fancy nancy and me

Today, I dressed up as Fancy Nancy for school.  This is the only picture I have...not perfect because it doesn't show the whole thing, but it shows me something amazing.  Fearless.  Learning to really live.  Moving forward. I am finding out how to be.  Not be something.  Just be.  I am finding out how to be here.  Even if it sometimes feels still that I'm not visible...that nobody gets how hard life was.  It really doesn't matter.  I lived through.  And now I have to live.  Really live.  Alive.  Full of life.  Able to do.  Able to give.  Able to rest.  Able to believe.  Able to pray.  Able to make it through.  Dressing up seems like a weird thing to remind me of having a fearless heart, but frankly, I spent so long blending in that it was a huge deal to be so flamboyant.  Everyone noticed.  Everyone took note of my costume. It was huge.  I was fearless.  I smiled.  I pranced.  I danced.  I acted silly.  I laughed.  I played.  I lived.  Fearlessly.  Today.  And really, that's all I can ask to do.  Each day at a time.  As they come.  Actually, each little moment.  Each opportunity.  Yes, I could have blended in.  But why?  Perhaps some days I am meant to shine.  Really shine.  Without holding back.  Without fearing how it will feel.  Just living.  Free.  Fearless.

blessings.

precipice

sometimes in my now, i forget that health precipice that is close by.  i forget to be careful.  i forget those things that i need to do.  not being under as much stress means that my body does immensely better.  however, there is still that residual fragility.  i know to work hard to stay healthy.  but, i forgot how easily i can fall over the edge into pain.  nobody has ever really known how much pain i can live in.  i function.  i go.  i interact.  but, finally in my life, i give myself permission to feel what i feel and how i feel and not worry about everyone else.  that's a good feeling.  very good.  i have not been doing too well the last ten days or so.  but, just giving myself time and taking it easy in the nights when the pain is the worst has helped.  i don't have to worry about the ex anymore.  he had trouble with it when i was in pain.  couldn't or wouldn't comfort and simply didn't care unless it affected him.  so, now i don't have that stress.  even when i hurt, i can relax and let it take it's course and not have to be on top of things for anybody.  but that doesn't mean that pain doesn't hurt.  but it's just for a time.  i will be ok.  and it does interest me that even in this it makes me just so glad not to be married to him anymore.  relieved.
gotta rest.  gotta be a great teacher tomorrow.
blessings.

Choose to see it.

I choose to see those things that are simple.  I choose to see those things that are full of beauty.  I choose to see.  In the every day.  The beauty.  I see the fact that each little, seemingly mundane thing is a gift.  A treasure.  Nourishment for the eye and soul.  And therein I find God's peace
blessings.

Sittin' here thinkin'....

I love my zoo photos. They make me smile.  Maybe it's just because they are a memory of a day off of work and school for the kids and I.  A play hooky day.  I don't know...but I knew that I needed this guy's picture as soon as I saw him.  He seemed so deep in thought.  Maybe he reminds me of my introverted self.  Takes a bit of thought and warmth to get me moving.  I just don't go scampering around too easily. So, in my life, it's easy to spend way too much time just thinkin' when maybe I should/could be doin' something instead.  But, in the words of the most famous Popeye, "I yam what I yam."

Playing

Having fun with my photos that I took. Enjoying simply having them to play with.  I am pretty easily amused.  It's fun to see photos before they are taken.  I like it.  Really want a great camera.  Perhaps next year!  For no, I am amazed at how well my little phone camera does.  I am thankful.
I like to "play".  To find pleasure in doing new things.  I like being able to savor moments these days.  Without feeling the stress I used to constantly live under.  It's so happy giving to be able to live and smile and trust and simply enjoy each and every little thing that comes along.  God has blessed me abundantly.  I am full of thankfulness.  Blessed.  Cared for. Loved.  Amazing.
blessings.

FEARLESS

fearless.

in the workplace.

fearless.

in my home.

fearless.

in friendships.

fearless.

in the snow.

fearless.

in the church.

fearless.

in money matters.

fearless.

in parenting.

fearless.

in faith.

fearless.

in decision making.

fearless.

in responsibility.

fearless.

in hope.

fearless.

in joy.

fearless.

in failing.

fearless.

in giving.

fearless.

in loving.

fearless.

in wishing.

fearless.

in moving forward.

fearless.

in living.

really living.

not existing.

not anymore.

because god has made me

fearless.

even when i'm afraid.

blessings to you.

