The morning came. I am up. Ready to shower. After I dry the towels that I washed but forgot to throw in the dryer. Love clean towels. But last night was bad. He wanted to know where I'd gone and what I'd been doing. He didn't say, "did you and (friend's name) have a good time? It is more and more like an inquisition. That's hard. I don't like it. Makes me on edge. Like being accused. And he "deared" me nearly to death. I was ill. Finally, I made up the couch as if I were there...then I slept in a corner of the room where I would be less noticed. I trembled. I was cold. I was afraid that he would come again. But this time, I was afraid because I was uncomfortable...but also because I needed to make it a little longer to get my son away at school. He is aware of things. I think that I have to DO something. But not only thinking of me. Thinking of many. But, ALSO of me. May God grant me wisdom and timing.
Tomorrow perhaps the safe shelter. I just need some time of peace. A separation. But, in my heart, I know that I don't ever want to live as his wife again. I want to learn to live well with him as the father of my children. But, I wasn't manipulating or lying when I said something broke. When I said that I was getting to a place of no return. How hard it is. Yet, what a relief the idea of sleeping in my own room seems. What a relief to come home not to the stress of being not enough.
The night was awful. I got so very cold that I took my phone and keys....still dressed, mind you....and got on the couch. I covered my head but made it so that my eyes could see so that I could open them and check if I were alone. I moved things into the walk way that would alert me if someone entered the room. Yep, I think I'm done with living like this. And with him always behaving as if forgiveness means that I have to forget something....I'm supposed to forget that he used threats against me that night nearly two weeks ago. Because, he says that is forgiveness. I said that I'm not God. I don't even know how to forget something. Except by making so many better or good memories that it covers over the pain in time. But....that's not happening.
Nights are hard. Makes mornings hard too.
grace to you.
Tomorrow perhaps the safe shelter. I just need some time of peace. A separation. But, in my heart, I know that I don't ever want to live as his wife again. I want to learn to live well with him as the father of my children. But, I wasn't manipulating or lying when I said something broke. When I said that I was getting to a place of no return. How hard it is. Yet, what a relief the idea of sleeping in my own room seems. What a relief to come home not to the stress of being not enough.
The night was awful. I got so very cold that I took my phone and keys....still dressed, mind you....and got on the couch. I covered my head but made it so that my eyes could see so that I could open them and check if I were alone. I moved things into the walk way that would alert me if someone entered the room. Yep, I think I'm done with living like this. And with him always behaving as if forgiveness means that I have to forget something....I'm supposed to forget that he used threats against me that night nearly two weeks ago. Because, he says that is forgiveness. I said that I'm not God. I don't even know how to forget something. Except by making so many better or good memories that it covers over the pain in time. But....that's not happening.
Nights are hard. Makes mornings hard too.
grace to you.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.