Drained

Today was a hard day.  It has all turned out fine.  It was actually full of really wonderful things.  But, my ex has a way of making me feel crazy.  He does little things that hurt deeply.  So glad it's not every day anymore. 
Today was spent celebrating my last son's 16th birthday.  It was good.  And it was hard.  Because another son had a meltdown.  Of which he has recovered from now, but for me, it is reminiscent of my relationship with my husband...how he would have to vomit all of his stuff and fight and be unreasonable....and then behave as if all should be ok.  I am working hard to teach my son a new model.  Talking it through.  Reminding him that I will always love him.  And that I trust that he loves me.  But, he said some really hurtful things.  Not that they weren't true....about how he can't really notice his dishes sitting around because our house is such a wreck....and more details.  It was a diversion tactic, I know.  And yet....on top of having my husband be manipulative today, it just did me in.  Like I melted inside.  And I had company all day.
One friend that was here is in deep need.  Life is falling apart around her.  A son needed to vent...a different son. And another girlfriend was needy too.  It is never "my turn."  I always have to be on call and ready to hear it, but today, I just needed to be the one to be weary, hurt and heard.   It was like everything was so much on top of the fact that I'm sick and exhausted.  It was a good day, but draining for me.  Because I know that I have to be spot on, wide awake, ready to rock and roll tomorrow.  And I have been physically and emotionally taxed.  I find that my ex has a way of still finding what he can do to hurt.....not to help. 
But I have a good night's sleep to look forward to.  And the excitement of a new job to propel me along.  But I have so much work to do and I feel rather alone in it.  Other people were talking about their friends that were coming in to help them and how their husband's do all of this stuff....or boyfriends....and I was thinking how alone I am in the world.  Sometimes it's really hard.  Not being without a husband...but not ever having had that kind of husband.  Sometimes it just hurts.
And sharing is nearly impossible.  Even with those I love.  That charming ex hovers around them.  Has his fingers sunk in deep.  It hurts me more than I am ever able to explain.  In a very deep place.  Though I can intellectually figure out how it needs to be for others. 
I should sleep.  Made a mistake of checking my email.  He wrote.  Didn't say anything horrible...it's just always so emotional to see his email address pop up because I don't know what's coming. 
Needing a good, long holding on hug. 
Needing sleep...I was not even a good hostess because I finally said that they could stay and talk but that I had to go lay down....ah, the words of every good hostess. :)  Oh well.
blessings.

Absolute Goodnes

God is good.  I know, it seems like an obvious thing to say.  And years ago, I would have agreed.  But, I spent so long with someone who made life so hard and was so quick to be unhappy, unsatisfied.
So, in this new time, I am experiencing this rush of remembering how good God is.  How light His burden is.  How easy His "yoke".  He actually and for real loves me for me.  Really.  With absolutely no performing on my part.  It's....revitalizing.
The other day, I noticed so many people smiling my way at the grocery store and all around.  Made me so happy.  And in this sudden flash, I realized that they were RETURNING my smiles, not initiating.  That they were responding to the absolute joy bubbling out and over.  I have been infused by the goodness of God.  How He is meeting my needs.  How He is healing my heart and soul.  How He is GOOD.  Not hard or demanding.
I am absolutely joyful.  And life isn't easy.  And learning this new job is really hard.  And I don't get much rest being a single parent and there are sssooo many responsibilities.
But, I get to not worry about it.  I get to be in the moment.  To breathe in and breathe out.  To let Him take care of me. 
I have to say....it's the most amazing thing ever.  He is the most amazing thing ever.
blessings.

Full

My life is full.
It's full of satisfaction.
Of love.
Of hope.
My life is full of people.
Of dreams.
Of laughter.
It's full of anticipation.
Of believing the best.
Of encouragement.
It's sometimes full of trepidation.
Of wondering.
Of concern.
It's full of faithfulness.
Of God.
Of others.
It's full of contentment.
Of food.
Of rest.
My life is absolutely full.
Without regrets.
Except for when I choose to forget.
When I choose to worry.
When I choose to let fear rule.
I spent too long there though.
Now, I might stop in for a visit,
but I like to be right back on my way.
Because the fullness of love,
of kindness,
of joy,
of blessings,
of children,
of friends,
of peace....
of God Himself,
is enough.
blessings on you, my dears.

life changers

How many lives have I touched?  Have I touched yours?  A quote from the Num3ers show.  Made me think.  Because so many have touched mine.  So beautifully.  And my greatest desire is to be used in theirs.  To point to Him.  His grace.  Even towards me.  He is enough.  He is good.
blessings.

