You know, I have had so much beating down by people who say that they are speaking for God, that I am not inclined to do so. I know that I have the right to tell my aunt...and others....that there are biblical reasons to part. That God has standards. That I am valuable to Him as just me as well as married. But, somehow, I just can't force myself to do it.
My ex would use the bible to get me in line. To make me feel guilty for saying something. He would use God to make me feel small, but not to build me up. And I don't want to be that.
And...I don't feel qualified to speak for God. Only to the fact that He loves, redeems and stays. Only to the fact that I know His comfort because I have experienced it. But I can't say what He thinks of where I am. I can learn to walk with Him. To continue to hear Him, but I can't tell others, "well, God says....." because I think that every journey is unique. That every heart and soul is special enough to Him that He walks through those unique circumstances with each person as they come.
I feel ok saying not to bother me. Not to hurt me. Not to judge me.
My one son doesn't go see his dad. He came as close as he has ever come today to explaining it. Before telling me that it's not my business. I love that boy. I will just keep praying for his heart. He has been injured. I can apologize for my part, but I can't be a dad to him. That's hard.
So reflective feeling today. It's as if I'm too tired to do a whole lot of work so my mind is working extra.
I'm not worried. I do laugh that my ex has thousands of dollars in the bank while I have less than a hundred. And he will get paid yet again before he owes us a check again. Kinda funny. But, then I remember....he is getting what he always wanted. Money in the bank. And I am getting to breathe. I guess that's a win win.
I am not sure that it is healthy that he takes the kids when it is convenient. Not sure what that teaches my boys about being a father. But, I'm going to leave that to their other Father to make right. To meet them. To love them. Because I can't be that. I can't make up for it. I never could. I've tried for so many years. And now...I'm letting it go.
Going to take a bath. Going to see my girlfriends tonight. They make life fun. And, they hold things together for each other. I adore their laughter.
blessings.
My ex would use the bible to get me in line. To make me feel guilty for saying something. He would use God to make me feel small, but not to build me up. And I don't want to be that.
And...I don't feel qualified to speak for God. Only to the fact that He loves, redeems and stays. Only to the fact that I know His comfort because I have experienced it. But I can't say what He thinks of where I am. I can learn to walk with Him. To continue to hear Him, but I can't tell others, "well, God says....." because I think that every journey is unique. That every heart and soul is special enough to Him that He walks through those unique circumstances with each person as they come.
I feel ok saying not to bother me. Not to hurt me. Not to judge me.
My one son doesn't go see his dad. He came as close as he has ever come today to explaining it. Before telling me that it's not my business. I love that boy. I will just keep praying for his heart. He has been injured. I can apologize for my part, but I can't be a dad to him. That's hard.
So reflective feeling today. It's as if I'm too tired to do a whole lot of work so my mind is working extra.
I'm not worried. I do laugh that my ex has thousands of dollars in the bank while I have less than a hundred. And he will get paid yet again before he owes us a check again. Kinda funny. But, then I remember....he is getting what he always wanted. Money in the bank. And I am getting to breathe. I guess that's a win win.
I am not sure that it is healthy that he takes the kids when it is convenient. Not sure what that teaches my boys about being a father. But, I'm going to leave that to their other Father to make right. To meet them. To love them. Because I can't be that. I can't make up for it. I never could. I've tried for so many years. And now...I'm letting it go.
Going to take a bath. Going to see my girlfriends tonight. They make life fun. And, they hold things together for each other. I adore their laughter.
blessings.
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