Time Went By

Years don't trudge. They run. They skip. Shockingly fast. Moving my body from young, firm and full of youthful exuberance to older, grayer, softer and.... kinder. Getting older has blunted the sharp words and toned the soul as the body has softened. Mostly, everything seems like a lesson. A chance to grow. There's very little fear as I have survived so much. Labor. Death. Divorce. Parenting. Working. Buying homes. Moving 1200 miles away from all that I love and care for.
My ex husband remarried. He's happy with the woman he dated right before we meet. Crushed? Yes. Humiliated? Yes. Wounded? Yes. However...... Not down. Alive. Growing. Changing. Accepting myself for myself. And others... For themselves. Including him. Foibles,unkindnesses and all. Because at the end of it all, we're all just people, striving to do what we can to get through this life. Wading through the uncertainties as well as we can. Yes, even those who hurt us most.
But I've also learned that I am under no obligation to subject myself to continual unkindnesses. I have found that God did not require me to stay, to be abused in order to love. I walked away from my marriage years ago and spent a lot of time beating myself up. A failure. It turns out, I did fail, but I did not lose favor. God not only has stayed, but he has grown to be so much more.
Years of not going to church. Of feeling like an outsider. Of being hurt by the only real family I thought that I had... Church family. They didn't know. They did their best. But now, I'm doing my best too. And whole I try to be back to that place where it feels safe and good to be spiritually vulnerable again, I find that it's harder than I imagined. I was more destroyed by the response of God's people to my divorce than I was by the divorce itself. And all of these years later, I shake when I try to face it all again. Walking into churches is a trigger for me. I was broken by those I had thought loved me unconditionally.
But I believe. I have faith. I trust. I pray. I commune with others. A broken soul. Being used. It's so strange. Being real am going not part of the system has opened my heart to exactly hope far I am from being godly and has given me compassion. It has changed me from one on the inside looking out to one who stands outside with those who need to be inside. I picture myself as one who holds the door. Welcoming all in to be loved. All.
Time went by.  The life I had before ended. I had to trust that I would be reborn to live this new life that was prepared for me. Trust bigger than I ever had before. And I did.
And here I am, living at the ocean. Teaching outdoors. Teaching how children learn and not trying to force them into forms and standards. Here I am with a view of the Pacific. An Aussie puppy that I always wanted. Friends that may be far away but that are closer than most people ever have. Here I am.
Time went by and I'm still here. And that is the biggest most wonderful and crazily surprising thing of all. Still in the land of the living. Still walking the hard walk. Still squeezing it joy from every life experience. Especially from the painful ones.
Blessings.

Desires of My Heart

I am learning so very much.


The desires of my heart are not something I can contrive nor force.  They are as much a part of me as my blue eyes or average height.  They are as deeply ingrained as the pigment in my skin.  As unique as the beat of my heart.  There lives no other person on earth with the same combination of skills, gifts, foibles, fears, hopes, or purpose.  Just me.  I was made to be me in my time to affect the places that I inhabit.

