesting dilemmas.  though i feel that sense of being an accessory in the lives of others.  though i am facing my children moving along and being alone.  though i have many weaknesses.  though i am not wealthy.  though i don't have a ton of people wanting to connect. though all of these things......i am truly happy.  yes, happy.  i am completely fine.  and while i look at those facts and mull them over, they hold no power over me or my happiness.  it took nearly 50 years, but i finally am happy with who i am.  with how i am.  with letting myself grow at my own pace.  with letting others do what they need to do.  it doesn't mean that it never hurts.  it doesn't mean that i don't ever wish something different.  but, it does mean that i am finally ok with it all.  and i am really happy.  i went through a lot for a lot of years.  i struggled to be content.  i worked hard at it.  i kept choosing it day by day.  but, the fact of the matter is that i was married to someone who seemed bent on making life as hard as he could for me.  on pushing me to be someone else....some different person...but when i would achieve a part of it, his disdain would turn to a different "unacceptable" area of my life.  and i made it my wifely duty to keep peace.  i felt ashamed when i didn't live up to who i needed to be.  i spent a lot of time feeling ashamed.  it doesn't take hearing "why shouldn't i be ashamed of you" too many times from your significant other to shake the foundation.
but, though i am still flawed and imperfect.  though i am still disorganized and somewhat of a dreamer.  though i am still not the popular kid.  though i sense that it's going to be awhile before anyone really looks in my eyes and tries to know me in this season, this moment.  that's ok.  i'm fine.  i'm happy.  i'm living.  i have friends.  i have acquaintances.  i have work.  i have my young adult children.  i have my dogs.  but none of those have to complete me.  god and me.  he makes it good.  and he gave closeness before when i was desperate.  he will give what i need now.  he has given peace.  calm.  happy.  he has given me the freedom to mourn or cry when i need to....and still feel peace.
i love life.  love living.  i am deeply thankful every single day.  life is a blessing.  being able to breathe is a genuine gift.  it's good.  very good.
happy.  wow.  oh, that feels goooood.
blessings.

talking to myself

text. call.  email.  hang out.  private message.  and somehow i end up talking to myself.  ha.  we live in a weird era.  i am a phone person.  but even i put it down when i'm out with others.  or turn it off.  but that's not the norm.  i haven't had a conversation with anyone where it was us and not the rest of the world in a long time.  on vacation i was strict with others at mealtimes. but, i am finding in life that i'm struggling.  i take time to talk.  to share. to listen.  everything remains shallow.  empty.  basic.  because every few moments a phone call or text comes in.  i feel odd saying that i'd like undivided attention for a time.  so, i just note it and move on.  but for all of this connectedness......i rarely hear back on texts or calls or messages.  the same people.  you know...the ones that take all of the calls while we are together.  so.  hmm.  it would be one thing if it was one relationship.  but, it's not.  and i find it sad.  i miss my friends.  i miss looking into their faces.  i miss laughing and sharing without the interruptions. i miss getting together with people in person.  i miss the closeness.  it makes me feel like i'm just talking to myself.
so i've been striving to do different things in life.   remembering to look up at people when i'm out.  remembering to smile and engage others.  remembering.  we are created for community.  i can't change anyone else, but i can be sure that i am loving and available.  i choose it.
blessings.

vacation. home again

My trip was nothing like I planned.

don't get me wrong.  it was beautiful.  and fun.  and full of lots of good things to do.  it was adequately lovely to be at the beach.  it was a delight to see my younger children becoming young adults.

but, i had invited some girlfriends.  and their lovely young adults.  i have only ever traveled with one of them.  but i invited several people, and two ladies could come. 

so, off we went.  unfortunately, i packed along my expectations.  oops. i thought that there would be girls time.  chat time.  laugh time.  i thought maybe we'd do facials.  or toes. or....something.  i imagined lying on the sand together and chatting between our naps. going to bed at night and getting the giggles.  having fun with my friends while my kids had fun with theirs, too.  and of course, having  everybody time as well.

 however, yes...you knew it was coming.  i spent most of my time in silence.  with others reading.  computer gaming.  sleeping.  going to do their own things.  i sat on the beach.  i watched kids play on the beach.  i was silent.  the waves roared.  i slept.  i woke up.  i cooked.  i went to bed.  it was not what i expected.

and i cried.  literally.  one person needed things a certain way.  and house cleaning was a priority.  and her expectation was to hurry along in the traveling when i am by nature a lingerer. and, she wanted to sight see while i wanted to chill. my other friend needed alone time.  she needed quiet.  she needed not to talk or be disturbed.  

and i worked hard not to take any of it personally.  but, when my one friend turned out the light on me again when i was sleeping on the floor and the other friend had fallen asleep, i realized that i was pretty much invisible. and it hurt.  a lot.  

but i had time to pray.  and reflect.  and learn.

and i realized that i could learn to be and do who i am.  i encourage.  give words of encouragement.  i go out of my way to see those i care about smile.  to help them find their smiles again.  i care.  i see.  and though i am unnoticed.  viewed as an intrusion.  not really the person that people feel a need to reach out to, i do have a purpose that is given by god.

 and i'm going to live that purpose.  even when it hurts.  even though people think i'm weird and in the way.  though they don't feel a need of me.  i will love whom i do.  what they do back is not my concern.  i will take care of my needs.  i will be gentle to myself.  i won't badmouth myself when i'm not sought out or when i do my best to inquire and i am shut out.

