remnants

as of late, i have continued my journey in relationships.  having spent 20+ years with someone who treated me so unkindly led me to a place where i began to accept as normal being....overlooked, unappreciated, and somehow only worth the leftovers.  the crumbs.  the extras.
and it hurts my heart.  desperately.
because i've come to see in my life that i've allowed and expected it for so long that those that i have thought of as dear friends have become used to it as well.  and i am an afterthought. i am one to call if you need something.  i am one who will jump and be available.  i am someone who will put aside other stuff so that you can have what you want or need.  i am a person who values time and conversation with people.  i will work hard to find out if you are ok.  to find out how you are.  and if i am shut out on one front, i will pursue accept that but will still look for common ground.  i will work hard.  too hard, actually.
it's funny in a not so haha way.
just.  well.  odd.
someone said yes to me the other day.  no hedging.  no thinking.  just, "sure, let me grab my purse, tell my kids and husband and i'll go to dinner with you.".  it was a big deal.  it shouldn't be such a big deal.  it should happen more.  i should have people in life that ask me.  and when i ask that they say yes.  without me thinking that it's an inconvenience for me to have asked.  that hurts me deeply.  because that's how my ex was.  didn't have time to sit down with me.  always too "busy".  always that i was not valuable enough to deserve direct attention.  unless he was getting something.  or needed something.  or was stressed.  and i gave it.  and i did it willingly.  and i reminded myself that that's what love does.
but over time.  over these three years being apart.  well, i've seen more relationships.  i've prayed.  i've studied.  i've gotten out there and met some people.  and i've found that it's not normal.  it's not what i should expect.  when i ask someone to go for a drink or come over for a coffee or just to visit,i shouldn't feel like they are doing me a favor.  i am more valuable than that.
i am worth more than the leftover time.
i think.
because, frankly,
obviously i'm not.
because if i was that valuable, at least to them, it would not be that way.  i'm not unloved.  not despised.  just not valuable enough to be a priority.  i am someone that they speak to on their free time, not the one that they free up time to speak with.
and i know.
i'm annoying.
i'm a little weird.  or more.
i'm socially awkward.
but.
i'm valuable.
i'm loyal.
i'm kind.
i'm generous
i'm bright.
i'm creative.
i'm helpful.
i'm fun.
i'm willing.
i'm thoughtful.
i'm caring.
i'm strong.
i'm wise.
i'm me.
all of the bad and good mixed in.  ad i can't be anything else.
i'm just this package.
and so,
remnants.
of time.
of conversation.
of relationships.
and i give so much to those who keep me at arms length.
and love still.
fully and with all of my heart.
willingly.
because
it's who i am.
but.  i'm learning that there are people at there who think i'm worth more.  people who show up.  who answer.  who call.  who say yes.
and it shouldn't be such a shock.  it shouldn't bring tears  it shouldn't make me stand a little taller.
it should just be what friends and family do.
remnants.
they are something.  and sometimes they are all people have to give.  but, i have a feeling that i let it go on for too long when it was my only expectation.  i was so used to being there, to doing for, to working for others to make things work that i fed that in others.  and now....i find myself....bereft.  with nobody to blame but myself
but.
i don't blame myself.
i choose not to.
i choose happy.
every day.
i choose joy.
every day.
i choose.
life.
i choose to make whole the remnants with filling in the blanks.
i don't know if i'll always be able to.
but for now.
remnants they may be.
i may not be sought out or treasured.
yet,
my goal in life is not to be that.
my goal is to be kind.
to be remembered for being so very kind.
i have a long way to go.
and so i wake up every day with the goal.
with a new heart.
i forget...
they don't know i've changed.
with hard work.
and choices.
they don't know that i have done deep heart work.
and they don't know that it hurts.
remnants from some are worth as much or more than the whole from others.
it's a choice.
it is what it is.
remnants make the best quilts.
blessings to all....