I Rocked this Day

I rocked this day.  I didn't waste it.  I used every bit of it.  I awoke to a crying puppy at 430 am.  She went potty and went right back to sleep until 7 am.  I slept until 610...when my alarm went off because my phone didn't seem to know that it is President's Day.  I went back to sleep until 7 am...when again, I got up with puppy.  Got ready and took car for maintenance stuff.  Rented a rug doctor. Went home and cleaned up dog poop, visited with neighbor, took dogs on a mile walk.  Cleaned headlights on my car with toothpaste. Went in and helped my boys prepare their room for carpet cleaning.  Began the cleaning and then taught both boys so that they could keep on it while I ran to Wally World for light fixtures for their ceiling.  Came home and finished the carpet, put up three ceiling fixtures.  On a folding chair.  ha.  My grandpa taught me a long time ago.  I love you grandpa!!!  He knew that I could "do" stuff.  Made a yummy dinner.  Ran to store for stuff in the middle.  Oh yeah, and I bought myself clearance roses when I was at Wally World.  Quite pretty.  Took the kids to their youth group meeting.  Took puppy with.  Walked puppy around yard....three times.  Cut son's hair.  Took a hot bath after putting coconut oil on my hair for an hour to moisturize...it's soooo good.  Did laundry today.
Didn't clean my room.  Just ran out of steam....night night.
blessings.

Far Better

It is far better to lose a partner over who you are, than to keep them by trying to be someone you're not.  For it's easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.
I concur.  I found myself missing and she was hard to rebuild.  It's a daily, moment by moment chore...and blessing.  I'm glad for the opportunity, but I'm sorry that it happened.

changes

Meet Rosemary.  A little bundle of cuteness and joy.  A big commitment.  It was hard for me.  We have two dogs.  One is a senior citizen.  I adore him.  The other is my daughter's chihuahua.  I am glad that my daughter has her because she is a comfort to her...but though I like her, she is unruly.
I prayed about this decision.  Though it may sound silly.  Because it's a family member and I needed that right one.  I was so used to having to fight to do something like this, that I found myself shaking when we were getting her from the shelter.  Overwhelmed.  Cold.  Scared.  It was really hard for me to say yes to my daughter.  But then, I did.  I said yes.  I decided.  I decided to go for it though it was scary and though it won't be comfortable.  I decided because I needed to be able to say yes to something that has been on my daughter's heart for a long time.  A puppy.  Not a dog.  I love my DOG, by the way.  And, I realized this week that getting a puppy while I have the old man around to help train the newbie would be a good thing.  True dat.  She follows him outside.  Takes care of business.  Plays.  Doesn't fetch yet, obviously, but watches him do it and is fascinated.  She's a little baby.  Five pounds.    At the shelter they said that she might take time to socialize.  But she learns really fast.
My daughter and I took on the responsibility.  The boys not so much.  Not interested.  Want her...just no responsibility.  That's ok.  I knew that it was my job.  But, my oldest at home grinned when he saw her.  He said, "now our family is complete."  Sweet.
This was a big step for me.  Though I can barely explain why.  I had to overcome some emotions.  I had to get past the trauma of the past.  I had to understand that I could make a decision without defiance and hurt.  That I could decide and train and love...without any arguing or guilt or being told that I can't because I don't do anything else well enough.
But the hurdle looked huge.  I was sweating it out.  Then cold.  Then shaky.  Then....I decided.  Just simply looked at my daughter and said, "yes, you can have her."  I told her that I love her and understand how important this has been to her.  I did it.  And the hurdle shrunk.  Making next time I have to make one of these decisions easier.  Because now I know that when I actually decide, the anxiety will end.
Saying yes.  I like it.  I'm happy with it.  It's easier to say no.  But, there's such a short time left with my daughter....saying yes was totally fun.  For both of us.  And it was good for the boys too.  Thanks be to God.  Literally.
blessings.

Say It.

