Yesterday

Yesterday was a storing up courage day.  After my morning out at the girl's study, I retreated to a friend's house.  I was a lump.  Moved from the couch.  To the computer.  To a chair.  To the computer.  To the couch.  To another couch. I began to sob when I was in the chair.  Just needing to release the stored up pain.  Needing to hope without being squashed.  So, I began to cry...but, life, in the form of young people, intruded....so, instead I just rested.  Breathed.  Stored up courage.  Searched for my voice.
I am beginning to wish that I had gone to the safe shelter this week.  I didn't feel comfortable.  Makes me feel awkward to tell his story too.
If you think of me today, please pray.  I need an extra dose of courage and I need words today.  And know that you are in my heart.  Though I don't know your name, I know that if you are here, you are probably hurting.
grace to you.

Shame and Guilt and Wounded Hearts

Today I went to a women's once a month study....this season, it is about "fractured families".  I wasn't sure that I could go.  However, when it came down to it, I would rather be there than at home.  I didn't make it through the introduction part before my tears began.  And I thought that I could hold it all back...I did an admirable job, if you admire such things, but couldn't hold it all back.  The speaker quoted how wounded hearts don't heal in the midst of shame and guilt.  I nearly completely lost it.  That's why I can't heal where I am.  I am truly trying.  I am truly strong.  I remembered that today.  And how full of courage I am.  But it doesn't keep it from being hard.
Then she talked about our histories...our family trees and how they affect us.  Patterns from the past generations.  I KNOW what I learned.  I learned that if I keep people content then my life will be easier.  If I accept what is then I can remain happy.  But, it doesn't work anymore.  And that's why I feel like such a failure.  This is harder than any of my childhood. I cannot make him happy.  I am the disappointment.  He wants me so that he doesn't fail.  This week I realized that perhaps I am standing in God's way of healing him....because at some point, he is going to have to learn that he can totally fail and that God won't love him any less...nor anymore.  And I can't stay.
I have avoided talking to him.  Because when I do, all I have to say is that I need time away.  Maybe forever. I can't say.  I have no idea.  No clue.  But my heart is incredibly wounded.  Feels like I'm bleeding out.
And she talked about how we are all needed.  And all need the others.  It should be true.  But isn't necessarily.  I think that some people are just relieved when the hurting "disappear".....then they don't have to figure out what to do or what to say.
Today was hard.  The discussion part.  It wasn't bad or mean.  Just felt incredibly like each person was trying to say that you will have a good life of blessing and will be changed and be good if you remain close to God but that if you don't, then it's exhibited by the bad things that happen.  And.  Well.  That contributed to my shame and guilt without them meaning it to.  I've tried so hard to love Him.  To let Him just love me.  To follow.  But life is hard....at least for me.  Even when I am intimate with Him.  Don't know how to fix it.  Maybe I AM the heathen. Maybe I am the cause of this horrible mess?  That hurts.  I don't think that I believe it.  But....it seems like what most christians believe.  If you follow, you will be blessed.  If you don't, then life will be messy.
So, basically I feel run over by a truck.  Like  I could sleep for hours.  Have things to do.  Should be cleaning my house.  No way I want to be there.  My kids are all gone.  Nope.  Can't have any idea how drained all of this has made me.
But in the midst.  I know that I am loved.  Know that there are those who stay.  Who hold on while I can't.  I cried again when we were singing.  Well, when my girlfriends around me were singing and I was soaking it up.  It was a picture to me of how others can carry the tune when I just can't "sing".  And that's ok.
grace to you.

My Life

Life as I know it has changed.  Maybe not how others view me or my life.  But inside of me.  In that place where I really live.  I am finding that peace is not always given.  Sometimes it has to be pursued, picked up, taken.  I am learning that I have to take responsibility for my own stuff.  And that I am not responsible for someone else's stuff.  I am learning that because someone says that he is sorry and I say that I forgive DOESN'T mean that life has to go back to the same old rut and habits.  I get to choose to live differently.
I am learning that sometimes letting someone fail, not covering for him, not making it all ok.....can actually allow he and God the time that they need to get together.  And....God and I too.
I am learning that the fate of the world does not rest upon my succeeding in everything.  And that "failing" is often just the precursor to another part of life being a great success.
My life has changed.  My heart has changed.
I have changed.  For the better.  No, I am not hard hearted.  No, I am not uncaring.  I have simply realized that I matter also.  And that being me is important.  I'm the only me that there is.
grace to you.

