Little Milestones

I made it through this evening in my house with my husband home.  Of course, he got home close to 8 and it is just past 9:30....and, I nearly had a panic attack.  And I did not stay in the same room  And I did talk pleasantly when I would walk through.  And I do have a horrible stomach ache now.  And I did feign tiredness to turn out the lights and "head toward bed".....but, I didn't run away, so that's something. 
Or maybe not. 
A marital sabbatical.  Yep, that's what I need.  Desperately.  I wish without apology.  Every time I think of it, I think, "I'm so sorry that I can't meet your needs and do what I feel like a good wife should do."  Because, I truly am.  However, there is this other much more compelling part....if I don't do this for me, then, eventually, and sooner rather than later, I won't have anything left to share with you.  Or with anyone.  Because I am slowly but surely being erased.  I am disappearing.  I allowed it.  Why??  It seemed like the right thing.  To make peace....blessed are the peacemakers?  But not if it's a lie.  Not at ALL costs.  Not if it involves giving up any sense of the dignity that God has bestowed upon me.  It took me a long time to be able to say that. 
I do want to be forgiving.  I do want to be loving.  Full of grace.  In the experience which I am living, I am not allowed to be me....so, I never really know who I am.  I just have had a ROLE to play.  What I need is a life to live.  A purpose.  God given, not person driven.  Tired of being driven.
A sabbatical.  hmmm.