Today, I wasn't married for 22 years. I would have been. Some might say that I should have been. I got an email saying that he remembers today and its significance. What does that mean? Remembers the promise? I remember too. I remember hopes. And dreams. I remember the giddiness. The fun of the day. I remember meaning my promise. And yet, here I am. Not because I didn't mean it. No, it's something so hard to define for me. But I have to say that I'm so relieved to be here toay. That the gift of the year has been this sense of being able to breathe. To not feel constantly afraid. He scared me. He didn't make me feel safe nor secure. He took confidence from me. He was not the man that cared about anyone but himself. And that is too bad. So sad. Hurtful. And there came a time when I just had to get him to quit hurting me. If I asked, he didn't hear. If I supported him, he lapped it up but didn't give back. He took what he wanted to fill himself, but didn't fill his family. He didn't protect. He didn't care. Until that moment when it began to effect him. When people were going to know. When he was going to lose. It still has never had anything to do with anyone outside of his own self. And how sad that is.
Investing your life is the biggest investment you make. It's not like money where you can always make more. Every bit you give is gone. And I gave and gave and gave. But somehow, it was never enough. And the end result was that it was destroying my health, my emotions, my confidence and my ability to function. I couldn't even serve God or do the things that I'm gifted to do. And after more than twenty years, I failed. I quit. I said goodbye. I made a choice. I wasn't looking for someone to make me happy. I wasn't looking for someone to fill me. I was looking for a way to simply be able to breathe. To be allowed to function. And the word allowed came out so naturally and now I look at it and it occurs to me.....so many things that I felt disallowed to do or think or be and yet I was an adult. I can't say that I don't care what happens to him. I care. I love in a different sort of a way. I wish no harm. But I am very thankful to be on this side of those legal papers. Done.
I'm happier. I see it in photos. I wonder if it's as obvious to others as it is to me. Like a weight has been lifted.
I'm not saying that God couldn't have done it. I prayed for it. Lived for it. Looked for healing. For wholeness. But he didn't. He liked things just how they were. He liked being jealous. He liked being a victim. He liked getting the good from me. I don't think he ever considered that there would come a time that I would stop. Because he used my religious convictions to hold me to a promise. But it was a promise he has already broken. Had given up years before. If he ever had it at all. Because life was about him. And because of my personality, that was ok to a degree. I like to give. But, it's like a leech. One now and then won't hurt you. But too many....all at once....they suck you dry.
And God is in this time. He goes before. He comforts. He lifts my head. He hears my tears. He fills my heart. And no matter what, I know that He has allowed this into His plan. Not because He likes it, but because sometimes things are used to show people the way back to Him. I hope that my ex finds Him. Find Him not in rules and regulations, but in the reality of daily life. In everything. Not as a way to keep others in line, but as a relationship. And, I also feel like God can use it as justice. For, He is just. And He does not want me to willingly allow myself to be abused. Misused. Treated unkindly. It wasn't my first option. It wasn't even my hundredth. It was way down the list. The last one. The......I can't live if I can't breathe.
So here I am. Celebrating it alone. Didn't tell the kids. Nobody else really knew. Didn't get any cards...go figure.
And I love that I will sleep peacefully tonight. That I will be rested and able to breathe. I am thankful.
blessings.
Investing your life is the biggest investment you make. It's not like money where you can always make more. Every bit you give is gone. And I gave and gave and gave. But somehow, it was never enough. And the end result was that it was destroying my health, my emotions, my confidence and my ability to function. I couldn't even serve God or do the things that I'm gifted to do. And after more than twenty years, I failed. I quit. I said goodbye. I made a choice. I wasn't looking for someone to make me happy. I wasn't looking for someone to fill me. I was looking for a way to simply be able to breathe. To be allowed to function. And the word allowed came out so naturally and now I look at it and it occurs to me.....so many things that I felt disallowed to do or think or be and yet I was an adult. I can't say that I don't care what happens to him. I care. I love in a different sort of a way. I wish no harm. But I am very thankful to be on this side of those legal papers. Done.
I'm happier. I see it in photos. I wonder if it's as obvious to others as it is to me. Like a weight has been lifted.
I'm not saying that God couldn't have done it. I prayed for it. Lived for it. Looked for healing. For wholeness. But he didn't. He liked things just how they were. He liked being jealous. He liked being a victim. He liked getting the good from me. I don't think he ever considered that there would come a time that I would stop. Because he used my religious convictions to hold me to a promise. But it was a promise he has already broken. Had given up years before. If he ever had it at all. Because life was about him. And because of my personality, that was ok to a degree. I like to give. But, it's like a leech. One now and then won't hurt you. But too many....all at once....they suck you dry.
And God is in this time. He goes before. He comforts. He lifts my head. He hears my tears. He fills my heart. And no matter what, I know that He has allowed this into His plan. Not because He likes it, but because sometimes things are used to show people the way back to Him. I hope that my ex finds Him. Find Him not in rules and regulations, but in the reality of daily life. In everything. Not as a way to keep others in line, but as a relationship. And, I also feel like God can use it as justice. For, He is just. And He does not want me to willingly allow myself to be abused. Misused. Treated unkindly. It wasn't my first option. It wasn't even my hundredth. It was way down the list. The last one. The......I can't live if I can't breathe.
So here I am. Celebrating it alone. Didn't tell the kids. Nobody else really knew. Didn't get any cards...go figure.
And I love that I will sleep peacefully tonight. That I will be rested and able to breathe. I am thankful.
blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.