Making Myself Grow Up

I made myself stay on task today by giving my son my car to take to church and then work.  Not having my car means that I won't run to my friend's house for solace or for company.  It means that I'll make do with one of the  hundred things that I have to do here around the house.  And in doing that, maybe I will be able to allow my friends needed space.  I've been needy.  I know it and yet I just am what I am right now.  I can't change it.  But, I don't want to be that pain in the butt friend.  So, here I am.  Books in place.  Working on my classroom stuff.  Well, working on becoming familiar with it at least.  It may not be a huge step, but I feel like doing this was my way of thinking of others.  Of refocusing again.  Of learning once again how to give and not just receive.  Can't say that it has been easy.  Like solitary confinement in a way.  Yet....peaceful and good too.  Now, for a tv break.  Yes, I definitely get to reward myself. 
blessings.

Courage My Love

Courage My Love.
The quote I saw at a swap meet in LA this summer.   Near Hollywood.  It spoke to me at some deep level.  Still does.  Several times a day, it comes to mind. 
Speaking it to myself...learning to love myself.  To treat myself as loved.  To have courage.  And to be proud of having it.
Speaking it to others.  Showing them that I see their courage.  That I appreciate it.
Hearing it from the heart of God.  He said not to be afraid that He is with me.  But, hearing it as "Courage, my love," just speaks into my heart so much.  I feel a deep sense of comfort.
Courage my love.  You are worth it.  You are beautiful.  You don't have to have it altogether.  You are valuable.  You are going to make it.  Keep walking.
Courage my love.  Yes, I'm talking to you.
blessings.

Do All to the Glory of God

Whatever you do, whether in word or in deed, do all to the glory of God.  Wow.  That's a tall order.  But as I'm working on this day toward my upcoming classroom.  As I pour out my heart wondering what will be best for the kids.  As I think and plan and dream.  I give all that I am.  Not just my mind.  Not just my heart.  Not just my body. 
Everything.  My prayers.  My abilities.  My weaknesses.  My faith.  My hopes.  My passion.  All.  And that is what it means to serve Him.  To do it for Him.  To not question whether I can.  I already know the answer.....frankly, I can't make kids learn, I can't change their lives forever.  But, I know the One who can.  And He has allowed me to be in this place at this time as His hands and love in these young lives.
So, I work.  Then I take a break.  Because, frankly, it is totally overwhelming.  Really.  In a good way.  But it consumes.  It builds me up while at the same time sucking out my creativity, thoughts and plans.  Work.  Rest.  Work.  Rest.  Hmm.  A healthy pattern.  I like that.  I'm learning.  I'm loving this place in my life.
I love my own kids to distraction.  They amaze me.  Though they struggle and have problems, they work through it.  I'm proud of them.
Can't wait to see my new "kids".  It's going to be love at first sight.  Because they are the ones God has chosen for me.  Now, may I keep remembering that it's not me.  It's Him.  For His renown.  For His glory.
For my benefit.  Because His plans are to benefit me.  Love how it all works together....for good.  And I am called.  For His purpose.  Scriptures are amazing when they get stuck in our hearts.  Better than just in our minds.  Because then, in the moments of greatest need, they jump forth to fill the need.
blessings.