Say the important things.  The things that mean something. Don't hold them in.  Don't hold them back.  Tell people that you care.  Tell them how important they are.  Tell how they make you feel.  Say it.  Out loud.  With words.  Explain it.  Tell it.  Give it as a gift from your heart.  Don't assume that they know.  Don't wonder if they'll think you are silly.  Just do it.  Say it.  Because it makes a difference.  It gives power.  And hope.  It encourages.  It blesses. Bolsters.  Assures.  And though they already know...hearing it is like cement...it holds those relationship bricks together. Keeps things from being shaky.  Keeps out the cold.  Warms the heart.
These are the things that I'm reminding myself to do and say...to let them know how I feel and to say I'm sorry when I need to.  Period.  No excuses.
Giving my heart.
Outright.
Fully.
Without fear.
Fearless.
Caring.
Loving.
Love you.  Lots.  Be blessed.  You make a difference.

Best Valentine's Day Ever. Period.

This is an awesome, amazing, incredible Valentine's Day.  I'm not young and single and wishing for a Valentine.  I'm not married and realizing that it's just a stressful day. Nope, I am happy.  I am single and happy.  I am alone and not lonely.  I was content.  Gifts galore at school.  Daughter's bday out for burritoes. I am completely content.  Let's see, it's 6:30 and I'm in my pj's and thinking about going to sleep by 8.  I might not...but I love having the choice.  I love getting to do some of what I feel that I need without the guilt that was dished out.  I've been browsing dogs at the Humane Society. SSooooo cute.  And I can do it if I want without someone telling me no.  I can lounge in my jammies and talk with my daughter and laugh...lots of laughing.
Yep.  Best ever.
blessings.

bad girls

a church lady called me a bad girl tonight.  in the kindest way.  she asked me how i really am.  someone i only kind of know.  but who has been divorced for a very long time. she got that i was happy.  she got that maybe i don't want to see my ex.  she said...we need to go out for drinks.  she didn't think that my silence meant that i liked my exes presence...she actually saw.  was a little bit cool.  she made me laugh.  out loud.  she yelled back as she walked in the building, "you are a BAD girl...and i mean that in a good way!"  oh my goodness, how god always provides enough to help me get by in life.  love that.

Belly

What a marvel.  I am finding that my belly is shrinking.  It's a shock.  I don't eat less.  I'm always eating at work.  But I eat better.  And I have added essential nutrients to my life.  The oil pulling is making my gums really healthy and my teeth are getting whiter by the week...that's so cool.  My skin is getting soft and supple and the bumps and blemishes are still diminishing.  The lemon water is great and oh so cheap.  I've now added coconut oil for all kinds of essential things...like hair conditioning.  And eating on toast.  That just cracks me up.  But it is energy giving and a good kind of fat.  It also is anti fungal and helps to build the immune system.  The better I eat...the better I want to eat.  Not because of a rule, but because my body craves good stuff.  I still don't love cold things for meals...like an orange at lunch felt chilly and I wanted something warm too.  But nuts feel ok.  hahahhaha. Nuts feel ok...I wouldn't know anymore.
But back to my belly.....I'm completely amazed.  A couple of vitamins and some minor changes and voila, my body changes.
Has been the same in my life.  Amazing what a little of the right kind of change can do.  Being happy agrees with me.  Though I'm not always in a happy place.  There are still a lot of hurts.  Like my ex inviting my daughter out ON the day of her bday without asking or saying anything.  It would have been fine, it just would have been nice.  But, she declined.  Likes to go to bed early on weekday nights.  They will do it on the weekend.
And the fact that there is absolutely nobody in my life that just calls me or writes me or...reaches out.  I'm still a little shell shocked by that.  How could I have spent all of these years and be in this place?  Because all of my energy was spent on the wrong things perhaps.  I need to grow and be comfortable before people may want to spend time with me or reach out to me again.  I am figuring out how to be ok with that.  Some days it is easier than others.  Most of the time, I am just busy living...and then I remember again that there's nobody to call me or check on me or to have it be their job to know what is going on in my life.  But, here's the thing....that means that I've already lived through some of the hardest things ever.  I've lost most of the people I loved in my family from my childhood to death already...and survived.  I have lost a couple of others to apathy on their part.  And I survived.  And though there will always be painful places, I feel no burden to fill them with the wrong people or wrong things.  I just have to let it be.  And keep living out the purpose for my life.  And I do have really nice friends.  Keep trying to let them be.  Not bug.  Not be clingy. Sometimes it takes nearly more self control than I possess seeing as how I am such a relationally motivated person.  I'm getting there though.  Because I don't want to simply be a taker.  I want to listen.  I want to love.  It's just another way that I need to be more healthy.  In my body, it's vitamins and good food...in relationships, it's learning to cut back and cut slack and give but not assume.  I love my friends.  They love me.  And I need to give them space to live and be happy and not be dragged down by my life stuff...which has been pretty intense.
Yep, belly is shrinking.  Fear is shrinking.  Neediness may not be shrinking exactly, but it's getting under control.  Faith is growing.  Hope is thriving.  I'm good.
blessings.

