Emotions

I have had lots of emotions going round and round.  Nobody to talk to.  Well, lots of people to talk to, but not about this stuff.  If you have a spouse, people often assume you talk to them...it's considered ok.  But if you are single, you have to keep things to yourself even moreso.
I don't have the place to just share those things that are confidences and share the burden.  But, I never really did.  It's very difficult to deal with sometimes.  But, overall it's not a burden.
This last week was strange and interesting.  In good way.  In painful ways.
I heard of someone who quit drugs.  Quit his job.  Found out he's going to be a daddy.  And had a job interview.  All in one week.  Wow.  I was amazed.  I am amazed.  Talk about quite a week.  Wow.  I know that the stress must be huge.  And the excitement.
I heard of someone who got an unexpected job.  Someone else who is going to go work on and Indian Reservation and is quitting her job.
I chatted with someone who thought that some difficult news was going to prove to be the demise of a business.  And another who, upon receiving the same news, felt like it was an opportunity to show good.
I have worked hard.  Managed to keep up...mostly.  I have slowly chipped away at what I need to do for graduation.
My son finished his last class.  My other son went back to work for the summer.  My other son :) is moving to a new apartment in one month...and hoping to have a new job.  My baby son is still reveling in his month of his mom not making him do things so that he can show how mature he is on his own...not so much, yet at least.
My daughter is off on a girl's sleepover to rally around a lifelong friend who was unexpectedly dumped by a guy she has dated for three years.
I am getting ready to get a haircut.  After a bath.  Because me?  I've already been out in the garden this morning.  It was lovely.  I would have stayed.  But, my salon demands a little more than mud crusted in appearance.
Off I go to the day.  I hope that your crazy, amazing, interesting, troubling things....find a way to settle into the peacefulness of your heart.
blessings.

For Such a Time as This

I am in a new time.  Sometimes it's so comfortable that I forget what a change it is.  It is a blessed time.  A holy time.  A set apart time.  This is a time where God has shown me that He will always remain.  That He is indeed faithful.  That He totally provides.  Everything.
I have been divorced.
And that is where I am.
But that is not what I am.
I am not a divorced woman.
Nor a divorced teacher.
Nor a divorced mother.
Nor a divorced anything.
I am a woman.
A teacher.
A mother.
A lover of beauty.
Not a divorced lover of beauty.
A friend.
A seeker.
It would be like putting black in front of a word.
Or any sin.
A drunk mother.
A promiscuous mother.
It would be like putting the word lesser.
A lesser mother.
A lesser teacher.
A lesser christian.
It might sound harsh, but divorced doesn't belong there as an adjective....descriptor,,,,if every other aspect of my life
It doesn't.
I am His.  For such a time as this.  And He doesn't count those other things against me.  He holds me.  Anyway?  Better than that.  Passionately.  Without reserve.  The One who created me.  He is beyond any image I can have for Him.  Greater.  More.  Fabulously, miraculously more.
And He is with me where I am.  How I am.
He has made me who I am.  And is continuing that work. For such a time as this.   To be a voice.
You are not defined by what you have done.  By your failures.  Your weaknesses.  Rather, in those weaknesses and failures, He can make Himself known without you...or me...being in the way.
I am a woman.  Beloved.  Receiver of all things good.  Provided for.
For such a time as this, He has comforted me that I may comfort others.
blessings.

The Good with the Bad

I had a really nice day.  A great Mother's Day.  Yet, there was this cloud with my eldest.  He was on his first day of stopping smoking pot...again.  And he was in a foul mood.  And he was needy.  And he had bad news.  And he hates his job.  And he wanted to be the center.  And....it was draining. He has a disease called

Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome

and it is going to kill him if he doesn't stop smoking pot.  He has too little body fat to absorb the cannabis.  It attacks the liver and other organs.  He is sick all of the time.  He is drinking now instead.

The drama.  It's hard on me.  I know that it's hard on him and yet, this is all his choice.  He has chosen to continually go back.  He has chosen not to get help.  He chooses.  And then wants attention for the consequences.  I'd rather give him attention for other reasons.  He has many reasons to give him attention, but trying to isolate me on Mother's Day...well, it didn't feel right.   It kind of shut me down.   That, and I am getting a cold or something.  We were here a few months ago.  I told him he had to get help.  He made up reasons why he didn't and why it wouldn't work.

