It has been a difficult new year in many ways. Some....those that actually notice....say that I have gone radio silent. They see my struggle and they see me rising...but with very little leftover energy to chat about it online or otherwise. But, I'm getting unstuck.
So, what's up?
Flash back a few weeks. It was conferences at school; a tiring, trying, emotionally draining, physically challenging time for teachers. During a 15 minute interlude when someone didn't show up, I checked my email. One from my ex appeared. Now, for some people that is normal, but we don't write much. Click. Oh, it was several paragraphs. He told me that he had decided to pay me $400 less a month and that he was nice because he had been going to begin the previous week, but decided to give me more time to plan....so it would be the next payment. Then he went on to say how he wanted to see....either to me or to someone else....our rental house that a friend resides in with her family. Crash. Bang. Pain. Shock. Dismay. I can't buy him out. He makes more than me. He doesn't want to buy me out. I have all of our children's student loan debt. I have paid all of the house costs for years. It has cost me nearly $45,000 in four years. And, I had to admit that I couldn't do it. My credit? Not so great with such high ratios of student debt? My pay? Going down sooner than I imagined. I was so.........crushed. Defeated. Depleted.
I was wrong. Because Grace had gone before me. Grace always goes before. God knew where I would be before I ever had an inkling. A little whisper of hope began to seep deep into my soul. A promise remembered of Who is taking care of me. Of Who is taking care of those I love. I changed my mind. I changed my heart. I changed my view. And I prayed differently. I prayed to be willing to change. To learn. To grow. To see clearly. My word for the year is Nike...just do it. And I grimaced at the reality that God, as every year, had given me the word to meet me where I was going to need it. I wrote my ex. I told him that he agreed to paying me until next February and that it was filed with the court. I also told him that I understood that he was ready to move on in his life and had been moving on, but that I was still raising kids and hadn't thought that I needed to think about such things for another year or so. I then told him that though I was shocked and troubled that I would begin to work out how it could all look and that I would figure out how to help him go forward as well.
Flash forward just a few days. After finally realizing that this wasn't just a message from my ex...i.e...a message from hell....I began to pursue truth. I began to seek answers. I tried to call my friend to meet and tell her. I texted to see if she had time. It just wasn't meshing. Finally we met for coffee and I told her, not knowing if my ex already had. He hadn't. She didn't really react. Well, she did, but she closed me out from that. She was hurt. She was scared. She seemed.....angry. I knew she was upset, but I couldn't fix it. I couldn't make it better. I was hurting so much. My ex is going on his life...looking to beginning a new family. I had just spent the last week hearing from my kids how their dad likes the new kids so much and is so good with them. I was raw. Vulnerable. We could have hurt together, but my having to tell her made me the bad guy. There's no going back from that. It sucks.
But, there's always going forward. There's always getting unstuck. As I kept praying, I realized that I was being catapulted into change. I am cozy in my life. I have friends. Life is pretty damn comfortable and happy. Leave it to God to use the ex to plummet me back to.......faith walking. Desperate faith walking. Deep faith walking. The kind that cries out, "I have no ideas, what is the path?" And late one night..also known as very early one morning...He awoke me with that whisper. That nearly audible voice that awakens and grabs your attention out of deep sleep like no other. "It's time to sell YOUR house." Gulp.
The next day, I looked up my house..it's worth a lot, but I worried about the fixer upper stage. My realtor friend assured me that now is the time to sell a fixer upper. It is a hot market in our area.
I began clearing out. Cleaning out. Sorting out. I had been pushed to do so since the beginning of the year, but now it is different. Now, I'm getting ready for something. I don't really know what it will look like. I thought about moving foreign. But, too hard to get my kids to me or me to them. Maybe eventually a year or two.....
But, I have kind of settled on moving to the ocean. Getting a teaching job. Moving somewhere where I can afford a home and a rental. Or a duplex. A vacation rental. I think that would be good. Very good. So, looking. Praying. Cleaning out 25 years of memories plus the memories of my grandparents and mom. It has been really hard. Hard, but somehow deeply satisfying to let go. Getting unstuck. Seeing some of the holding on for what it is....just being kind of stuck in a place and in an emotional state. I want to be healed of that. I want to truly live this second part of life.
So, on I go. Sadly. Limping a little as I realize that my best friend maybe will never see the pain or understand that it is great...huge even. The hardest part of all for me in life is when I don't feel seen. That is from the whole marriage thing. :) Guess this will be a learning curve as well. I have to let God reach her and take care of her and show her what He's up to there. I want to make it all better. I want to fix it. I want to take the brunt of it. But, the truth is, I didn't nothing wrong. I just can't put out the money to buy the house outright. It's not a character flaw...as my heart would have me believe......it's just........true.
Through it all, I have found the amazing, overflowing grace covering, enveloping, swirling around me. I am here. I am seen. I am not lost. There's a plan. There's hope. It's scary. But, somehow, it's also exciting. Off I go to face more of it all.
blessings to all.