Better

Having tried again a couple of days ago to put my experience, my feelings, my hurts...to words, has helped me.  Not because I was successful, but because I felt more successful.  I am learning to articulate my pain.  To learn that it's ok to express it.  I don't feel like there's anyone who really wants to talk about it.  I feel like mostly what I get is "it's not that bad, right?"  It is meant in the best way.  Nobody is out there plotting to hurt me.  But...still...it hurts.  And I'm allowed to feel hurt over it.  It happened last weekend.  A friend that thought that it must be ok having him at church and my being there as well.  Just because I learn to make the best of something, just because I choose joy, just because I adapt and learn to move on....that does NOT mean that it's easy.  But I sure must make it look easy.  Good for me.  I am good at living and not being the victim.  I'm good at it....but it doesn't mean that it's not painful.  It doesn't mean that I don't deserve compassion or kindness.  I'm good at it.  I'm strong.  I'm smart.  I'm able.  But still.....some moments....I just want to shout, "get a clue! this is really really hard and i am doing a damn good job leaning on god and figuring it out a little bit at a time!"
I do feel better having put things to a few words.  I feel a little bit like I'm getting my balance.  And that is good.  Because I've been kind of....obnoxious in my fearlessness.  I don't want to be, but it's as if I've been pushing off the chains and ropes that have been entangling me and some of the things that I'm pushing at shouldn't be.  Balance.  Last year's word.  Fearless.  This year's word.  Combined, they are all kinds of awesome.
blessings.

Note to Self.

little cabin in the woods

looking for a place to go at least for a bit over spring break. mountain cabin would be less of a stretch than the coast.  looking....finding.  having fun.
gonna be fun just to be off for nine days no matter what.
this day.  today.  i need to be present.  all here.  listening.  hearing.  blessing.  giving grace.
time to dream of the break later....
blessings.

from the divorced diva....not me

http://divorced-diva.blogspot.com/2012/06/how-i-know-my-heart.html

She made a list of the right kind of person for her....I'm not looking, but it made me smile.  She says that dating is like one long job interview. It worked for her.  That's pretty cool.