Then. Now.

Tonight, I drove my daughter and a friend to their once a week youth group.  He's a boy.  No, it's not a romantic interest.  They have known one another for their whole lives.  They are friends.  They care for one another.  She bosses him.  He protects her.  She is 12 days older.  He is much bigger.  When they were small, people would assume that they were twins.  They would often ride in the double stroller together.  Both have brown hair and dark eyes.  His more hazel.  Hers more brown.  Though, they both change at different moments.  Both are dark complected. A couple of years ago, they dressed as twins in middle school and since they were much more comparable in size at that point, they were mistaken for each other during the day.  That always makes them laugh.
 And, from the time they were very small, he would watch out for her.  We have a photo of him holding her hand in the tall grass at an open space park.  He was helping her to walk through it because it scared her.  And tonight, in this time, more than a decade later, I watched as they exited my car and walked side by side to enter the church.  He, much broader and taller.  She, smaller and becoming curvy.  He walked with that bit of a swagger that young men get when taking care of someone.  I stopped to watch.  To enjoy the moment.  They came to the door, he opened it.  He let her go first.  She paused inside and they walked to the next entrance together...close, not touching....and again, at this door, he stopped, moved aside and allowed her to precede him into the building.  He treated her with such respect.  And, so naturally.  Not because someone was telling him to.  Not because he was trying to get her to like him.  Just simply because they are close.  I loved the moment.  I will cherish it.  Unfortunately, there won't be a picture to add to the one from their preschool years, but it will remain in my mind.  And in my heart.
They are so different.  But they respect and care for one another.  It brings tears to my eyes.  They have something very special.  Something that makes them stronger in their other friendships.  It's a blessing.  What's funny is that they probably don't even know how spectacular it is.  They haven't ever been without one another.  They go to school together and church.  They run cross country together.  They play in band together.  They believe in one another.  It's a gift.  I was blessed to get to see it and remember all over again how good God is to provide.
And, I was also thinking about how my daughter expects for young men to respect her.  And I'm thankful to her friend for being that in her life so that she has grown accustomed to it.  Oh, NEVER think that they don't laugh and cut up and act silly.  That's true too.
Blessed.  Totally.  By just the little things.
grace to you.

Still Reuben Morgan

Sleep

I crashed.  Absolutely.  At about eight o'clock last night, I just couldn't do it anymore.  Was reading a book.  Or trying to.  Had made dinner.  Cleaned the kitchen.  Laid down to wait....and bang.  I was out.  Guess I was truly finally totally exhausted.  But at 9:30 my husband woke me up "in my space"....he hadn't been home when I fell asleep.  However, I slept on.  He turned off the light and went away.  I wasn't exactly friendly.  Not mean, just kind of "go away" and don't bother me.
Sleep is necessary.  Real sleep.  Restful sleep.  The kind that rejuvenates.  It has been a long time since I had my last good night's sleep.
I plan on having more.
grace to you.

Oh, THERE I Am

Lately I've been having glimpses of me every now and then.  The me that is truly me.  Not cowering.  Not worrying over every little blip.  But those times aren't very common.  However, as those times come, I wake up a little bit more each time.  I remember that I'm not who he has said...I'm not hard hearted nor unforgiving.  I don't give up easily.  I'm no quitter.  But I forget.  Too often, I forget.  Too often I struggle to keep the peace.  To hope that all of this will just go away.  To survive instead of thrive.  And.......frankly.....it's stupid.  And I'm not stupid.  I want to see this girl on a regular basis.  I want to live life instead of trying to get by.  I want to focus on the good.  Hard to be so constantly overwhelmed.
Getting stronger.....a little at a time....day by day.....and I smile when I think, "oh, THERE she is."
grace to you.

