I Walk Alone

I am loved.  And cared for.  And I know the greatest people.  But in some places, I simply have to walk alone.  There is no way to explain how traumatized I am at this point in my life.  How living through the "discovery" process is like using a cheese grater on my soul.  How talking about him in congenial ways and as if everything is fine hurts.  There's no way to explain to people how hard it is that he has to still be included in my life because he is included in theirs.....when all I crave is for him to get further away.  The rub is having friends that are common friends.  I keep wondering if I'd feel better if we were already separated...if then it would traumatize me less to have to cross and make plans together because I would get my own choices.  For all of our marriage, if he does something for me, he expects something in return.
So, here I sit.  A heap.  Nearly in tears.  With no good reason.  Well, no good reason that  I can explain to anyone.  How do I explain that I need the distance.  That I am so tender that it's like having a broken toe....every little step aches.
And how do I say that for me, healing is meaning going through hell.  I plan to keep on walking...not going to live here.  But it is intense.  It is scary.  It is hurtful.  And remembering and putting things together is not pretty or happy.  The good part is going "aha".  The bad part is feeling stupid.  Used.  Abused.  And every time I have to coordinate with him, it kills a piece of me.  Because he lords it over me.  Makes me ill.  He has never co-parented.  He does what he is asked...with great "let me see if I can arrange my busy schedule"....but he has never planned to take care of anyone but him.  
aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When will it pass, I wonder??
I know that I don't walk alone in all areas, but there is that area that is so deep, so consuming.........that nobody else will ever want to go there.  And I will never ask them to.  Because I want him to still have friends.
But a part of me wishes for those who are mine alone.  There are none.  Ah...there are those threatening tears.  How horrible.  I've shared everything with him for all of this time and I now have none that are just mine.  He took away those from my young adult days.  We never had the time or money to go see them when we went back to visit.....only his family and friends.  What a jerk.  I am tired.  I am hurt.  I am sad.
grace to you.