Words

i write a lot of words.  but i still have trouble putting into words that place in my heart that has been wounded.  crushed.  i have trouble putting to words how someone who seems so "nice" could have used me...used me up.  i can't articulate how he emptied me drop by drop.  taking for himself.  wanting for himself.  resenting anything given to anyone else...even our kids....even....me.  how he felt entitled by the fact that i "belonged" to him.  not protective.  not as a care taker.  no.  as an owner.  over me.  and yet.  somehow.  always making me decide.  always falling behind.  cowering? when i had to decide, he could...blame me if it went badly and take credit if it went well.  i was to act submissive....but not....it was all very confusing.  submissive in that if he did anything, it was supposed to be viewed as right.  even if it only had him in mind.  submissive in sex.  submissive.  less.  lower.  i remember once when a little girl we knew was under water at the pool and she couldn't swim...my little bit older than her son got under her and lifted her out of the water so that she could breathe.  but, he was not tall enough in the five foot water to also be above water.  he chose to hold her up.  and...i rescued him.  i pulled him up and we got them both to safety.  that's how i felt with my ex.  like i had to stand under the water to let him be up.  like i wasn't allowed to breathe....and should not expect to.  he didn't hit me.  yet, he beat me down.  he didn't scream profanity.  yet, he made me feel small.  never enough.  pretty enough.  neat enough.  organized enough.  frugal enough.  hardworking enough. pleasant enough.  kind enough.  encouraging enough.  spiritual enough.  i was never enough.  what i was.  how i was.  what i thought. how i thought.
my life was a constant battle.  even when i quit fighting with him. there was not peace.  no calm.  oh, there were moments.  good moments.  i liked them.  and at the same time they frightened me.  because i wondered what was coming next.  whenever i let my guard down again, the arrows would hit there mark much more assuredly.  i learned, therefore, even in the good times, to be wary.
and there he stands in church.  as he should, i suppose.  because aren't we all just simply where we are?  yet, even that wounds me.  because he makes it seem as if he chose everything right.  as if he is willing to go back to being married and that that makes him more "right".  willing to work it out.  and he, again in my life, can point at me and say how i'm not willing.  how sad it is for him that i have pushed him away.  yet. strangely.  what he doesn't say.  what others don't seem to bother to ask.  is what about those over twenty years?  why wasn't he willing then?  why did conversation after conversation end in the same way..with him guilting me.  with him crying and acting as if he were a worm...all so i would comfort him and stay with him and help him.  always about him.  always was.  they don't ask him why it took him all of the time when i was out of our room for a couple of years before he left.  nor why it was only after i filed papers and he had to move out that he began to "get help" by confiding in other men.  they don't ask why nothing changed with his family and how he allows them to treat some of his kids and i poorly..and turns away so that he can act as if he doesn't notice or understand.
my wounding is amplified by the response of christians.  that it wasn't enough to admit failure.  to have to walk into that courthouse and file those papers.  that it wasn't enough to live through having to tell him that he had to move out.  that it wasn't enough to have him tell me that i was his and that he could do as he pleased.....that nothing was enough.  that they feel obligated to be sure that i know that i am wrong.  that i am not being kind.  that i am not as good.  that they can't look at me.  or see me.  or hear me.
my wounding began with a bad marriage, but it has been continued and increased by those who side with the one who hurt me.  who work to not hurt his feelings.  to meet his needs.  to uphold him.  and leaving me on my own.  to walk.  to live.  apart.  without their support.  because i decided this horrific thing.  they have wounded me not by the fact that they haven't bought me groceries nor mowed my grass nor helped me around my house nor helped me with my kids nor given me financial help....no, it's not that they haven't done these things.....it's that nobody even bothers to ask, inquire, nor care whether i might need or appreciate them.  it's as if i am supposed to expect to be punished and to have a harder life because i chose to be apart from someone who harmed me.  and they want to be sure that i serve my full sentence.  that's what it feels like.  though i'm sure that they don't mentally process that.
i still can't get to the whole part of why or how he hurt me so much.  it has to do with how i allowed it.  how i enabled him.  how i gave him permission by not setting boundaries.  it's all coming together in my heart.  i am learning.  i am healing.
but sometimes, i wish i had the exact words so that i could concisely articulate to others the "why".
blessings.

44

forty four of my friends are my exes friend on facebook.  44.  wow.  i looked at the list and thought....oops, i need to keep my mouth shut tighter. and i probably should not have even looked.  something had clicked on my page and i went to his page and saw the number and felt obligated to look at which friends....i should know better.  at best, it just hurts my heart.  even now.  and tonight because i have stuff on my heart and nowhere to go.
i'm thinking of taking the kids out of town over spring break.  i could possibly use the away time.  i also need time in my house...trying to figure out which will be best.  i already found my affordable beach house that is way too big for us, but affords sight and sound of ocean with ping pong, tv's and pool table.  very close to beach.  near a cave and a river where seals congregate.  my heart just needs time.  i am totally healing, but trying to do it while doing everything else. some days I feel a need for time away.  time not having to do or be something.  but then, i look forward to getting things done to my house and around my home as well.  i have the house all arranged at the coast....just have to sign the papers.  guess i'll just talk to my kids and see what they think.  i'll be ok either way.  i always manage to get through.  i am fearless.
just sometimes i get tired of being knocked down.  it is disheartening to realize how really i need to NOT talk when i'm finally getting to the place that i want to speak.  killer.
my friends are beautiful.  i chose well. ;)  i'm just tired of having to tiptoe but see no way around it.