But, somewhere, I got a bit offtrack.  I thought that there were a lot of supposed to's. I thought that God judged me by how often I......fill in the blank.  But, through these last years, He has become a daily companion.  The friend from my youth returned.  The champion of my soul.  The believer in who I am and the encourager of my dreams.  And I have wept.  And laughed.  And danced.  And trembled.  How delightful.  How truly terrifying.  For, if there are absolutely no impossibilities with Him, then what have I been doing all of these years?  Why do I tiptoe so often?  Why do I find myself trying to fit in?  To be like?  Accepted?
I already am.
He does.
And let me tell you, I'm strange.  Very strange.  And yet.....I'm valuable.
I make people feel safe.  I give kudos and encouragement and building up.  I am forthright.  I love deeply.  I give my whole heart.  I am vulnerable.  I am willing to give at great cost.  I am sensitive.  And........I'm a huge pain in the ass.  I interrupt when I'm excited about what someone is sharing.  I am a messy eater.  I despise when people I love are being taken advantage of......even by other people that I love.  I am not tidy.
But, I am.  I am alive.  I am alive and healthy.  I am alive and healthy and full of dreams.
Absolutely full of dreams.
Silly dreams.
Really.
I want to make a difference with kids.  Imagine, I want to teach in a way where kids get to play and learn and explore.  I want to guide and lead.  Not......shovel information.  I want to give them confidence.  Build them up.  Demand a lot from them and see them soar.
I want to travel.  See new people.  Slow down and enjoy this big world the great God of ours made.
I want to walk beaches regularly.
I want to find my creative side.  I dream of writing, but that is a thing that makes me tremble..."oh the arrogance to think that anyone would read what I have to say....".
I want to learn to rest.  Truly rest and quit running in life. That is maybe the biggest thing right now.  I am tired of constantly trying to get too much done in too short of a time.  Just writing this caused me to feel the total heaviness of that load.  I need to do something different so that I can take care of me...or somehow do this differently.
Somehow.  I'm really not sure how.  I don't know what this life is going to look like.  But, I plan on selling my home.  I love my home.  It's not an easy choice.  But, selling it allows me to be debt free.  I will pay off everything.  I will live within my means.  I will learn how to really live and not exist from one expectation to the next.
Terrified.  Hopeful.  Foolish.  Wise.  It's all  mixed up together.  I long to be wise without being held captive to the expectations of cultural norms.  I long to be hopeful while not being a fool.  I long to be courageous but not foolhardy.  I long to step off of the precipice and find that the Lord of all heaven and earth catches me and flies me to what He has had waiting for me all along.  I can't mess up.  I know this.  No matter where I go or what I do, His hand guides.  He knows me.  He gets me.  He knew how long it would take for me to heal and finally get to this point of being willing to risk absolutely everything to walk more fully in the person that He created me to be.  
He knows.  That's enough.  Nothing else matters.
I am safe.
Not comfortable.  Not complacent.  Not able on my own. Not sure.  Not able to see ahead.
Yet.
Safe.
I am totally safe.
And the desires of my heart were put there to guide me.  To lead me to where I need to be and to the lives He needs me to touch.  It's delightful to think that He has a purpose for me still.  A mission.  A ministry.  And it isn't a bunch of religious mumbo jumbo but rather a real and living relationship to share.  A testimony of what wholeness can come from complete brokenness.  From looking up.  From falling face down.  From being humbled but not humiliated.  From.......being allowed to have as much time as I need to heal.  He doesn't rush me.  I love that.  That is a testimony all of it's own.
A testimony to the amazing God who holds even me together.
Funny how He can use the desires of my heart to bring glory to Him.
May there be much glory given to Him
blessings.

Inside Out...freeing up space

All good clearing begins from the inside out.

I have spent a lot of years putting things in bins, labeling bins, stacking bins in closets, moving bins.  Much of the stuff that went into the bins went without much thought.  It went with the "I have to get this out of the way attitude."  Much the same in my emotional life.  My personal life.  My relationship life.

I put away the things that hurt.  I put away the things that were too difficult to face.  I put away the mess.  And I closed the door to the closet and walked away to live my life.  I've done a good job.  I am truly happy.  But now, I am happy enough to empty the closets, open the bins, hold each thing in my hand and let go of what needs to go.

Stuff?  Yes, I have touched a lot of stuff these last weeks.  Eighteen boxes from my bedroom alone have been taken to the Goodwill.  But during this process, it has allowed me to touch the relational things too.  It has allowed me to hold the feelings, hurts, hopes and disappointments in my hands, turn them over and look at them and say goodbye or see you later to the ones that need to take a deep breath and love deeply.  It has allowed me time to process the huge change of life that is upcoming with my kids moving on.

From the inside.  Inside the closets, inside the bins.  Inside my heart, inside my mind.

And the clearing is freeing.  I breathe better.  I struggle some.  It's a process that I"m pretty much alone in.  But that's ok.  I'm not lonely in it.  Sometimes the processing is difficult.  Taking responsibility.  Giving up responsibility where it isn't mine to hold.  Separating.  Without shame.  No attachment or calling it bad or wrong.  Just simply examining, being aware of how it makes me feel and asking why.  When I figure out each why, I know what to do with the thing....or the relationship.

