The Party

The kids suddenly remembered that they were supposed to take the volleyball and horse shoes to the going away party.  And, inside, I smiled.  I get what is happening.  He saw the stuff set up when we had my son's birthday party.  At the last minute, my son kinda wanted me to go.  I was filthy from ripping up carpet, but I could tell.  It was hard, but I still chose to stay home.  Need a bath.  Didn't think that I could face five hours of time in the pretense zone.  Don't know who I would have to visit with.  Seemed too hard.  Too much.  And though it's hard to admit...I need to do some things just because it's what I need for me right now.  My son said, "you could come and be with me the rest of the day."  My heart fell.  Being with him is wonderful.  He chose me this morning.  Though his dad tried to take him then too.  He took him last night.  Tonight.  But, he doesn't get to take away the love or commitment or connection that I have with the kids.  He buys them more things now.  Takes them out to eat.  Feeds them fancier foods.  Buys more expensive soda.  They notice.  But those things don't make a father.  I'm glad that they are getting something though.  Glad that there is time.  Because the bottom line is that I can never ever be their father.  Only their mama. 
The party has been going on for about an hour.  I have a lot of work to do around the house because we pulled up stinky carpet.  But I am without a vaccuum and have nearly finish pulling up the tacks.  So, perhaps it's nearly time for a bath and some rest time.
Each time I have to face all of this stuff, it takes up a lot of energy.  I need to learn to be good to myself in those times.  To hear myself.  To love the person I am and treat her with compassion.  Even if nobody else in the world can get it or feel it or walk with me....I can learn to look at myself and know what I need, how I really feel.....and give myself permission to be right there for that season.  For God has things to teach me.  And wants to love me in the here and now.  I love that.
blessings.