i will continue to reach out and continue to be who i am.  i will love to the best of my ability.  and if it isn't enough, then i guess that they will walk away but the lesson learned was that i have purpose.  and that even when things are painful, i will grow.  i am determined.  i am kind.  i need words.  i need connection.  and it's not wrong.  it's just who i am.  so,vacation was a beautiful blessing.  with those that i love.  and it gave me a glimpse of who i can be.

blessings.

maybe it's true

i have been on vacation.  haven't written much.  did a little bit of journaling.  lots of reflection and praying.  i have much to learn. i find myself in an odd place.  a strange position.  i realize that i am truly sought out by nobody.  none.  not at all.  unless someone needs something from me, there is no, "hey, come over here, i want to be with you."  nobody around that just wants to be with me.  i guess that is what i gave up in those many years of marriage.  no more to be just someone that is enough for who she is.
i am the one that has to make conversation.  that has to come up with topics.  that has to initiate.  and sadly, it goes against my very personality.  i work hard at relationships.  i work to be available to help.  i want to hear about someone's day.  i want to spend time hanging out with them when we are traveling together.  but there is nobody who feels that way about me.  i've changed in the last couple of years.  i just let go.  i let them go do their things.  i let them enjoy what it is that they need or want.  i still am there.  but, it comes with the realization that the cost is living with tremendous heartbreak.  crushing sadness.  some tears.
however, somehow, i have found peace.  i have found a sense of being ok with being alone in the years to come.  and maybe even with being lonely.  i can love and reach out.  i can still be there.  but any expectations or hopes that i have of being the one that is smiled at in the crowd or sought out when there's something going on.  doesn't really happen.  to most, i am indeed invisible.  however.  and this is a huge however.  i am no longer invisible to me.  i see me.  i see what i need.  i nurture my heart.  i cry when i need to.  i sing.  i laugh.  i pray.  i choose.  i know who i am.  i know who i want to be.  and a strange peace comes.  a joy.  even in the midst of the wishing.  wishing.  that someone would plop down beside me.  would actually take time to talk to me.  would spend enough time for me to relax.  because i'm slow to do so.  the hit and run kind of things aren't nurturing for me.  i need time.  i need someone to actually be interested.  i need friends that want to take the time to walk with me.  or sit with me.  or let me do so with them.  i need friends that let me know that i'm important.  i spent too long in my marriage coming in behind every other thing that he wanted to do.  work.  work around house.  choir.  sports.  grooming.  cleaning.  going out with the guys.  it was always something.  and when we were "talking", i was supposed to follow him around.  never time to give me a few minutes.  well, unless he was going to get something.  so.  i am not willing to do that anymore.  and it means that since i'm not willing to follow around like a puppy dog, i end up alone.  i wrote "lonely" in the beach sand today.  and i smiled.  lonely won't kill me.  lonely is better than fake.  i'll be ok.  nobody will fix it.  because you can't tell someone to choose you.  to pick you.  doesn't even work for the teams in elementary school.  the "pick me pick me pick me" scenario is sad.
so.  here i am.  in my 50th year.  with friends.  but they don't choose me.  with kids who are moving along to how and where they need to be.
i am strange.  but.  i. am. me.
so, i'll just realize that maybe it's true. maybe i'm not worth it to them.  but my father thinks i'm ok.  he loves me.  whispers to me.  and the thing is.  i like me.  as unsure and pigletish as i am.  i am committed.  i am willing.  i give exuberantly.  and if t's not seen or thought of as weird....i'll just keep moving.  as i said...in my 50th year....no time to waste.
blessings.

nit picking

sometimes i forget how easily happy my kids are.  i am.  we are easy to make content.  it's overwhelming to me when people have ideas of how to make things better or why things aren't good enough.  it is wearying.
and it reminds me to be content.  to allow things to happen.
to be kind.
i feel kinda awful today.  yesterday i did something really hard.  i spoke up about something that was desperately on my heart.  i knew that i had to.  as i prayed for the whole day, god just kept allowing me to feel discomfort with a situation.  so, i spoke up.  but, once i said my peace, i realized that that was all i needed to do.  i didn't need anyone to fix what was troubling me.  i didn't need to control the situation.  i just needed to speak up.  that was the part that mad me grow.  made me risk.  and it was hard.  doing that during marriage always ended up in hours of discussion.  of ridicule or argument.  it's hard for me to say things that i feel deeply.  but i did it anyway.  and now i'm at ease.
but truly, today is a strange day.  i am stunned at the expectations.  stunned at the need of planning.  stunned with how people need to be entertained.  on i go to my day.
blessings.

pain management

for 15 years i've had severe pain.  nearly every day.  i live with it daily.  i work. i laugh.  i enjoy.  i used to take medications.  search for answers from the medical profession.  but finally, i came to sense that it is how life is.  no matter the reason.  and i began to try to take responsibility for managing my pain.  for living fully and without excuse.  i didn't want every thing that i didn't do to be based on the fact that i had a disease...or pain...or whatever.  this is my body.  this is my life.
but.
when i was married, i wasn't given time nor respect to do what i needed to do.  i was pushed harder and harder.  and just tonight, as i was working through exercises that i do to function.  not for a trim body, just the yoga like moves on the floor to make it so that my excruciating headaches don't dominate me.  and i realized that i have time to take care of me now.  and...even moreso....instead of feeling ashamed by it, i feel...strong.  i am doing something brave.  though nobody usually knows.  i am proud of me.  and tonight, i warded off the beast of pain again.  and i pray.  and i move.  and i stretch.  i don't give up.  i live.
i live.
so, i guess that i don't really manage pain so much as i manage life.
blessings.