That Which I Must

There is that which I must do in my life which I just don't have the strength or energy to do.  I feel like someone who has been in a horrible car crash and everyone is saying, "quick, you have to get yourself to a hospital."  I have paperwork to fill out with nobody sitting by for me to bounce ideas off of. I have words that I have to say to someone who doesn't hear me anyway.  And nobody but me will be the one to have to say it.  I have wounds that need attention and the only way it feels like I'm going to get any help is to walk myself the distance to the hospital.  And crying about it doesn't help.  Well, maybe a little bit.  I am pathetic today.  I feel all alone and like I have used up the time and kindness of others.  I mean, really.....you can only be pathetic for so long.  They have their own lives.  Own hurts.  Own glories.  And it is sssoooo hard for me to get out the words when I am really hurting.  I can sit quietly and soak up the comfort.  But, I can't just spill it most of the time.  If I'm just mad, maybe.  But right now I am so wounded.  And when I told him that, he threw it back in my face.  That I was wounding him.  Which, I agree....I am.  But I can't keep doing this.  I need him out.  But I can't force him out until I file.  I don't get paid until the end of the month.  It's all so absolutely insane.  I wish that there was a way to say what I need and actually get it.  But it hasn't been true in twenty years, and it's not true now.  I can't even get him to quit with the dear calling....though I tell him over and over how it cuts me.  It's a power struggle.  I don't want the next years of my children's lives to simply be a power struggle.
And what I don't say to anyone.....I think I'll just file for divorce.  I'm not going to jump through hoops and go through the drama twice.  I'm done.  I know it.  I can't even rest in my home when he's NOT here.  Because I know he's coming back.  So, I get very few times of rest.  And I am undone.  I am weary.  And I can't keep mooching off of friends for sanity.  They're nice, but bottom line...it's not their problem.  And they have their own.  So, here I am.  Weeping alone.  Hardly able to see the stupid screen.  Knowing I have to get kids.  Have to get my crap together.  The weekend is here.  And I am stuck.  And I'm too embarrassed to go anywhere else this weekend.
I hurt.  And I got no family to run to. Well...my kids....but no grown up family.  I love my kids.  I manage to uncurl and stand up every day because I adore them.  But I need a life that is free from so much stress.  Eating lousy.  Tired.  It's days like this that I think, "mom, why did you have to go?"
grace to you.