Soaked down in the tub the other day. Way down. And it's a super deep tub. Like hiding. Like shutting out the world. I was on a trip and now I'm home. But I never get to really feel like I'm at home. It's so hard. And I laid there in the hot water and thought, "five more years." My daughter graduates in five years. And I cried. Then I thought five months. And I still cried. And five weeks. At five days I finally felt the huge weight lift a bit. I am so done. I'm fried. i'm hurt and used and he simply acts like everything is fine.
Last night, out of the blue, he asked me if I want to go to a cabin of some person who is in this men's group that he goes to....of which he has never told me what it is.....sometime this month. I was floored. Astonished. I sleep on the floor of the living room. I tremble and get teary when I have to be home at the same time. I can barely cope. And, I mean, really? Seriously? But, I said politely that I didn't think that would work out and then I asked why he would have offered it to us. He said that they were planning on all of the couples going but that didn't work out so he thought we could go. Hmmm. And so, I spent yet another night shaking. Trying to sleep. Knowing I had to work. And crying. He so lives in a different world. Like somehow I can be manipulated back. I can't. I wish I could. I sometimes wish I could just fake it and make it all better for everyone else. And, that is why I am still where I am. Because of everyone else. Not because of me. Because of kids. Because of him. Because of friends.
I have slowly backed away from my church. Because when this comes, I don't want it to pull people apart. To feel like they have to side up or anything. He can have it. I will be ok. I think. If I survive this part.
Being back is such a good thing in that I love my job and like my garden and enjoy the idea of my home....I just never really get to enjoy it because I a constantly tense. Constantly stressed. I sleep but my heart does not get the rest it needs. And there is no release because I have been striving to be more positive. One reason I haven't written on my blog so much. And trying not to say a word to anyone. So, I cry alone. Wow. A whole life lived and I cry alone. That's pathetic.
I will not spend the rest of my life living with someone who treats me as he does. Who doesn't acknowledge it. Who thinks I should forgive and move on....and round and round it goes. I can't do one more round. It's slowly depleting me.
God is good. I know He loves both of us. I know He sees both of our faults. I wish that I was the better wife.
But, really, when his mom was here, he let her say in front of my kids that I don't care for my family. Nope. I'm done.
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