Me

As I walked to the car to take the kids to school this morning, with a book in tow so that I could kill time at the park reading until hubby went to work....I was, as usual, thinking.  And what I realized is that while I know and accept where I am in my marriage, I always hold out hope.  I look carefully at each new moment to see if maybe I am wrong...maybe things are better than I think.  It is who I am.  I like who I am.  I like for there to be good.  I like to find the good.  But, I also realized that if I find it right now, it will cause me great pain.  Because I will still say goodbye.  I will still know that I can't live like this.  Even if he's not an evil monster, which it would be easier if he was in some ways....he is someone who repeatedly hurts me.  With his words.  With his attitudes.  With his sense of self.  And therein is my guilt.  Because while I can justify and rationalize walking away from someone who never changes, I am afraid that he is changing or will change and that I am the one being a hard hearted b****.  Because I'm supposed to forgive.  To love.  To give.  To serve.  And those are things that I LONG to do.  That please me to do.  That I pleasure in doing.  But NOT for him.  Not anymore.  NO more.  Because, unfortunately for him, I am finally turning the corner on it all and knowing that even if I am the horrible hard hearted one....I am still done.  Because in my life, I need some time where this woman who loves to give gets to actually give to herself.  No desire to be selfish...just self caring.    I desire life.  And life more abundantly.  I feel like I have settled for scraps.
Someone yesterday told me to grow a spine.  Because she knew I would have wanted to take my son to the airport.  Some spine growing goes on undetected....but, it does happen.  And, when the timing is right, it will work.
I have looked over my fears.  There is nothing that can't be made ok.  There are solutions.  And, I really can't spend the next forty years sleeping fitfully, always wondering what is coming next, avoiding my home.  hiding behind a screen if I get stuck being there when he is....it's not much of a life.  

Word to the Wise

I have friends.  That is a a very good thing.  Friends who say hard truths.  Who push me.  Who give words to the wise.  Or to the one who desires to be wise.  And, that I do.  Not faint hearted.  Not pushed around.  But also not unkind.  What a fine line.  Hard for me to find it.
How to be good to myself and good to my kids.  I worry for them.  Two parents that don't get along or only one parent at a time.  What is healthier?  I'm not sure.  But something, somehow, has GOT to give.  I am way too worn out.
Ok.  I'm going to get to "bed" so that I'll be there before he gets home from basketball.
Hope I sleep.
grace to you.

Night. Morning.

The morning came.  I am up.  Ready to shower.  After I dry the towels that I washed but forgot to throw in the dryer.  Love clean towels. But last night was bad.  He wanted to know where I'd gone and what I'd been doing.  He didn't say, "did you and (friend's name) have a good time?  It is more and more like an inquisition.  That's hard.  I don't like it.  Makes me on edge.  Like being accused.  And he "deared" me nearly to death.  I was ill.  Finally, I made up the couch as if I were there...then I slept in a corner of the room where I would be less noticed.  I trembled.  I was cold.  I was afraid that he would come again.  But this time, I was afraid because I was uncomfortable...but also because I needed to make it a little longer to get my son away at school.  He is aware of things. I think that I have to DO something.  But not only thinking of me.  Thinking of many.  But, ALSO of me.  May God grant me wisdom and timing.
Tomorrow perhaps the safe shelter.  I just need some time of peace.  A separation.  But, in my heart, I know that I don't ever want to live as his wife again.  I want to learn to live well with him as the father of my children.  But, I wasn't manipulating or lying when I said something broke.  When I said that I was getting to a place of no return.  How hard it is.  Yet, what a relief the idea of sleeping in my own room seems.  What a relief to come home not to the stress of being not enough.
The night was awful.  I got so very cold that I took my phone and keys....still dressed, mind you....and got on the couch.  I covered my head but made it so that my eyes could see so that I could open them and check if I were alone.  I moved things into the walk way that would alert me if someone entered the room.  Yep, I think I'm done with living like this.  And with him always behaving as if forgiveness means that I have to forget something....I'm supposed to forget that he used threats against me that night nearly two weeks ago.  Because, he says that is forgiveness.  I said that I'm not God.  I don't even know how to forget something.  Except by making so many better or good memories that it covers over the pain in time.  But....that's not happening.
Nights are hard.  Makes mornings hard too.
grace to you.