Tongue Tied

He acts as if nothing is wrong.  We haven't talked in weeks.  Today he's asking about business and about my part and how it is going.  I want to say "this isn't working for me...this false life, this pretense, this fake making everything ok..." but the words don't come out.  I'm getting ready to take one son out.  One is sleeping.  Daughter is just a room away.  I don't want to traumatize.  I don't want to cause more pain.  I want him to learn to hear what I've said and to take steps to do what I need.  But it has never been that way.  I always have to be the doer.  The move forward person.  I am the front line.  And make no mistake...he will leave me there to be the one who gets shot down.  And, he'll join me if it's successful.  Talking about how it he's glad we did that....aaaaarrrrggggghhhh.
But, the pretense buys something.  Not for me.  But for the household.  Money is easier than it will be, that I do know.  And, the kids don't have to carry  the burden of going back and forth.  I get that.  But, this morning, I felt as if I was going to spontaneously combust.  "Would you like coffee dear?"  "Stop!!!!! It's not ok.  Pretending to be nice doesn't make it all good again.  It doesn't change the hurts or the pain.  And it certainly doesn't honor the time I've asked for to heal."  It crushes me.  Shuts me down.  Makes me hurt more.  Because he simply won't hear me.  He will only do what he thinks is good or what he thinks is right.  Always true to his own pride.  His own self.  To him, love is doing what makes someone feel obligated to love you.  Not sure how to explain it better than that.  It doesn't have to do with the other.  It has to do with how he views himself.  I'm tired of being part of his equation.  His looking successful.  Because it's a LIE.
But the words tumble in my brain.  Looking for the kindest, best way to say them.  He will twist them.  He will make me feel guilty.  But, I don't have to.  I have to live my life actively not simply responsively.
grace to you.