Panic

I know that it should not be this way.  I know it, but I can't change it.  I am in a freefall.   He is coming home.  Tomorrow.  And....and what?  And I am not ready.  I feel vulnerable.  I feel ill.  I feel like I feel sorry for him because I so don't want him here.  I had one evening.  One.  Where for about an hour or so I forgot.  I relaxed with the kids. It feels so normal when he's gone.
Ok.  gotta get that sleep.  Somehow.  But, I feel overwhelmed.
God.  Help.  Me.