Now his family has to suffer his withdrawal.  Again.

And he doesn't want to stop.  Even if it kills him.

The self centeredness of it all is appalling to me.  

Weary.  of.  being put.  in awkward positions.

And he kicked the kids out of the kitchen so that he could have it to himself.  Then complained when they weren't doing the parts he wasn't doing.  It was stressful like when my ex was around.  Trying to keep him happy.  

He's also sleep deprived because of his job.  

He needs help.  But I'm not it.  He needs a sponsor.  Not a mommy.  

Ok, there's my barfing out the bad part of the day.

The rest was splendiforous.

My graduating senior gave me a shout out during senior recognition at church.  And he managed not to say anything bad about his dad.  All in all, I'm pretty happy.

My daughter posted how I make her laugh that I'm her bestest bestest friend.  

The kids took great photos together.  Really funny.  The boys held signs that read "don't mess with her!" and my daughter sat in a chair looking like a princess.  Pretty awesome.

We went to a friend's house.  My bestie.  And between the two of us, all of our kids but one were there.  Pretty amazing since there are nine.  

I am blessed.  Abundantly.  

And about the other....I have to figure out boundaries that won't hurt his feelings too much.  Somehow.  

blessings.

Mom's Day

Here it is.  The wee hours of Mother's Day.  I don't dread holidays like I did before.  Being single has taken the edge off.  But, Mother's Day always tugs at my heart.....I can say that not having a mother in the forties is perhaps more difficult than younger.  So many things that it would have been nice to share.  Nice for her to get to know.  These kids floor me.  It would have been nice for them to have her around to enjoy them and they her.  Bet she wouldn't have not come to my son's graduation because he's being a pain...because SHE was a pain! Funny.
Mom,
There's so much that I wish we could have shared.  So much that I wish we were still sharing.  I miss you so often and when it's not consciously missing you, there is yet a hole.  However, there have been people provided by God to walk with me.  To share their love and help.  I am appreciative of that.  Nonetheless, I miss you.  And sometimes, in that time between sleeping and waking, it's like we're talking.  Like you've come to meet with me.  I know it's only memories and hopes...but in that moment, it's all of the real that I have and I struggle to hang onto it as I come fully awake.
You were a woman worth knowing.  I have never been as posh as you were.  Nor the graceful beauty.  Where you seemed to move efffortlessly, I am awkward.  You were outgoing...a cheerleader...me, that sounds horrible!  But those who have known both of us, say that I stand like you, flip magazines like you, hold myself like you, fight back like you.  I almost forgot who I was, mom.  Maybe it was in one of those early mornings that you reminded me to keep fighting.
I haven't given up.  I have come back.  I am learning ot be fearless...you were fearless.  I forgot how for awhile.  But, not forever.
I really wish that you could meet my daughter.  And her best friend.  They are such amazing young ladies.  I wish that you could know my best friend.  Because that's another gift that you gave to me without directly teaching it.  I remember your friends.  Your girl friends.  You laughed and cried and enjoyed life with them.  That impacted me.
You were divorced.  And going to get remarried.  I can't picture the remarried part.  But, I stayed in the bad for much longer.  You were one brave woman.  I wonder how many people shunned you?  Didn't understand.  Told you that you should be more forgiving.  But you chose your path and walked it.  You changed lives as you did.
Yes, still and forever, I miss having a mama.  I miss belonging to someone.  And without grandma around, having to be the matriarch, well, I didn't feel quite ready for that.  So, instead, I'm just trying to be me.  And love my kids much.  And trust me, they have gone through some pretty crazy times.  Yet, they are so easy to love.  So dear to my soul.
I love you, mom.  I appreciate the little things that you left as my legacy.  And, thanks for giving my daughter such great skin color and brown eyes.  She's a beauty.  And when I look at your pcitures, I see her.
Love,
Grace.