Not My Anniversary

Today, I wasn't married for 22 years.  I would have been.  Some might say that I should have been.  I got an email saying that he remembers today and its significance.  What does that mean?  Remembers the promise?  I remember too.  I remember hopes.  And dreams.  I remember the giddiness.  The fun of the day.  I remember meaning my promise.  And yet, here I am.  Not because I didn't mean it.  No, it's something so hard to define for me.  But I have to say that I'm so relieved to be here toay.  That the gift of the year has been this sense of being able to breathe.  To not feel constantly afraid.  He scared me.  He didn't make me feel safe nor secure.  He took confidence from me.  He was not the man that cared about anyone but himself.  And that is too bad.  So sad.  Hurtful.  And there came a time when I just had to get him to quit hurting me.  If I asked, he didn't hear.  If I supported him, he lapped it up but didn't give back.  He took what he wanted to fill himself, but didn't fill his family.  He didn't protect.  He didn't care.  Until that moment when it began to effect him.  When people were going to know.  When he was going to lose.  It still has never had anything to do with anyone outside of his own self.  And how sad that is. 
Investing your life is the biggest investment you make.  It's not like money where you can always make more.  Every bit you give is gone.  And I gave and gave and gave.  But somehow, it was never enough.  And the end result was that it was destroying my health, my emotions, my confidence and my ability to function.  I couldn't even serve God or do the things that I'm gifted to do.  And after more than twenty years, I failed.  I quit.  I said goodbye.  I made a choice.  I wasn't looking for someone to make me happy.  I wasn't looking for someone to fill me.  I was looking for a way to simply be able to breathe.  To be allowed to function.  And the word allowed came out so naturally and now I look at it and it occurs to me.....so many things that I felt disallowed to do or think or be and yet I was an adult.  I can't say that I don't care what happens to him.  I care.  I love in a different sort of a way.  I wish no harm.  But I am very thankful to be on this side of those legal papers.  Done. 
I'm happier.  I see it in photos.  I wonder if it's as obvious to others as it is to me.  Like a weight has been lifted. 
I'm not saying that God couldn't have done it.  I prayed for it.  Lived for it.  Looked for healing.  For wholeness.  But he didn't.  He liked things just how they were.  He liked being jealous.  He liked being a victim.  He liked getting the good from me.  I don't think he ever considered that there would come a time that I would stop.  Because he used my religious convictions to hold me to a promise.  But it was a promise he has already broken.  Had given up years before.  If he ever had it at all.  Because life was about him.  And because of my personality, that was ok to a degree.  I like to give.  But, it's like a leech.  One now and then won't hurt you.  But too many....all at once....they suck you dry. 
And God is in this time.  He goes before.  He comforts.  He lifts my head.  He hears my tears.  He fills my heart.  And no matter what, I know that He has allowed this into His plan.  Not because He likes it, but because sometimes things are used to show people the way back to Him.  I hope that my ex finds Him.  Find Him not in rules and regulations, but in the reality of daily life.  In everything.  Not as a way to keep others in line, but as a relationship.  And, I also feel like God can use it as justice.  For, He is just.  And He does not want me to willingly allow myself to be abused.  Misused.  Treated unkindly.  It wasn't my first option.  It wasn't even my hundredth.  It was way down the list.  The last one.  The......I can't live if I can't breathe. 
So here I am.  Celebrating it alone.  Didn't tell the kids.  Nobody else really knew.  Didn't get any cards...go figure.
And I love that I will sleep peacefully tonight.  That I will be rested and able to breathe.  I am thankful.
blessings.

the perfect life

Here I am.  I am poised, ready to jump from the high dive.  My heart is pounding.  My mouth is dry.  Everything in me shouts, "just climb back down the ladder!" Fear is as tangible as the ice that dangles from the house on a dark winter's day.  Though the weather is sunny and warm.  My stomach clenches.  I curl my toes.  Tighten my hands into balls.  I take a deep breath.  But it catches part way down.  I have the sensation of suffocating.  Then, I bounce a little.  Close my eyes.  Imagine the possibility of doing it.  Open my eyes.  Stop thinking.  Stop worrying.  Stop.  Am still.  In heart.  In mind.  In body.  And, I jump.  I enter the water not with great flair nor fashion.  I don't win the gold.  I'm not even in a competition.  The water is cool.  I break the surface laughing.  Happy.  Aware of having done something huge.  And from that moment on.....I know that I can do the big things.  That fear is not truth. 
This new job is my high dive.  I have all of those feelings.  But God has blessed me with enough other high dive experiences that I'm ready to jump.  It doesn't make the fear go away....it just allows me to see past it.  To the perfect life He has planned for me.  No, not a life that is perfect.  Just the one that I am created for.  For this time. 
blessings.

vacation

i've been out of touch for quite a long time.  a couple of weeks.  and it has been good.
i've been traveling.  enoying my kids and friends.  enjoying the beach.  enjoying car rides.  and shopping.  staying in hotels.  swap meet, thrift stores, rummage sale.  i've been enjoying not being afraid to return home.  for the first time that i can remember, panic did not set in when thinking of returning home.
i was at peace.  traveling.  at peace knowing that it was going to end soon.
it was good.
more writing later.  kinda tired now as we drove all night two nights.
blessings.