I have allowed myself to be treated poorly often.  To be taken for granted.  To be overlooked.  To be used.  And that is ok to do by choice.  But it is not ok for it to be the assumption of people.  Not ok.  And that isn't on me.  With some people, I couldn't ever do enough, be enough, give enough.......well, they liked the giving, but apparently didn't like me....just the benefits of me.  And looking at that was especially freeing.  To not be angry, not be frustrated nor bitter.  Simply, to acknowledge the truth, see my part in it and then......just release it all.  So easy sounding.  So hard.  So beautiful.

Inside out.  My insides are being cleared out just as my closets and home are.  Space is being freed up for what is truly important.  And that is good.  Very good.

Ever so often, shame creeps up while my mess sits around awaiting the sorting.  But then I remember......it's not a competition.  I don't need to be impressive.  I can take as long as I need to.  As long as I need.  Nobody else's timeline.
Joy wells up.  Peace continues to grow.
Thanks be to God for His kindness to me.  Truly.  Not some churchy thing, but genuine heart filling thanks.  FILLING.  Completely.  Satisfying.
Ha,  Who knew that as I emptied I would be filled?
blessings.

Shedding

I find myself in a place of being renewed.  These last years have been healthy enough, but a little cocooned.  I have taken care, prayed, learned and just trusted that in time things would come together.  But it turns out that coming together looks an awful lot like coming apart.
Moving forward means everything changes.  If I want to move on, move forward, get out of this rut of where I am stuck in who I am based on who I was when I was in a bad marriage......the whole thing of how I am perceived and treated.....then I need to get off my butt and be willing to push out of the shell.  I need to face the fact that everything is changing and I can either tremble or revel.  I can plan for it and wait expectantly for exactly how it all pans out, or I can try to run from the impossible.  Most days, I'm ready.  It's time.

But, ready for what?
To move.  But what does that look like?  Do I just want to go somewhere else and re-invent my life here?  Or, do I want to seek a deeper change?  A deeper change means much more risk.  It is scary.  What if I blow this?  If I sell my house and move and blow it........I have little recourse.  But, if I don't move on, I will move on in life but never get to the things I hope for.  Terrifying for my introverted self to face so much new coming.  The heart racing, pain behind the eyes troubled feeling........but only occasionally.  Most of the time, there is an expectancy.
I could go to the coast and buy a house, buy a rental, get a teaching job.
I could go to the coast and buy a house, get a teaching job and spend every summer renting out my house while I travel.  I could keep some money to invest in a rental property in another place that strikes my fancy.  I could throw it all off and take off a year to decide.  My very own gap year.  A year to travel and think and pray.  A year to see what I want to be, who I want to be and where I want to be.
I am working on a wait and see while having a watchful preparing stance.....it's a huge balance.  To do any of it, I have to sell my house.  That hurts my heart.  But, in order to survive after next year, I'll have to do that anyway.  Pay off those student loans.  This house will have done what I hoped.......helped my kids.  And, it will help to launch me into my grown up life on my own.  It's so much like the days of going off to college.  So many options.  So many questions.  So much excitement.  So much fear.  But all mixed into a ball of "isn't this going to be a grand adventure?"  When my hands get clammy and my breathing rate increases, I just slow down and give my heart and mind time to feel what actually is going on.  I just........give myself the grace I give others.  It will work out.  It will.  It always does.  It's time to move forward.  It's time.  I sense it.  I know it.  It has been confirmed by others.  But some days that is too hard. So, instead of living in that, I just keep embracing the now and the place I am now.  Loving and enjoying.  Making plans here.  It's good.  It will all be fine. :)
I am shedding old ideas, old pains, old hopes, old wounds.  I am pushing out of the cocoon, but my wings are still trembling and wet.  That's ok.  There's no rush.  It's not a contest.  It will all happen in it's time.
blessings.

