Years don't trudge. They run. They skip. Shockingly fast. Moving my body from young, firm and full of youthful exuberance to older, grayer, softer and.... kinder. Getting older has blunted the sharp words and toned the soul as the body has softened. Mostly, everything seems like a lesson. A chance to grow. There's very little fear as I have survived so much. Labor. Death. Divorce. Parenting. Working. Buying homes. Moving 1200 miles away from all that I love and care for.
My ex husband remarried. He's happy with the woman he dated right before we meet. Crushed? Yes. Humiliated? Yes. Wounded? Yes. However...... Not down. Alive. Growing. Changing. Accepting myself for myself. And others... For themselves. Including him. Foibles,unkindnesses and all. Because at the end of it all, we're all just people, striving to do what we can to get through this life. Wading through the uncertainties as well as we can. Yes, even those who hurt us most.
But I've also learned that I am under no obligation to subject myself to continual unkindnesses. I have found that God did not require me to stay, to be abused in order to love. I walked away from my marriage years ago and spent a lot of time beating myself up. A failure. It turns out, I did fail, but I did not lose favor. God not only has stayed, but he has grown to be so much more.
Years of not going to church. Of feeling like an outsider. Of being hurt by the only real family I thought that I had... Church family. They didn't know. They did their best. But now, I'm doing my best too. And whole I try to be back to that place where it feels safe and good to be spiritually vulnerable again, I find that it's harder than I imagined. I was more destroyed by the response of God's people to my divorce than I was by the divorce itself. And all of these years later, I shake when I try to face it all again. Walking into churches is a trigger for me. I was broken by those I had thought loved me unconditionally.
But I believe. I have faith. I trust. I pray. I commune with others. A broken soul. Being used. It's so strange. Being real am going not part of the system has opened my heart to exactly hope far I am from being godly and has given me compassion. It has changed me from one on the inside looking out to one who stands outside with those who need to be inside. I picture myself as one who holds the door. Welcoming all in to be loved. All.
Time went by. The life I had before ended. I had to trust that I would be reborn to live this new life that was prepared for me. Trust bigger than I ever had before. And I did.
And here I am, living at the ocean. Teaching outdoors. Teaching how children learn and not trying to force them into forms and standards. Here I am with a view of the Pacific. An Aussie puppy that I always wanted. Friends that may be far away but that are closer than most people ever have. Here I am.
Time went by and I'm still here. And that is the biggest most wonderful and crazily surprising thing of all. Still in the land of the living. Still walking the hard walk. Still squeezing it joy from every life experience. Especially from the painful ones.
Blessings.
My ex husband remarried. He's happy with the woman he dated right before we meet. Crushed? Yes. Humiliated? Yes. Wounded? Yes. However...... Not down. Alive. Growing. Changing. Accepting myself for myself. And others... For themselves. Including him. Foibles,unkindnesses and all. Because at the end of it all, we're all just people, striving to do what we can to get through this life. Wading through the uncertainties as well as we can. Yes, even those who hurt us most.
But I've also learned that I am under no obligation to subject myself to continual unkindnesses. I have found that God did not require me to stay, to be abused in order to love. I walked away from my marriage years ago and spent a lot of time beating myself up. A failure. It turns out, I did fail, but I did not lose favor. God not only has stayed, but he has grown to be so much more.
Years of not going to church. Of feeling like an outsider. Of being hurt by the only real family I thought that I had... Church family. They didn't know. They did their best. But now, I'm doing my best too. And whole I try to be back to that place where it feels safe and good to be spiritually vulnerable again, I find that it's harder than I imagined. I was more destroyed by the response of God's people to my divorce than I was by the divorce itself. And all of these years later, I shake when I try to face it all again. Walking into churches is a trigger for me. I was broken by those I had thought loved me unconditionally.
But I believe. I have faith. I trust. I pray. I commune with others. A broken soul. Being used. It's so strange. Being real am going not part of the system has opened my heart to exactly hope far I am from being godly and has given me compassion. It has changed me from one on the inside looking out to one who stands outside with those who need to be inside. I picture myself as one who holds the door. Welcoming all in to be loved. All.
Time went by. The life I had before ended. I had to trust that I would be reborn to live this new life that was prepared for me. Trust bigger than I ever had before. And I did.
And here I am, living at the ocean. Teaching outdoors. Teaching how children learn and not trying to force them into forms and standards. Here I am with a view of the Pacific. An Aussie puppy that I always wanted. Friends that may be far away but that are closer than most people ever have. Here I am.
Time went by and I'm still here. And that is the biggest most wonderful and crazily surprising thing of all. Still in the land of the living. Still walking the hard walk. Still squeezing it joy from every life experience. Especially from the painful ones.
Blessings.
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