http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page3.htm
This link has a lot of good....but really deep and kinda painful....stuff.
I read it. It cuts me to the heart. I don't think that I could ever look at him and say "you are an abuser." And yet....it all fits. Has for years. Took me so long to get it. I remember when I first felt nutso. When I realized that I never knew which direction things would go. NOW I get it. NOW I see it in retrospect. THEN, I was just so...confused. Hurt. But then he'd be nicer and I'd think that it was me....on and on and on and on. Flash forward TWENTY years. Seriously???Am I slow or what?
I have asked for a divorce before. I have been aware for a long time that something was way off...but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Would have been easier if he'd have decked me. Then I could point to my black eye and look at him and say "get out"....you hurt me and that is wrong. And he couldn't rationalize it away.
As it is, it's like trying to pick up dry sand in a sieve. You just can't hold onto it. I think I get it and then....it's like the merry go round speeds up or changes and I can't figure it out. Some people live on a roller coaster. And, sometimes it's like that. But moreso, it's like round and round and round. I used to tell him it was like a rut in a road and we aren't getting out of it. But he didn't want out of it. Now I get it. The rut helped him to get what he wanted.
Is it wrong to be so cheerful thinking about having him gone? It brightens my mood and lightens my load.
It's just a feeling. And it's a true feeling.
grace to you.
This link has a lot of good....but really deep and kinda painful....stuff.
I read it. It cuts me to the heart. I don't think that I could ever look at him and say "you are an abuser." And yet....it all fits. Has for years. Took me so long to get it. I remember when I first felt nutso. When I realized that I never knew which direction things would go. NOW I get it. NOW I see it in retrospect. THEN, I was just so...confused. Hurt. But then he'd be nicer and I'd think that it was me....on and on and on and on. Flash forward TWENTY years. Seriously???Am I slow or what?
I have asked for a divorce before. I have been aware for a long time that something was way off...but I just couldn't put my finger on it. Would have been easier if he'd have decked me. Then I could point to my black eye and look at him and say "get out"....you hurt me and that is wrong. And he couldn't rationalize it away.
As it is, it's like trying to pick up dry sand in a sieve. You just can't hold onto it. I think I get it and then....it's like the merry go round speeds up or changes and I can't figure it out. Some people live on a roller coaster. And, sometimes it's like that. But moreso, it's like round and round and round. I used to tell him it was like a rut in a road and we aren't getting out of it. But he didn't want out of it. Now I get it. The rut helped him to get what he wanted.
Is it wrong to be so cheerful thinking about having him gone? It brightens my mood and lightens my load.
It's just a feeling. And it's a true feeling.
grace to you.
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