Time to Be

I have a good life.  Good friends.  Yet, I still don't really have a place to just be and be seen.  I had a difficult day for odd reasons.  Not a bad day.  A day that saddened me.  There is nowhere to take that.  Which, I have been used to, but in my growing, am now finding myself sad about.  Finding that there's nobody that seeks me out or calls me out of my shell.  I feel a sense of grief.  I gave so long to a man who didn't value me nor my thoughts nor my ...and I got used to it.  And in this healing process, it's hard to realize that that is not normal.  That it's ok to want to have people be  interested and see me and recognize my hopes and my needs.
So, I'm in a bit of a funk.  A wee bit sad.  Mostly just about the fact that he sucked up so much of my time and energy and left me with so little.  How sad is that?
And, I'm weary, but my relationships are the kind that I need to be giving...mom and all. :)
Off to figure out dinner.  And maybe how to grow past this place.  :)
blessings.

From the Inside Out

I have been changing.  Healing.  Learning.  From the inside out.  Not only emotionally, but physically.  Yesterday, I was out with my girlfriends....including the junior ones which are our daughters....and I noticed how prevalent the beauty industry is.  I know, duh!

But truly, I had never really calculated how desperate we are as a nation to achieve beauty....no wrinkles, supple skin, skinny, toned, good skin color, the perfect look.  It's no wonder that I'm coming late to the game, but what stunned me yesterday was how I've CHANGED.  From the inside out.  I've been adhering to some things that my health nut friends do.  Strangely....my teeth are whiter, my skin is oh so soft, I'm losing weight and I simply feel better.  So much better, that I forget to take Tylenol with me when I go places anymore...that's amazing since I was on an every four hours regimen for a very long time.

So many people needing to feel beautiful.  FEEL it.  Not just be it.  It's a sad place for us as women.  Not that beauty is bad, but that we have gone so far from the basic things that we are looking everywhere outside of us to make it better.  I was appalled by the price of a mascara....$138!  Not a big one either.  Everywhere I looked, everyone had on makeup just right.  Perfection, right?  But I looked closer.

Some of the women were truly beautiful.  Like the woman who helped us at the estee lauder counter.  She was beautiful.  And very little of it had to do with the beautifully coiffed hair nor the impeccable job she had done on her makeup.  She was beautiful because she was kind and understanding.  She spent time with us and wrote things down for us and told us where we could get things for a better price....and she viewed herself as an artist.  She liked her job.  She smiled.

I am learning to be healthy in so many ways.  Not because they will make me skinny nor more attractive...but because I was created in His image.  Created to shine.  Created to fly.  Can't do that if I can't get up.  Can't do it if I'm constantly embarrassed.  Or constantly worried.  Or always feeling less than enough.
I am learning to relax.  To do good things for me.  Rest my mind.  Cry when I need to.  Drink lemon water....it's amazing how quickly things change in my body with this simple change that I LIKE.  Oil swish....my teeth are whiter, my gums are healing and my skin is pushing out all of those little bumps and getting smooth and soft.  Garlic tablets...energy is good.  Quiet time.  Sleep.  Not worrying.  Praying.  Lots and lots of praying.  Putting my feet up.  But not too much...also getting up and getting out.

So many things and so many people conspire to steal real beauty.  I want to learn beauty tips like other women do...and yet, not so much as well.  I want my truest beauty to become a heart that shines, a spirit that radiates...I want the hope and joy that spill out of me to so overshadow any put on shadows, blushes, coverups, foundations....

And the inside will seep to the outside.  Genuine happiness shows.  Real smiles are beautiful.  And rare.  When I looked around while I was at the mall, I saw a lot of people playing dress up to be beautiful and only a few that had that deep beauty....that emanated from the soul.  That's the one I want.  I want to embrace what I look like, what my body is shaped like, how  I sound, and then...forget about it and go on to just letting the outer reflect the inner...both physically and spiritually.  I want not only to be beautiful...I want to feel beautiful...because women who feel beautiful change their worlds
blessings.

comes the morning.

