Obtuse

If it be told how little my husband notices me, it will be in this.  For the first time today he realized that I rarely attend church, that I have no Sunday School class.  He wanted me to tell him where to go to Sunday School because he won't be teaching the youth over the summer.  And, I said that I didn't know.  That he would have to choose.  So, he wasn't going to go.  But, I drove by and he did.  I had thought that maybe I would sneak in and enjoy the worship time in peace, but that just is really stressful.
I am no good at the whole how are you small talk thing.  I need to find something different.  I need the worship time.  I need to hear dialogue of christians.  Not necessarily a sermon, but input of what other people are getting from the Word.  But, I want to keep my kids happy.  Secure.  I really wish that he would go somewhere else, but in reality, he has much more of a "following" at our current church.  So, I know that it makes more sense this way.  I miss sitting in the pew with my kids.  Desperately.  I miss hearing my one son sing.  My heart aches.  Deeply.  Yet even with the ache I can't shake the fear of going.  I cn't simply walk in.  It became a troubled place a long time ago.  It used to be the place of truth.  Of safety.  Now, it has changed because so much has happened.
I wonder how big of a failure I am.  Like whether I can possibly survive.  Spiritually, I am aware that God still loves and cares and works all things together for good.  Yet, emotionally, I am spent.  It's like a never ending horror.  I try to be at peace with how it is.  To simply be patient.  To see what is right and good.  To see how I can live in the best way possible.  But at every turn it's as if in order to keep a life together, I have to disappear.  Dying to self for God is ok, but for a man?  For someone who barely notices me?  Wow.  Not so sure.  Should I be groveling to him as I used to do?  I don't think that I possibly can do so and live.  It's easy to look at all that charm and wonder, "what am I thinking?  What am I doing?"  But as sure as that happens, there is always the moment of , "oh, that's why."
So, here I sit, watching the time carefully, knowing that he often shows up at home between services.  I won't be here.  I will go to the grocery store and the hardware store.
Strangely, today someone posted that they wanted someone to try a new church with them.  I am interested.  But hesitant.  Don't want to make more waves.  More troubles.
This whole sleeping on the floor thing is a little wearing as well.  It's not really a big deal.  It's just that my body gets a wee bit sore.  We have hardwood floors.  I sleep on an area rug covered part, but still, it's pretty firm.  Good for my migraines.  Bad for the bones.  Price of getting older?
I am still reeling that he doesn't even see me.  It's so weird.  Why does he want me when he really doesn't?  Simply because he can't stand failure or losing.
And that cabin idea?  I still shake.  How can he possibly think that it would be comfortable going on a weekend with other couples?  How can he think that I would survive?  I just think he is looking for any way to get me back into the performing rut.  And, I just can't.  I do feel sorry for him.  He acts wounded and deprived.  Acts shocked that I wouldn't want to go.  Hurt that I am not a part of a Sunday School class that he can join for the summer.  Still wants me to fix things.  Can't.