Amazing, Overflowing.........Grace

It has been a difficult new year in many ways.  Some....those that actually notice....say that I have gone radio silent.  They see my struggle and they see me rising...but with very little leftover energy to chat about it online or otherwise.  But, I'm getting unstuck.
So, what's up?
Flash back a few weeks.  It was conferences at school; a tiring, trying, emotionally draining, physically challenging time for teachers.  During a 15 minute interlude when someone didn't show up, I checked my email.  One from my ex appeared.  Now, for some people that is normal, but we don't write much.  Click.  Oh, it was several paragraphs.  He told me that he had decided to pay me $400 less a month and that he was nice because he had been going to begin the previous week, but decided to give me more time to plan....so it would be the next payment.  Then he went on to say how he wanted to see....either to me or to someone else....our rental house that a friend resides in with her family.  Crash.  Bang.  Pain.  Shock.  Dismay.  I can't buy him out.  He makes more than me.  He doesn't want to buy me out.  I have all of our children's student loan debt.  I have paid all of the house costs for years.  It has cost me nearly $45,000 in four years.  And, I had to admit that I couldn't do it.  My credit?  Not so great with such high ratios of student debt?  My pay?  Going down sooner than I imagined.  I was so.........crushed.  Defeated.  Depleted.
I was wrong.  Because Grace had gone before me.  Grace always goes before.  God knew where I would be before I ever had an inkling.  A little whisper of hope began to seep deep into my soul.  A promise remembered of Who is taking care of me.  Of Who is taking care of those I love.  I changed my mind.  I changed my heart.  I changed my view.  And I prayed differently.  I prayed to be willing to change.  To learn.  To grow.  To see clearly.  My word for the year is Nike...just do it.  And I grimaced at the reality that God, as every year, had given me the word to meet me where I was going to need it.  I wrote my ex.  I told him that he agreed to paying me until next February and that it was filed with the court.  I also told him that I understood that he was ready to move on in his life and had been moving on, but that I was still raising kids and hadn't thought that I needed to think about such things for another year or so.  I then told him that though I was shocked and troubled that I would begin to work out how it could all look and that I would figure out how to help him go forward as well.
Flash forward just a few days.  After finally realizing that this wasn't just a message from my ex...i.e...a message from hell....I began to pursue truth.  I began to seek answers.  I tried to call my friend to meet and tell her.  I texted to see if she had time.  It just wasn't meshing.  Finally we met for coffee and I told her, not knowing if my ex already had.  He hadn't.  She didn't really react.  Well, she did, but she closed me out from that.  She was hurt.  She was scared.  She seemed.....angry.  I knew she was upset, but I couldn't fix it.  I couldn't make it better.  I was hurting so much.  My ex is going on his life...looking to beginning a new family.  I had just spent the last week hearing from my kids how their dad likes the new kids so much and is so good with them.  I was raw. Vulnerable.  We could have hurt together, but my having to tell her made me the bad guy.  There's no going back from that.  It sucks.
But, there's always going forward.  There's always getting unstuck.  As I kept praying, I realized that I was being catapulted into change.  I am cozy in my life.  I have friends.  Life is pretty damn comfortable and happy.  Leave it to God to use the ex to plummet me back to.......faith walking.   Desperate faith walking.  Deep faith walking.  The kind that cries out, "I have no ideas, what is the path?"  And late one night..also known as very early one morning...He awoke me with that whisper.  That nearly audible voice that awakens and grabs your attention out of deep sleep like no other.  "It's time to sell YOUR house."  Gulp.
The next day, I looked up my house..it's worth a lot, but I worried about the fixer upper stage.  My realtor friend assured me that now is the time to sell a fixer upper.  It is a hot market in our area.
I began clearing out.  Cleaning out.  Sorting out.  I had been pushed to do so since the beginning of the year, but now it is different.  Now, I'm getting ready for something.  I don't really know what it will look like.  I thought about moving foreign.  But, too hard to get my kids to me or me to them.  Maybe eventually a year or two.....
But, I have kind of settled on moving to the ocean.  Getting a teaching job.  Moving somewhere where I can afford a home and a rental.  Or a duplex.  A vacation rental.  I think that would be good.  Very good.  So, looking.  Praying.  Cleaning out 25 years of memories plus the memories of my grandparents and mom.  It has been really hard.  Hard, but somehow deeply satisfying to let go.  Getting unstuck.  Seeing some of the holding on for what it is....just being kind of stuck in a place and in an emotional state.  I want to be healed of that.  I want to truly live this second part of life.
So, on I go.  Sadly.  Limping a little as I realize that my best friend maybe will never see the pain or understand that it is great...huge even.  The hardest part of all for me in life is when I don't feel seen.  That is from the whole marriage thing. :)  Guess this will be a learning curve as well.  I have to let God reach her and take care of her and show her what He's up to there.  I want to make it all better.  I want to fix it.  I want to take the brunt of it.  But, the truth is, I didn't nothing wrong.  I just can't put out the money to buy the house outright.  It's not a character flaw...as my heart would have me believe......it's just........true.
Through it all, I have found the amazing, overflowing grace covering, enveloping, swirling around me.  I am here.  I am seen.  I am not lost.  There's a plan.  There's hope.  It's scary.  But, somehow, it's also exciting.  Off I go to face more of it all.
blessings to all.