i am a hopeful person.  i find joy and beauty everywhere i look.   it's amazing.  opening my eyes. looking.  observing.  having had the chance to sleep.  to learn once again to ward off worry.  to choose rest.  to choose peace.  all a part of being fearless.  of being hopeful.  of a life of balance.  I saw this on a friend's facebook today and wanted to share.....I am learning to be these things.  blessings my dears.
“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are, I want to know if you are willing to risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine.
It doesn’t interest me where you live or how rich you are, I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and be sweet to the ones you love. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and truly like the company you keep in the empty moments of your life.”
— Jon Blais

bone tired

i am so tired.  shaking that i'm so tired.  tonight i just needed some tlc.  good but hard day at work.  lots of expectations on me right now.  house is a wreck.  it is what it is.  i have a ton to do.  high expectations.  and there's no fairy godmother, no anyone that can make it all better.  i just have to take a breath.  i already took a hot bath, :)  get some sleep and take one thing at a time. all is well.  i'm just beyond reason tired.  too tired. and basically that is something that nobody sees.  i still have to parent.  i still have to work.  and i can't sit around and whine that sometimes i just wish that i had people around to do some of the little things...i've wished that most of my married life.  and now in the afterward.  i am good at getting things done.  at keeping on.  i think that i do it so well that some people miss that i have those moments when all i can think is, "doesn't anyone see that i need some help here?"  but, as always, it will pass.  i just soaked in the tub and reminded myself "one thing at a time, relax and know that all is well."  because it is.  this is just the feelings of a woman who gives with her whole heart.  an introvert who has spent seven hours having to speak to near strangers.  that really drains me.  i go all out.  i give a lot.  but it wears me out and i don't know how to explain it to people because i don't know how to explain my odd personality type.  to me, i'm normal enough, but i do realize that i'm different than most.  strange.  definitely not the extrovert that is fed by the interaction.  not shy.  just in need of this kind of time.  or time with just one or maybe two close people.  i am looking forward to this weekend with my daughter and friends.  i just want to relax and i know that i will to some degree...but i will also miss alone time.  as sad as that is.  some people...very few...i can be with and not feel that spent feeling...it's not work.  maybe it's because i don't have to make conversation.  quiet can be fine.  regardless of my silly quirks, i look forward to this weekend because i absolutely adore my daughter.  and she is really happy.  very happy.  now...all i have to do is pack and go to the bank and buy snacks...and work a full day.  no problem.  all will come together.  i'll unwind a little so that i can sleep...then i will sleep. and then i'll do this thing that is so very exciting for the young woman i am blessed to have as a daughter.  with a good and sweet attitude.  peacefully.  i choose that.  i can.  all is well.
blessings.

they're just not into you

If they don't call.  text.  write.  email.  stop by.  make a point to be with you when they don't want something. answer questions. take care of you when you are sick. notice when you are happy....or sad.  Well, if they don't do these things...they are just not that into you.  And it hurts.  I know it.  I'm learning it.  Sometimes I just feel stupid about it.  But the fact is that these things are true.  They are real.  And no amount of hoping makes anything different.  Another thing that brings healing is truth.  Facing it.  Living it.  Without bitterness.  Without unkindness to the ones that just aren't interested in being friends.  Letting go.  Releasing.  Even if I feel differently.

It's easier said than done.  I always think that I've got it.  And it always escapes me.  But, I care fully.  That is how I stayed in a marriage that was bad for so long.  I give my heart.  I like that about me.  So, I think that I'll just be that way even when people don't return my caring.  I am not married to them.  It doesn't really matter.  I don't lose anything.  I gain by caring.  They gain by my caring.  And learning to not be hurt or wounded by indifference is another step in healing.  Just have to keep healing.
blessings.

the non apology

This is the "apology" to get something......not to make things right.....not to take ownership.....just to get something or get out of trouble or cover up the wrong doing.  It's toxic to real relationships...but funny in comics!

from the heart

Don't I know it?  Dries up the bones.  What a great picture.  I like that.  Sums it up.  And a joyful heart beats drugs or anti depressants.  It's good medicine..no bad side effects.

Who doesn't want to have a cheerful face?  I certainly do.  Cheerful faces are a reflection of the joy inside.

I find myself just happy...purely happy...in a way that I haven't felt in years and years.  It is amazing.  God is healing me from the inside out.  It's my own little miracle that nobody else probably even appreciates.

Today was a good day.  Even in the midst of some hard realizations.  I am thankful.  Thankful is healing too.
blessings.

