Everybody's Fine

I keep looking at the abuse stuff.  Feels like what has been done to me shouldn't be classified that way.  I always want everyone to be fine.  I want to see the good side.  I want things to be ok.  I want....but what I want isn't always true.  And acting isn't my forte.  It harms my heart.  It makes me feel.......ill.  Because I know to the depth of my bones what is true.  And though I know how it gets "classified", I just WANT for everything to be fine.  I want for all to be well.  But to make it well for real, I have to take some steps.  And I KNOW that...and yet, it's hard.  I don't like hurting him.  That's how it has always been.  For years.  Covering.  Helping.  Encouraging.  Making it better.  Because that is who I like being.  But, a time for change has come.  And he has to make it without using me as his scapegoat.  Without me being the one to blame.  Because everybody isn't fine.  I am NOT fine.  Life like this takes a toll.  It hurts.  I want to enjoy my days.  I want to treasure, not dread the time.
And I count.  I have discounted how I feel...how I function...what I need....who I am....for far too long.  It's hard to change it.  I used to say it.  Used to fight for it.  Until it became hopeless.  Then, eventually, I didn't even think that I deserved it anymore.  The road back is hard.  He lays guilt on me.  Tells me I'm selfish.  But the truth is that he has spent years being all about him.  He is still all about him.  He's committed alright: to his own pride.
Here's to getting healthy.  Getting better.  Healing.  Breathing.  Here's to the truth.  To really being fine.  Truthfully.  Gloriously.  Abundantly.  I like the good. I want to live there.
grace to you.