So, what's up?
Flash back a few weeks. It was conferences at school; a tiring, trying, emotionally draining, physically challenging time for teachers. During a 15 minute interlude when someone didn't show up, I checked my email. One from my ex appeared. Now, for some people that is normal, but we don't write much. Click. Oh, it was several paragraphs. He told me that he had decided to pay me $400 less a month and that he was nice because he had been going to begin the previous week, but decided to give me more time to plan....so it would be the next payment. Then he went on to say how he wanted to see....either to me or to someone else....our rental house that a friend resides in with her family. Crash. Bang. Pain. Shock. Dismay. I can't buy him out. He makes more than me. He doesn't want to buy me out. I have all of our children's student loan debt. I have paid all of the house costs for years. It has cost me nearly $45,000 in four years. And, I had to admit that I couldn't do it. My credit? Not so great with such high ratios of student debt? My pay? Going down sooner than I imagined. I was so.........crushed. Defeated. Depleted.
I was wrong. Because Grace had gone before me. Grace always goes before. God knew where I would be before I ever had an inkling. A little whisper of hope began to seep deep into my soul. A promise remembered of Who is taking care of me. Of Who is taking care of those I love. I changed my mind. I changed my heart. I changed my view. And I prayed differently. I prayed to be willing to change. To learn. To grow. To see clearly. My word for the year is Nike...just do it. And I grimaced at the reality that God, as every year, had given me the word to meet me where I was going to need it. I wrote my ex. I told him that he agreed to paying me until next February and that it was filed with the court. I also told him that I understood that he was ready to move on in his life and had been moving on, but that I was still raising kids and hadn't thought that I needed to think about such things for another year or so. I then told him that though I was shocked and troubled that I would begin to work out how it could all look and that I would figure out how to help him go forward as well.
Flash forward just a few days. After finally realizing that this wasn't just a message from my ex...i.e...a message from hell....I began to pursue truth. I began to seek answers. I tried to call my friend to meet and tell her. I texted to see if she had time. It just wasn't meshing. Finally we met for coffee and I told her, not knowing if my ex already had. He hadn't. She didn't really react. Well, she did, but she closed me out from that. She was hurt. She was scared. She seemed.....angry. I knew she was upset, but I couldn't fix it. I couldn't make it better. I was hurting so much. My ex is going on his life...looking to beginning a new family. I had just spent the last week hearing from my kids how their dad likes the new kids so much and is so good with them. I was raw. Vulnerable. We could have hurt together, but my having to tell her made me the bad guy. There's no going back from that. It sucks.
But, there's always going forward. There's always getting unstuck. As I kept praying, I realized that I was being catapulted into change. I am cozy in my life. I have friends. Life is pretty damn comfortable and happy. Leave it to God to use the ex to plummet me back to.......faith walking. Desperate faith walking. Deep faith walking. The kind that cries out, "I have no ideas, what is the path?" And late one night..also known as very early one morning...He awoke me with that whisper. That nearly audible voice that awakens and grabs your attention out of deep sleep like no other. "It's time to sell YOUR house." Gulp.
The next day, I looked up my house..it's worth a lot, but I worried about the fixer upper stage. My realtor friend assured me that now is the time to sell a fixer upper. It is a hot market in our area.
I began clearing out. Cleaning out. Sorting out. I had been pushed to do so since the beginning of the year, but now it is different. Now, I'm getting ready for something. I don't really know what it will look like. I thought about moving foreign. But, too hard to get my kids to me or me to them. Maybe eventually a year or two.....
But, I have kind of settled on moving to the ocean. Getting a teaching job. Moving somewhere where I can afford a home and a rental. Or a duplex. A vacation rental. I think that would be good. Very good. So, looking. Praying. Cleaning out 25 years of memories plus the memories of my grandparents and mom. It has been really hard. Hard, but somehow deeply satisfying to let go. Getting unstuck. Seeing some of the holding on for what it is....just being kind of stuck in a place and in an emotional state. I want to be healed of that. I want to truly live this second part of life.
So, on I go. Sadly. Limping a little as I realize that my best friend maybe will never see the pain or understand that it is great...huge even. The hardest part of all for me in life is when I don't feel seen. That is from the whole marriage thing. :) Guess this will be a learning curve as well. I have to let God reach her and take care of her and show her what He's up to there. I want to make it all better. I want to fix it. I want to take the brunt of it. But, the truth is, I didn't nothing wrong. I just can't put out the money to buy the house outright. It's not a character flaw...as my heart would have me believe......it's just........true.
Through it all, I have found the amazing, overflowing grace covering, enveloping, swirling around me. I am here. I am seen. I am not lost. There's a plan. There's hope. It's scary. But, somehow, it's also exciting. Off I go to face more of it all.
blessings to all.
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