Sometimes running away for just awhile is better than staying and becoming completely overwhelmed. So, tonight, I am having a sleepover. A different couch. Which, amazingly, I will probably sleep much better on. Not because it's more or less comfy, but because I had an evening to have my heart and mind let down just a little without having to put the guard back up. I hope to sleep. And then, I hope to be strong enough to be able to go on and not be such a taker. I know...I KNOW...it's ok. But, it's very hard because I can't predict when I'll feel better. When I'll be less pathetic. I just know that I will be. Because no matter what I may look like to those looking at me today...I am strong. I am full of courage. I am able to get back up again. It's just that sometimes I get too weary and I need a break. I need down time. Furlough for the soldier. Or the missionary. A time out of the fight. A time to let my soul just be at rest. Without worrying who will come in. Or what will be expected. Or how I will have to be amazed that he can still act like nothing has happened.
Sometimes, I just have to let others do....and I have to revel in the moments when I am strong again.
I think that I will try to sleep. It's hard to shut my brain down. The second guessing game is not healthy. I think that it is much of what is wearing on me right now. I still want to make it all ok for him. To excuse. But, not really. Really, I want to live in truth. The break from living with how it has always been to living how it should be is painful. There is grief. And joy. And shame for feeling joy. It's a crazy emotional tumble. But, it's also movement. It's not stagnant. And I don't want to go back. I want to see it through. I have to see it through.
There are those moments in the absolute silence when I wonder if anyone will be left standing with me when it's all said and done. But mostly, I just count my blessings in having fellow soldiers with me in the now. No sense worrying about tomorrow...today has kicked my butt well enough. That's what I love about life, though.....I get to keep growing. Keep learning. Some days weak. Some strong. But always beloved. I am learning that.....ALWAYS. amazing.
grace to you.
Sometimes, I just have to let others do....and I have to revel in the moments when I am strong again.
I think that I will try to sleep. It's hard to shut my brain down. The second guessing game is not healthy. I think that it is much of what is wearing on me right now. I still want to make it all ok for him. To excuse. But, not really. Really, I want to live in truth. The break from living with how it has always been to living how it should be is painful. There is grief. And joy. And shame for feeling joy. It's a crazy emotional tumble. But, it's also movement. It's not stagnant. And I don't want to go back. I want to see it through. I have to see it through.
There are those moments in the absolute silence when I wonder if anyone will be left standing with me when it's all said and done. But mostly, I just count my blessings in having fellow soldiers with me in the now. No sense worrying about tomorrow...today has kicked my butt well enough. That's what I love about life, though.....I get to keep growing. Keep learning. Some days weak. Some strong. But always beloved. I am learning that.....ALWAYS. amazing.
grace to you.
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