I forget to cut myself slack. I forget that it's only been a few months. I forget that dealing with the crap wears me out physically.....explaining why I fell sound asleep at 7:30. Really. And am now tucked into my bed in my jammies having told my little loves good night.
I forget that I went through a lot and that recovery takes time. So easy to give it to others. So easy to be hard on myself. I want so badly to simply be me again. None of the crap.
I asked a friend last night if it's too hard staying friends with me. I feel like a burden. Like my choosing to make him an ex makes others have to go through hard times. That hurts beyond belief. And in the midst of that, I try to diminish what I lived through. What I felt. How I was treated.
Sometimes it's so hard when I see him looking so nice to everyone. Ok, often it's hard. Makes my stomach hurt. Because I really don't trust him. At all.
He ended up asking me to my son's party on Saturday night. I will decline. But if it was important to my son I would go. But I want it to be about him. About his journey. Not about me and his dad. Or his dad trying to impress me. And it still comes back to that feeling that he just wants me to say that everything is fine. He refuses to own it. Oh, he says the words, "I didn't meet her needs." It mostly comes out sounding like I was exceptionally needy and poor him just didn't know what to do.
Bottom line is that I need to learn to be kind to me. To learn that sometimes my friends are going to hurt along with me. And my kids. That's simply painful. And wears on me.
But I'm going to cut myself some slack. Take it easy a little bit and go to sleep early. And I'm going to try not to cry about the whole weekend thing. I have had my son many nights. The ex needs time to show off his skills. And....at least he is making an effort. With good intentions or not. Doesn't matter. As long as my son gets good stuff put into his life.
blessings.
I forget that I went through a lot and that recovery takes time. So easy to give it to others. So easy to be hard on myself. I want so badly to simply be me again. None of the crap.
I asked a friend last night if it's too hard staying friends with me. I feel like a burden. Like my choosing to make him an ex makes others have to go through hard times. That hurts beyond belief. And in the midst of that, I try to diminish what I lived through. What I felt. How I was treated.
Sometimes it's so hard when I see him looking so nice to everyone. Ok, often it's hard. Makes my stomach hurt. Because I really don't trust him. At all.
He ended up asking me to my son's party on Saturday night. I will decline. But if it was important to my son I would go. But I want it to be about him. About his journey. Not about me and his dad. Or his dad trying to impress me. And it still comes back to that feeling that he just wants me to say that everything is fine. He refuses to own it. Oh, he says the words, "I didn't meet her needs." It mostly comes out sounding like I was exceptionally needy and poor him just didn't know what to do.
Bottom line is that I need to learn to be kind to me. To learn that sometimes my friends are going to hurt along with me. And my kids. That's simply painful. And wears on me.
But I'm going to cut myself some slack. Take it easy a little bit and go to sleep early. And I'm going to try not to cry about the whole weekend thing. I have had my son many nights. The ex needs time to show off his skills. And....at least he is making an effort. With good intentions or not. Doesn't matter. As long as my son gets good stuff put into his life.
blessings.
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