Having this time with only one child has assured me of one basic thing. I cannot wait for 41/2 years. Having only one around is not "barrier" enough nor "distraction" enough to help me to keep my sanity. I've been praying for how and when to use my words. I want it not to be in the middle of a battle. I want to feel safe. I don't want to do it in front of the kids. The dilemma is that I don't feel safe or comfortable in the house without the kids. I have really struggled with this.
Right or wrong, good or bad, I need a separation. I need to find the woman I am supposed to be without shame or guilt. And maybe after that, I'll be able to return to marriage. I am really not thinking so, to be honest. The habits are so ingrained. The rut is so deep. But, I know that I can't keep living like this. And I can't just stop. Have to keep going forward. So, I must go forward. And trust.
And in all of my prayers and wondering, I couldn't figure out where or how to use my words. I couldn't seem to wrap my mind around any way that would work. In the night....early morning really....I had an aha moment. I know where and I don't have to worry if I can explain myself. That's the basic problem anyway....he can't or won't hear me.....so, I can't expect that I'll get him to do so perfectly in this really hard time. But, I can have compassion. I can show care. I can use my words. Though they are hard.
And my heart felt lighter. My face felt less tense. I seemed happier. All because I know how and where to tell him. I know, that's sad, right? That the best day I've had is because I finally understand how I can tell my husband that I need to be separated. And that I know where I can do it safely. For both of us. And that I can do it with compassion. Finally. Not hatred. But also, caring for me too. Timing is everything. Things rarely happen when I think they will. They don't even happen when people tell me they should. But, eventually, it all comes together. I AM an overthinker. I get that. I am not a worrier, but a predictor, a thinker of what truly is BEST. Not just good. Or good enough.
I heard the other day on the christian radio station that this year has been dubbed the year of the "good enough" marriage. And...that is sad. How about the "abundant" marriage? The "growing" marriage? The anything but good enough...the status quo...the "I'm still here, but don't have very high expectations" attitude. I did the good enough marriage. I tried to say that it was ok. That I needed to just be thankful that it wasn't as bad as such and such. But measuring any relationship bases on how much or how little abuse there is or how much or how little love there is can't be healthy. It's a relationship, but it's broken. It's sick. It's in need of help. I realized that a long long time ago. But was shot down every time with the "commitment" argument. Now, I realize that it doesn't need to be an argument. I have needs. I have feelings. I have boundaries. And I am allowed to express them. Maybe not by him. But he is not in charge of me. Well, I let him be, but I don't have to....
here's to change. And courage. And a safe place to speak.
grace to you.
Right or wrong, good or bad, I need a separation. I need to find the woman I am supposed to be without shame or guilt. And maybe after that, I'll be able to return to marriage. I am really not thinking so, to be honest. The habits are so ingrained. The rut is so deep. But, I know that I can't keep living like this. And I can't just stop. Have to keep going forward. So, I must go forward. And trust.
And in all of my prayers and wondering, I couldn't figure out where or how to use my words. I couldn't seem to wrap my mind around any way that would work. In the night....early morning really....I had an aha moment. I know where and I don't have to worry if I can explain myself. That's the basic problem anyway....he can't or won't hear me.....so, I can't expect that I'll get him to do so perfectly in this really hard time. But, I can have compassion. I can show care. I can use my words. Though they are hard.
And my heart felt lighter. My face felt less tense. I seemed happier. All because I know how and where to tell him. I know, that's sad, right? That the best day I've had is because I finally understand how I can tell my husband that I need to be separated. And that I know where I can do it safely. For both of us. And that I can do it with compassion. Finally. Not hatred. But also, caring for me too. Timing is everything. Things rarely happen when I think they will. They don't even happen when people tell me they should. But, eventually, it all comes together. I AM an overthinker. I get that. I am not a worrier, but a predictor, a thinker of what truly is BEST. Not just good. Or good enough.
I heard the other day on the christian radio station that this year has been dubbed the year of the "good enough" marriage. And...that is sad. How about the "abundant" marriage? The "growing" marriage? The anything but good enough...the status quo...the "I'm still here, but don't have very high expectations" attitude. I did the good enough marriage. I tried to say that it was ok. That I needed to just be thankful that it wasn't as bad as such and such. But measuring any relationship bases on how much or how little abuse there is or how much or how little love there is can't be healthy. It's a relationship, but it's broken. It's sick. It's in need of help. I realized that a long long time ago. But was shot down every time with the "commitment" argument. Now, I realize that it doesn't need to be an argument. I have needs. I have feelings. I have boundaries. And I am allowed to express them. Maybe not by him. But he is not in charge of me. Well, I let him be, but I don't have to....
here's to change. And courage. And a safe place to speak.
grace to you.
Prayers are being answered, Grace. You are being loved and looked after by our gracious Lord. He is holding you tight to Him. He will provide the timing and you, within his arms, will hear the whisper in your ear from Him. Just stay close to His arms so you can retreat to them. It's where you belong. Let Him safely catch you and hold you tight to Him as you need to feel Him, and feel the safety net of His strength. He loves you like no other. He will care for you and take delight in you always. He created you magnificently and beautifully. He loves you and treasures you as He created you in His image. Your faith is immeasureable and your heart is filled with His compassion and love. What a blessing you are to Him. You praise Him and sing songs of joy for Him to hear. Rejoice in the fact that you are a complete wonder. You are loved. By me, too.
ReplyDeleteI cannot possibly tell you how much your words have meant to me. Wow. How eloquent. How kind. I see the prayers being answered. I don't think that my husband would agree. Thank you so much. Such tenderness is exceptionally rare and beautiful.
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