maybe it's true

i have been on vacation.  haven't written much.  did a little bit of journaling.  lots of reflection and praying.  i have much to learn. i find myself in an odd place.  a strange position.  i realize that i am truly sought out by nobody.  none.  not at all.  unless someone needs something from me, there is no, "hey, come over here, i want to be with you."  nobody around that just wants to be with me.  i guess that is what i gave up in those many years of marriage.  no more to be just someone that is enough for who she is.
i am the one that has to make conversation.  that has to come up with topics.  that has to initiate.  and sadly, it goes against my very personality.  i work hard at relationships.  i work to be available to help.  i want to hear about someone's day.  i want to spend time hanging out with them when we are traveling together.  but there is nobody who feels that way about me.  i've changed in the last couple of years.  i just let go.  i let them go do their things.  i let them enjoy what it is that they need or want.  i still am there.  but, it comes with the realization that the cost is living with tremendous heartbreak.  crushing sadness.  some tears.
however, somehow, i have found peace.  i have found a sense of being ok with being alone in the years to come.  and maybe even with being lonely.  i can love and reach out.  i can still be there.  but any expectations or hopes that i have of being the one that is smiled at in the crowd or sought out when there's something going on.  doesn't really happen.  to most, i am indeed invisible.  however.  and this is a huge however.  i am no longer invisible to me.  i see me.  i see what i need.  i nurture my heart.  i cry when i need to.  i sing.  i laugh.  i pray.  i choose.  i know who i am.  i know who i want to be.  and a strange peace comes.  a joy.  even in the midst of the wishing.  wishing.  that someone would plop down beside me.  would actually take time to talk to me.  would spend enough time for me to relax.  because i'm slow to do so.  the hit and run kind of things aren't nurturing for me.  i need time.  i need someone to actually be interested.  i need friends that want to take the time to walk with me.  or sit with me.  or let me do so with them.  i need friends that let me know that i'm important.  i spent too long in my marriage coming in behind every other thing that he wanted to do.  work.  work around house.  choir.  sports.  grooming.  cleaning.  going out with the guys.  it was always something.  and when we were "talking", i was supposed to follow him around.  never time to give me a few minutes.  well, unless he was going to get something.  so.  i am not willing to do that anymore.  and it means that since i'm not willing to follow around like a puppy dog, i end up alone.  i wrote "lonely" in the beach sand today.  and i smiled.  lonely won't kill me.  lonely is better than fake.  i'll be ok.  nobody will fix it.  because you can't tell someone to choose you.  to pick you.  doesn't even work for the teams in elementary school.  the "pick me pick me pick me" scenario is sad.
so.  here i am.  in my 50th year.  with friends.  but they don't choose me.  with kids who are moving along to how and where they need to be.
i am strange.  but.  i. am. me.
so, i'll just realize that maybe it's true. maybe i'm not worth it to them.  but my father thinks i'm ok.  he loves me.  whispers to me.  and the thing is.  i like me.  as unsure and pigletish as i am.  i am committed.  i am willing.  i give exuberantly.  and if t's not seen or thought of as weird....i'll just keep moving.  as i said...in my 50th year....no time to waste.
blessings.