Planes and Airports

I love airports.  Planes?  Not so much.  They have lost their splendor in the move to be cost efficient.  However, I love to go places.  What is beautiful now is that I also look forward to coming home.  It wasn't that way for many years.  Too many to count. So many "lost" years. So many years of shame.  So many years of pain.  So many years of working so hard to please someone who found this person that I am inadequate, disappointing.  And now?  Now, I don't give a damn what he thinks.  My soul is free to love and give and enjoy.  My heart is at rest.
And here I am. I'm taking a trip.  I'm risking and being brave.  It is difficult after so many years of living all folded up.  Hard to stretch out my legs and arms and not panic.  The fetal position of protection becomes familiar and safe.  Anxiety ensues with impending change.  But I embrace the anxious thoughts.  Because I don't have to be in control or understand or get it.  God has me.  He made me.  He is leading.  He is cheering.  He loves me.  Me.  Just like I am.  And I marvel at that knowledge.
I get to meet a friend.  He provided that too.  Someone to help me learn to reach and try again.  To dream again.  So I will meet my friend when I arrive and we will enjoy the exhilaration of the moments together.

Blessings dear ones.  Find your wings.  Find who you were made to be.  Don't stay all rolled in a ball like a pill bug.  Stretch out.  Expose your vulnerable self.  And.......jump.  Life ends all too quickly.  Don't miss whatever it is that you are supposed to be or do.

Nike

Just do it.  That's my theme for the year.  Get moving in every way.  Go.  Move.  Change.  Clean out.  Clean up.  Give up misery and take up joy.  Choose each day.  I love my life.  It is delightful.  I plan to travel.  I plan to simplify.  I plan to be open to new ideas and thinking.  I plan to offer myself to God as His vehicle to send His love.  I plan.........but I don't know what any of it looks like.  All I know is that each and every day there are going to be decisions.  Choices.  Not just of mind, but of action.  Do it.  Start now.
I'm getting much older.  It's time.  Past time.  And I am beginning today.  Simplifying in my own room.  More simple.  Less.  Things I love.  Rid of the rest. Starting today.  Now.  This moment.  All day, I have filled bags.  Touched things and thought about what I felt when I did so.  And I am getting rid of the things that don't belong anymore.
So Nike it is.  Just do it.  It's time to get moving in so many way.

