Well, working my way through the book, "Should I Stay or Should I Go", by Lundy Bancroft. It's such a moment of relief and of mourning to read the chapter about the abuser. It's the first book that doesn't deal with mostly physical abuse and then add emotional abuse as an almost afterthought. It deals with the mind and workings of a person who abuses.
I am beginning to see how I got where I am today. How my needs are put aside. That there is never enough money if I want something, but he always is able to choose what he wants to do. I'm seeing how he views "right and wrong". I am learning. And it's a lot to carry....and at the same time, very freeing.
I am not keeping the book at home to read per the advice of the counselor. She felt that it could be dangerous. That it might set him off. I need to read more to figure out how to deal with the pending paperwork. It says that if you identify your spouse as the abusive type then you should follow certain steps...I haven't gotten that far in the book yet because I'm reading it at someone else's house. Which is ok. A little at a time is enough. It's a lot to think on. Pray on. Mull over.
The whole sex part in the book is fascinating to me. The idea that I shouldn't have to feel constantly guilty or as if I have to do anything he wants. That I shouldn't be forced or convinced to do things that I'm uncomfortable with or that hurt me. I still hurt from some things that happened. There are times that I shake just thinking about those moments. Walked in my room the other day and pictured the bed different places. Bad memories. And I tried so very hard. I was desperate to be a good wife. I wanted to make a happy life for our family. But I can't say that I have been happy for a very long time. I can't say that it was even on his radar to think that I should be. And I convinced myself that it was part of the christian lifestyle of serving and putting others above myself. But, this is not it.
He is an abuser. Not a wife beater. Not a child molester. But nevertheless, he has harmed me much. He has hurt me with words and attitudes. He has caused me to question who I am and what I am worth. He has hurt more than helped. He scoffed at my dreams. He didn't help me to promote my business though it was in his power to do so. And I covered for him. Perpetuating his lies.
But he looks so good all around. Sings in the choir. Teaches Sunday School.
But still there's this part of me that thinks.....maybe I am just not good enough for him to care about. And it hurts.
But then I remember my friends. And I'm not perfect with them. But they are so nice to me. They let me struggle. They actually hear me. They listen and interact. They don't expect things from me if they give me their time or attention. And my friends are my barometer of what healthy can look like. You can say yes OR no. You can give AND take. You can say when something hurts you. You can forgive. You can mess up. They can mess up. You can laugh. You can be confused. You can be ignorant. You just know that they'll be there. It's such a blessing. A huge blessing. A gift. And I've never had that in my marriage. But I know this.....I offered it. I tried to make it so. I remember when he told me that it would be good if I just talked to my girlfriends about stuff that he didn't like to rehash....like things that were bothering me or that I was wondering about the kids and such. And I remember how sex was always expected if he acted nicely towards me. And I remember that any affection was the precursor. No affection just to be kind.
Yep, it's all coming together. And it doesn't make it all better, because frankly, the whole thing sucks. BUT, it does allow me to choose a new life. A real life. Based on genuine relationships. I kinda wonder how it will look. I wonder if I'll end up aloneish in the world when my kids are grown. Don't have siblings. Whatever it is, this I am certain....being alone or on my own is better than living in this mess. I'm not particularly afraid. It will all work out. I've never been left. I've always been carried. The One who made me has never left me. Though.....I must admit, this last year, I've been a little terrified that this would cause Him to turn His back on me.
Abuser. Hard word to say. But that is what the behaviors merit. I won't throw it at him. I will just know it. And choose something new.
grace to you.
I am beginning to see how I got where I am today. How my needs are put aside. That there is never enough money if I want something, but he always is able to choose what he wants to do. I'm seeing how he views "right and wrong". I am learning. And it's a lot to carry....and at the same time, very freeing.
I am not keeping the book at home to read per the advice of the counselor. She felt that it could be dangerous. That it might set him off. I need to read more to figure out how to deal with the pending paperwork. It says that if you identify your spouse as the abusive type then you should follow certain steps...I haven't gotten that far in the book yet because I'm reading it at someone else's house. Which is ok. A little at a time is enough. It's a lot to think on. Pray on. Mull over.
The whole sex part in the book is fascinating to me. The idea that I shouldn't have to feel constantly guilty or as if I have to do anything he wants. That I shouldn't be forced or convinced to do things that I'm uncomfortable with or that hurt me. I still hurt from some things that happened. There are times that I shake just thinking about those moments. Walked in my room the other day and pictured the bed different places. Bad memories. And I tried so very hard. I was desperate to be a good wife. I wanted to make a happy life for our family. But I can't say that I have been happy for a very long time. I can't say that it was even on his radar to think that I should be. And I convinced myself that it was part of the christian lifestyle of serving and putting others above myself. But, this is not it.
He is an abuser. Not a wife beater. Not a child molester. But nevertheless, he has harmed me much. He has hurt me with words and attitudes. He has caused me to question who I am and what I am worth. He has hurt more than helped. He scoffed at my dreams. He didn't help me to promote my business though it was in his power to do so. And I covered for him. Perpetuating his lies.
But he looks so good all around. Sings in the choir. Teaches Sunday School.
But still there's this part of me that thinks.....maybe I am just not good enough for him to care about. And it hurts.
But then I remember my friends. And I'm not perfect with them. But they are so nice to me. They let me struggle. They actually hear me. They listen and interact. They don't expect things from me if they give me their time or attention. And my friends are my barometer of what healthy can look like. You can say yes OR no. You can give AND take. You can say when something hurts you. You can forgive. You can mess up. They can mess up. You can laugh. You can be confused. You can be ignorant. You just know that they'll be there. It's such a blessing. A huge blessing. A gift. And I've never had that in my marriage. But I know this.....I offered it. I tried to make it so. I remember when he told me that it would be good if I just talked to my girlfriends about stuff that he didn't like to rehash....like things that were bothering me or that I was wondering about the kids and such. And I remember how sex was always expected if he acted nicely towards me. And I remember that any affection was the precursor. No affection just to be kind.
Yep, it's all coming together. And it doesn't make it all better, because frankly, the whole thing sucks. BUT, it does allow me to choose a new life. A real life. Based on genuine relationships. I kinda wonder how it will look. I wonder if I'll end up aloneish in the world when my kids are grown. Don't have siblings. Whatever it is, this I am certain....being alone or on my own is better than living in this mess. I'm not particularly afraid. It will all work out. I've never been left. I've always been carried. The One who made me has never left me. Though.....I must admit, this last year, I've been a little terrified that this would cause Him to turn His back on me.
Abuser. Hard word to say. But that is what the behaviors merit. I won't throw it at him. I will just know it. And choose something new.
grace to you.
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