People Say the Darndest Things

I had an inbox from an aunt tonight.  A missionary aunt.  We rarely talk or see one another.  She has corresponded with my ex recently.  After assuring me that he took "all" responsibility, she went on to tell me how it was my fault.  Well, not exactly.  But basically the gist is to do whatever it takes to stay married.  But since I'm not married anymore, I wonder.....am I already considered condemned?  Is it too late?  Just being a little facestious.  But, truly, she hurt me.  A lot.  She doesn't know what life was like.  She doesn't know that he seems sorry now.  He seems like he just doesn't understand.  But, I had been married to him nearly 22 years.  He would cry to distract me from saying anything I needed in order to turn the attention to him.  He would fight for hours and then "apologize" after I had been so beaten down that I could barely function.  He has never thought of me above himself.  Ever.
And what I have come to realize is that need is not the same as love.  That wanting to possess or feeling jealous does not mean that you care.  I'm so weary of him playing the victim.  Of saying that he wasn't meeting my needs and he just doesn't know how to "win" me back.  I'm so very tired of him contacting people that he has no business contacting in the first place.  I don't call or email his family to tell them what he has done or hasn't done.
I made a choice.  I get that.  And no matter my reasons, I get that some people will believe that it is wrong.  Completely.  And some people will blame my friends.  Or some other influences.  But this decision was mine alone.  It has been a hard road to walk.  It was a hard decision to make.
She says that I'm going to destroy my children.  That even if they look ok now, they will be damaged.  Strangely, in the Bible, the best fathers had sons that were horrible and the worst ones had sons that served God.  Go figure.  I think that God is faithful.  Even in the midst of all of this.  And I don't think that anyone gets to blame someone else for their success or failure.
She wounded me.  She says that I know in my heart that what I am doing is wrong.  But I haven't told her what I am doing.  We don't talk.  I am stressed.  I am tired.  I am sad.
Sometimes I look around the world and wonder if there will be a time or place where I don't feel like I have to do everything to make everyone else have a better life.  It feels like they are saying that in my own life there is no room for me.
I told her that I lived too long making it work to keep everyone else happy.  I mean that too.  I LIKE for others to be comfortable.  Happy.  Content.  But I am beginning to realize that it doesn't mean that I don't get to have hopes dreams and things for me too.
Who gets to decide for me?  Me.  With God.  Who does not condemn?  Or does He condemn some?  I am so confused.  It's like a double message.  That freedom and hope and life are a gift....if you give up the ability to live and breathe and have hope?   Really?  Is that what it means to live the christian life?  Does denying self mean that I have to give up everything so that he can have all that he hopes and dreams?  Because frankly, that's how it was.
I'm not interested.  Not in that kind of portrayal of Jesus.  I believe in the Jesus of the Bible.  The One who sees me.  The whole me.  Who embraces me.  Who totally gets me.  Who walks with me every moment.  Even now.  ESPECIALLY now.  But, I can't say that I know for sure.  It's just the idea that I get from the Bible.  That I don't do anything to merit or buy His grace.  His forgiveness.  His mercy.  That He receives me.  Just like this.  Frail.
But there are people who make me doubt that.  And it reminds me of my marriage.  Of the performance standard.  "Loved" if you perform adequately.  I don't want to live there anymore.  I haven't been........and yet.......it's so hard when people cut so deeply.  Though I'm sure that they mean so well.  I hope that they do at least.
She says that she knows that I'll be mad.  More like injured.  I kind of hope that I don't hear from her anymore.  She says that I know in my heart that what I'm doing is wrong.  But she is totally wrong.  What I was doing before was wrong.  It was fake.  It was covering up and excusing his bad behavior.
So tired.  Working so hard.  And wondering.......does anyone see me?  Does it matter that I'm here?  Am I anything just as me?  Or do I only hold value as a spouse?  I am struggling.  I am hurting.  All because someone who probably means well said things in an assuming manner.
What gives someone the right to speak into my life?  I think that it's when they are willing to be there no matter what my decision is.  No matter what I choose.  That there is mutual respect even when we differ.  Instead, I find that some christians, including my ex, want to use Jesus to bully, to make people conform to their ideals.
How weary this all makes me.  I want to sleep, but I am upset.  My head pounds.  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  Can't scream....kids would wonder what's up.
So I sit here...writing.  Wondering when the garbage will end.  I just want to run away.
My son behaves as if his life is ruined.  That I'm a lousy mother.  And maybe I am.  But at least I'm here....still putting into his life.  At least I didn't say that I didn't want to have him here.  His dad wants to "parent" when it's convenient.  When he's not too busy.  I agree that they deserve to have a home, but I think that he could have provided one as well.
Don't know what else to say.  Wish I wasn't alone.  Yet, I need to remember that I'm not.  Just because others tell me that God has issues with me doesn't mean that he does.  Just not sure what to do.
Guess I'll try to rest my pounding head.
blessings.