Trying

I am trying to share my heart.  Trying to learn to just say things without unkindness or meanness.  But, I'm not sure that I can do that yet.  I want to get past the need to actually be heard.  My entire world is full of his friends.  Of people who have to feel like they need to sit on a fence.  And be kind to both.  And that is what it is.  I can't blame nor not understand.  But when I hear it, my heart weeps.  I can barely hold it together.  Because I want to shout, "he has family, he has church, he has EVERYONE, and who do I get to have?"  But that's not how it works.  And the fact that new people come is not the same as the people with whom I have history.  Makes me feel ill.  But I have to keep remembering that time goes by.  I will heal.  Just as it is.  I can't change others.  I can't change circumstances.  But I can change how I feel about me.  I can give myself the permission to hurt and mourn for these losses.  Though nobody is there to get it.  Shoot, he even write MY supposed family.  Others that I've seen go through similar things have had good support.  Family.  Friends.  Me....and I have to say that I had to learn, but I understand pretty well now what support looks like.  It looks like whatever they need in the moment. 
Can't take the healing journey class.  Apparently if you've had a huge life change or crisis or too many changes then this isn't the time.  Besides, my list of people that I could possibly talk to is pretty short.
Can't go to sunday school. 
Can't just lay it out there anywhere.  People say you should.  Say you can.  But in the next breath they also say how they are both of our friends.  And I have to choke back the tears.  Have to suddenly remember that I need to watch what I say. 
I always need to be aware that what I say can and probably will get back to him.  That somebody will think that they are doing a good thing. 
Church was ok.  And yet hard.  Had two people ask me how I was and then cringe when they realized what they had said.  They know, but I haven't told them. 
Another friend has to explain me to her husband who is best buds with my ex.  That's hard too.
Some days I just want a break.  One day where I can just say to people that I care about exactly what I want to.
But, it's not wise.  It's not fair to share with people in order to dump my stuff so that I feel better. 
But I'll tell you.....sometimes, I just want to say that I am pretty awesome to have made it as long as I did.  That I held so much together.  That I held the kids together.  And now it feels like everything has fallen apart in my world.  That I'm alone. 
And even in that overwhelming aloneness......I am so happy to be able to breathe.  Because no matter what anyone else thinks or feels or believes.....it was killing me.  Literally.  And this is just where I need to be. 
I have great friends.  They are the most wonderful ladies you could ever hope to know.  Yet, even there, they are not mine and not his.  They are both.  Just how it is.
blessings.