Magnify. Minimalize. Compete. Fair. Those are words that I was thinking of today when I was trying to work through the person that is my husband.
Magnify. If he does something, he desires, expects, demands recognition, thank yous, kudos, appreciation. He makes it a big deal. And.....when he does stuff at home, it is with the attitude of "look what I've done for you." Or, "look what I've done that you SHOULD have done." And...."look how I do it so much better." This has been an issue since our earliest days. From before children. Always trying to show me up. Does (or at least used to) more things so that he not only looks good, but looks better......than me.
Minimalize. However, if anyone else does anything, it's not as noteworthy. It's to be expected. It wasn't done well enough. It wasn't what he would have done.d If you save money from your birthday money and spend some money, he will simply make you feel badly for spending any on yourself. Hurts me regarding our children. Again...he can always do it better. He always works harder. He doesn't understand why they don't get it.....this was when our kids were elementary schoolers and I had to tell him that it took him to be in his thirties to understand the things he was expecting. He said they should learn from him telling them.
Compete. All of life is a competition. He appears very engaged and active with our kids to onlookers. Upon closer inspection, most of what he does with them is compete. I mean, who should get so much satisfaction at beating kids at games? And, one night, after a concert, he told them they could have dairy queen...then put the disclaimer that they could only have it if they beat him at a game on the way home. They predicted and counted cars. They lost. No dairy queen. They asked me yesterday if I would take them because they never got it. When our son was four and learning to play checkers, he would beat him over and over and didn't understand why he didn't want to play anymore. I had to show him how to turn the board around when it got "lopsided"....he didn't like the idea that our son wasn't learning to lose. He likes to WIN. All of the time. Everything is a competition or a battle.
His world of fair is if he has the most or as much as anyone else. That he was put first. That he was made important. Can't stand to have others have more. Food. Drink. Whatever. It truly makes me feel like I'm dealing with a preschooler. If I get someone in the family some clothes, he has to comment what he doesn't have. It's always about him. And fair is only if he feels superior.
But, I've been thinking about "abuse"....it's still hard for me to label his bizarre behavior as abusive. Nonetheless, I am willing to be done no matter what it's called. Because it is not healthy or fulfilling nor an abundant life. And it never changes.
Life is not a contest. It's a journey. A trip. And it takes all kinds of encouragers and coaches to get through. But not many critics. I'm tired of living with the critic.
grace to you.
Magnify. If he does something, he desires, expects, demands recognition, thank yous, kudos, appreciation. He makes it a big deal. And.....when he does stuff at home, it is with the attitude of "look what I've done for you." Or, "look what I've done that you SHOULD have done." And...."look how I do it so much better." This has been an issue since our earliest days. From before children. Always trying to show me up. Does (or at least used to) more things so that he not only looks good, but looks better......than me.
Minimalize. However, if anyone else does anything, it's not as noteworthy. It's to be expected. It wasn't done well enough. It wasn't what he would have done.d If you save money from your birthday money and spend some money, he will simply make you feel badly for spending any on yourself. Hurts me regarding our children. Again...he can always do it better. He always works harder. He doesn't understand why they don't get it.....this was when our kids were elementary schoolers and I had to tell him that it took him to be in his thirties to understand the things he was expecting. He said they should learn from him telling them.
Compete. All of life is a competition. He appears very engaged and active with our kids to onlookers. Upon closer inspection, most of what he does with them is compete. I mean, who should get so much satisfaction at beating kids at games? And, one night, after a concert, he told them they could have dairy queen...then put the disclaimer that they could only have it if they beat him at a game on the way home. They predicted and counted cars. They lost. No dairy queen. They asked me yesterday if I would take them because they never got it. When our son was four and learning to play checkers, he would beat him over and over and didn't understand why he didn't want to play anymore. I had to show him how to turn the board around when it got "lopsided"....he didn't like the idea that our son wasn't learning to lose. He likes to WIN. All of the time. Everything is a competition or a battle.
His world of fair is if he has the most or as much as anyone else. That he was put first. That he was made important. Can't stand to have others have more. Food. Drink. Whatever. It truly makes me feel like I'm dealing with a preschooler. If I get someone in the family some clothes, he has to comment what he doesn't have. It's always about him. And fair is only if he feels superior.
But, I've been thinking about "abuse"....it's still hard for me to label his bizarre behavior as abusive. Nonetheless, I am willing to be done no matter what it's called. Because it is not healthy or fulfilling nor an abundant life. And it never changes.
Life is not a contest. It's a journey. A trip. And it takes all kinds of encouragers and coaches to get through. But not many critics. I'm tired of living with the critic.
grace to you.
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