I find myself in a place of being renewed. These last years have been healthy enough, but a little cocooned. I have taken care, prayed, learned and just trusted that in time things would come together. But it turns out that coming together looks an awful lot like coming apart.
Moving forward means everything changes. If I want to move on, move forward, get out of this rut of where I am stuck in who I am based on who I was when I was in a bad marriage......the whole thing of how I am perceived and treated.....then I need to get off my butt and be willing to push out of the shell. I need to face the fact that everything is changing and I can either tremble or revel. I can plan for it and wait expectantly for exactly how it all pans out, or I can try to run from the impossible. Most days, I'm ready. It's time.
But, ready for what?
To move. But what does that look like? Do I just want to go somewhere else and re-invent my life here? Or, do I want to seek a deeper change? A deeper change means much more risk. It is scary. What if I blow this? If I sell my house and move and blow it........I have little recourse. But, if I don't move on, I will move on in life but never get to the things I hope for. Terrifying for my introverted self to face so much new coming. The heart racing, pain behind the eyes troubled feeling........but only occasionally. Most of the time, there is an expectancy.
I could go to the coast and buy a house, buy a rental, get a teaching job.
I could go to the coast and buy a house, get a teaching job and spend every summer renting out my house while I travel. I could keep some money to invest in a rental property in another place that strikes my fancy. I could throw it all off and take off a year to decide. My very own gap year. A year to travel and think and pray. A year to see what I want to be, who I want to be and where I want to be.
I am working on a wait and see while having a watchful preparing stance.....it's a huge balance. To do any of it, I have to sell my house. That hurts my heart. But, in order to survive after next year, I'll have to do that anyway. Pay off those student loans. This house will have done what I hoped.......helped my kids. And, it will help to launch me into my grown up life on my own. It's so much like the days of going off to college. So many options. So many questions. So much excitement. So much fear. But all mixed into a ball of "isn't this going to be a grand adventure?" When my hands get clammy and my breathing rate increases, I just slow down and give my heart and mind time to feel what actually is going on. I just........give myself the grace I give others. It will work out. It will. It always does. It's time to move forward. It's time. I sense it. I know it. It has been confirmed by others. But some days that is too hard. So, instead of living in that, I just keep embracing the now and the place I am now. Loving and enjoying. Making plans here. It's good. It will all be fine. :)
I am shedding old ideas, old pains, old hopes, old wounds. I am pushing out of the cocoon, but my wings are still trembling and wet. That's ok. There's no rush. It's not a contest. It will all happen in it's time.
blessings.
Moving forward means everything changes. If I want to move on, move forward, get out of this rut of where I am stuck in who I am based on who I was when I was in a bad marriage......the whole thing of how I am perceived and treated.....then I need to get off my butt and be willing to push out of the shell. I need to face the fact that everything is changing and I can either tremble or revel. I can plan for it and wait expectantly for exactly how it all pans out, or I can try to run from the impossible. Most days, I'm ready. It's time.
But, ready for what?
To move. But what does that look like? Do I just want to go somewhere else and re-invent my life here? Or, do I want to seek a deeper change? A deeper change means much more risk. It is scary. What if I blow this? If I sell my house and move and blow it........I have little recourse. But, if I don't move on, I will move on in life but never get to the things I hope for. Terrifying for my introverted self to face so much new coming. The heart racing, pain behind the eyes troubled feeling........but only occasionally. Most of the time, there is an expectancy.
I could go to the coast and buy a house, buy a rental, get a teaching job.
I could go to the coast and buy a house, get a teaching job and spend every summer renting out my house while I travel. I could keep some money to invest in a rental property in another place that strikes my fancy. I could throw it all off and take off a year to decide. My very own gap year. A year to travel and think and pray. A year to see what I want to be, who I want to be and where I want to be.
I am working on a wait and see while having a watchful preparing stance.....it's a huge balance. To do any of it, I have to sell my house. That hurts my heart. But, in order to survive after next year, I'll have to do that anyway. Pay off those student loans. This house will have done what I hoped.......helped my kids. And, it will help to launch me into my grown up life on my own. It's so much like the days of going off to college. So many options. So many questions. So much excitement. So much fear. But all mixed into a ball of "isn't this going to be a grand adventure?" When my hands get clammy and my breathing rate increases, I just slow down and give my heart and mind time to feel what actually is going on. I just........give myself the grace I give others. It will work out. It will. It always does. It's time to move forward. It's time. I sense it. I know it. It has been confirmed by others. But some days that is too hard. So, instead of living in that, I just keep embracing the now and the place I am now. Loving and enjoying. Making plans here. It's good. It will all be fine. :)
I am shedding old ideas, old pains, old hopes, old wounds. I am pushing out of the cocoon, but my wings are still trembling and wet. That's ok. There's no rush. It's not a contest. It will all happen in it's time.
blessings.
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