I Got It

I'm over my pity party.  Mostly.  Just a few mini ones along the way.  Poor me, no mom to help me.  No mom for mother's day.  Poor me, work full time and have to do this other stuff and try to do it all and make it look easy.  Poor me.  I just have such a hard life.
Snort.  Ha.
I have a FABULOUS life.  I have people who love me.  I have a house that keeps me warm.  I have a bed to sleep on.  Food to eat.  A job that I love going to.  I have a neater house than a hoarder. :)  See, there's always a positive.  AND, if I am unhappy with how things are then I need to change something.  I think that next year I will hire someone a couple of times a month to clean my house.  The floors.  The bathrooms.  The drawers.  You know, the things  that get left.  I think that would help me a lot.  And...I got a raise.  I could use that.
Instead of bitching in my soul about what is wrong, I am choosing to celebrate and look for good.
My life is full.  I am happily divorced.  Very happily.
I don't have a ton of people in my life.  Many have shunned.  Oh well.  I'm quite happy.
I have enough.  Enough love.  Enough faith.  Enough joy.  Enough.  Whatever I need, God provides.  Today, He provided me hope.  Courage to stand up to the overwhelming fear.
Most of this fear is based on the upcoming party.  I know it.  I am not a socialite.  Sooo....I'll have to put on my extrovert suit and do my best.  I will be SO worn out, but I can do it.  I did it for years.
blessings.

Moments

There are moments where life feels hard.  Like there's so much to do and so very little time and really, beyond that, trouble with energy and strength.  It troubles me some.  Yet, I am making a choice.  Consciously.  To worry less.  To let go.  To start where I am and do the one little thing that helps.  Whether it's with people or cleaning or grading or...whatever.  I have had to teach myself to begin.  To try.  To not be depressed.
Getting there.  Today it means that I started in the hallway.  Check.  Now entry way.  If I get off of here...it'll just be awhile.  I can do it.  But, I almost cried.  Stressed.  And then I remembered.  I am fearless.  I don't owe perfection nor belittling myself for falling so far behind.  I am a lousy housekeeper.  Oh well.  I'm really good at some other things.
I have trouble being motivated on my own.  In believing that I can do it.  But...I can.  Really.  One little space at a time.
Now...back to it.
blessings.

free at last free at last

free at last free that last i thank god almighty that i'm free at last.  yes i do.  deeply.  from the heart.  the ex hasn't written about canceling the discover that we have in name together.  i could do it.  he'd be stuck.  i don't like to be that way.  seems petty.  and yet....how rude that he left me on it.
but i am free.  to not be his.  to breathe.  free.  to sleep in safety.  free.  to love freely.  giving.
i believe i should toast to that!
blessings.

Decree

My divorce paperwork arrived in the mail today.  Yep it did. I am positively giddy.  Maybe it would make others cringe to hear.  It's just time.
And I am happy.
And breathing.
Yes, breathing.
ahhhh

I Will Survive. Love the song.

I Will Survive.  Yes.  I will.  Made it through tonight.  Ex was not there.  Rest of teachers were.  He didn't know my son was going.  Score.
Made it through the awkward visiting.  Three and a half hours.  Home now.
Breathe.  Keep going.  Enjoy the journey.  Savor the time.  My boy's time home will go too fast.  Be present.  Don't tune out.
I MADE IT!!!
CELEBRATE!!!
blessings.

Discover

Discover.  The card.  My ex has not opened a new account.  I am still listed on his.  Though I have no card. AND this means that I am still obligated to repay it should he not.  Even if he dies.  Yes.  Really.  Why oh why did he not hear what the judge said?  Why oh why does he make everything so stinking hard?  Why oh WHY does he never ever ever stop and see how others feel?  I don't know.  I have never understood.  I certainly won't be able to figure it out now.  But I do know that it's true.
He's not too nice.  He is fake.
And I have to go to a banquet that he'll be at tonight.  For graduating seniors.  At our church.  In the youth group.  Where he teaches.  And I wonder if he'll be there.  And I suddenly had the horrifying thought that he might try to sit by us.  AAAAaaaaahhhhh.  Need wine.  Really.  A nice huge glass before I go.  But I won't.  I don't have any.  A tranquilizer could be nice too.  But I don't have those either.
So.  I just face it.  One foot in front of the other.  One breath at a time.  Hope we don't make a scene.  My son would be mortified.  Totally.
Maybe a good cry would do it, but there's not time.
Being a mama is a blessing.  Huge.  Wonderful.  But in this time with my son, it is PAINFUL.  He doesn't want to be with his dad.  I respect that.  And I hope and pray it changes.  In his time.  As he heals.  But until then.....I've got to figure out how to breathe and get through all of this month.  Somehow.  I know.  I will be carried.
blessings.