Life in the After

I have been divorced for a few years now.  I have figured out much.  I have done more than survive.  I have failed miserably monetarily and yet God has been kind.  I have faltered and stumbled and struggled.  Life has been messy and complicated and the day after day learning has been tiring.  And.  I love the AND.  Invigorating. Totally invigorating.  Learning to lean into those things that hurt, not trying to fix them nor manipulate it in any way.
And today is a holiday.  One of the big ones.
Today, I got a call inviting me to Thanksgiving since "we hadn't realized that you would be alone but you could come over."  This call came when dinner was due to go on the table very soon.  And it wasn't hurtful.  I was thankful for the call.  But, I was also able to decline.  The call reminded me of several years ago when the same person called me shortly before Thanksgiving to explain that they were going to invite their "real" family so that everyone could work through some things and that they were sure that I would understand why we wouldn't be invited.  It was painful as my family wound up just us at the table and having to fill in the things that others would have been making.The kids didn't understand.   I tried to act ok.  But, obviously it has left a mark. A wound.  And the wound is ok.  It's healed.  Sore in certain circumstances, but unable to take away my dignity in the now. A battle scar.That is a gift. I am thankful.  I know that the wound was deep because not having "real" family around is a constant void.  It's a fact of my life.  Those who are "blood" related are distant acquaintances.  Those that are not have those who are "real".
But, on this day, Thanksgiving 2015, I realize that I'm completely ok. Completely.  Even while struggling.  Even when nobody is in my corner.  Even if it's rare to hear from others.  Even if I may be an after thought often.  Even if I'm not "real" to some.  Somehow, I'm just.........happy.  With what is.  Not what might be.  Not what could have been.  What is.  The mixed up, crazy, financially stressful, hectic, house falling apart reality of what is.  I can live and be at peace.  No need to be in control.  No need to figure it out.
Life in the after has brought peace.  No lonely in the alone.  It has taught me to be proactive...and when I can't, rest.  Novel.  Truly novel.
Thankful.  More than ever.  With less.  Less friends.  Less money.  Less kids at home.  Less.  So thankful.  Here in this life in the after.
I am not an afterthought.  I was planned.  There is a plan.  And even I in all of my messiness cannot screw that up.
blessings.

Pay off the Bitch Party

I had a friend say that his friend was going to throw him a party in half a year.  He will have met his obligation in paying his ex.  Apparently the party has a given name in male circles.  It....crushed me. It hurt.  Here I am troubled by the fact that I have debt from my kids' college, that I pay to keep up our rental house mortgage payments, that I pay for all of their needs and he feeds them a couple of meals a month......maybe.  I pay for all of their needs.  And their wants.  And he will get to quit paying.  Legally.
Got me thinking about perspective.  My friend is different than my ex.  He will still go halves on his kids' time and financial needs.  He will just stop paying alimony.  But the idea hit me hard that all of the time I put into marriage and raising kids and took away from my career was pretty easily brushed off.
So, in the midst of trying to stay afloat currently I also have to look down the road a year and a half.  I have no clue how that will work.  But, I will just trust that somehow it will.  God is good that way.
But, I wonder when the hurt will go away.  Ever? Maybe not.
The wound was deep.  When it gets poked it hurts.

New life

i'm living a new life.
it's not an easy life.
but it is a life moving towards
more simple things
less stress.
less.
telling people what i need
even my ex
which is hard for me
very
and my son
who has been paying his rent
with school loans that i have to pay
interest on
it's hard for me to say
i can't do it all
i need some things
i've made mistakes
i've lived for three years
in a mode that was necessary
but this new life
is exciting
a life of
simple
of cutting back
but never being stingy
of being careful
but learning not to worry
ever
and that's hard
too
but necessary
to give god credit
to genuinely trust
and not think that
i earn his favor
ever
jesus did that
i could not
ever
it was
bestowed
totally undeservedly
and my head bows
in humbleness
not humiliation
in gratitude
in joy of living
in the absolute
knowing
that it's never too late
to live a better life
never
and i began
on so many fronts
and i get up every day
and do it again
and again
and somehow
i find that more
difficulties
keep washing over me
pushing down
and i come up gasping again
but in the breath  is delight
knowing that these trials
are nothing
in comparison to the
greatness of
our god
and i find that calm place
that place where spirit
meets flesh
and i demand to live
in the spirit
to change
to grow
to believe
to hope
heart weary
broke as broke can be
problems growing like weeds
but happy
for in him
there is
new life
new.
life.
two words
of hope.

blessings, dear ones.