Pleasant

Life is pleasant.  I took a day off of work today.  Much needed quiet.  I slept.  The kind of sleep that feels like a coma...snatches of pictures, not exactly dreams...trying to wake up, not quite there and then reminding myself that I could simply sleep and not worry about having to get up and do for anyone...and then....I was out.  It was nice.
Funny how so much is pleasant when the heart is peaceful. God is good.  He is healing.  I saw a quote today:

I agree.  As I play, my body strengthens.  And when I laugh, my mind is freed from pain.  And when I walk in the joy that God has placed in me, my spirit heals.  It's no wonder that I am feeling so much happier.  Healing.  Body.  Mind.  Spirit.  

I am healing.  And in this healing, life is more pleasant. 

To make it so for others.  That is what I desire.  Words and heart of grace..yet truth.  A blessing but not a mat to walk on...may I find that balance as I learn to walk fearlessly.

blessing.

The Gift of Understanding

I had an old friend call tonight...I mean, really, she's 60.  Just turned today.  Someone that I admire.  Care about.  Respect.  Love.  And have known that she is capable and willing to love me.  Right where I am.  Ever since I was a child.  Though we had a long time apart.  Many years.  We talked long.  She had to go because it's two hours later where she lives.  We laughed so hard.  She understood when I said that I would go to events with my ex but I was afraid that I'd flip the finger.  She was not offended.  She was not judgmental.  She knows it's just blowing off steam.  Feeling ornery.  Trying to get my footing back.  Her ex cheated.  I think that he hurt her in that but even more in other ways.  And in that world that she knew, she grew compassion.  She didn't grow bitterness.  I love that.  I want to be like that.  I want to grow compassion and understanding.  I want to make others feel seen.  Understood.  She understands how awkward it is to be happy.....when church people are around....because they can only tolerate a divorce if the person is then appropriately miserable.  And...I'm not.  She notices it on my pictures.  And we joked that I should have before and after pics posted on facebook so that people could see and understand.  And she said that I should rent an airplane to pull and banner that says "my name is very, very, very, very happy...".  Ha.  Totally funny.  Laughed so hard about that silly idea.  And then that it should also say, "and she doesn't suck anymore...".  hahahhahaha The gift of being understood.  I really needed that tonight.
I don't get sought out much by anyone.  I'm the seeker, not the sought.  The inviter, not the invited.  The initiator.  Even though it is really hard for me.
So, having her call me when we had been chatting on facebook for a few minutes was a gleeful moment.  Special feeling.
Her birthday...but she gave me the gift.  It was marvelous.
I really am happy.  I hesitate to let people know how happy I am.  How relieved.  How absolutely thrilled I am not being married.  It's like letting go of an anchor when you are in the middle of the ocean.  What a relief to not be fighting that battle.
She really laughed when I told her about seeing him in choir.  I was brave.  I smiled.  And strangely, he lost his.  I should smile more.  I should be fearless more.  I should know that while most people don't understand....there are a few who don't only get what I was living through, but understand who I am.  That is a great gift.
blessings.

Getting to Decide

I had been toying with the idea of using an online service to do my taxes for several weeks.  I was afraid.  Nervous.  Overwhelmed.  Scared.  Got it?  It's not in my comfort zone.  The last time I filled out a tax return it was two sheets and I was done.  I contacted my step mom.  I ate humble pie and asked if she would do my return again this year after I had said that I would most likely do something else and let my ex stay with her.  He loves that she doesn't charge him.  Anyway, last night when I was checking my facebook, there was the turbo tax ad.  I clicked on it.  Then I signed in.  Then I decided that I could at least try it out.  It was free just to go through it.  And...after awhile, I realized that I was going to finish.  I actually had a couple of things to finish this morning because I got too tired last night.  But, I finished.  That felt good.  Really good.  Wrote my ex and told him what to write on the rental house line since I shared all expenses on it equally...though he pays nothing.  I made the deductions 50/50.
Now, I am working on how to create a savings.  Though I have debt.  I want to save again.  And give again. I gave what was in my purse today during the special offering that we have once a month to help anyone in need.  I know a lot of people who have been helped...including my family way back when I was married.  I could choose not to give since it is as if I am a non person at church.  But, it's not about them...not about me....about Him...and helping people.
It was hard to decide about taxes and how to do them.  When it came down to it, I didn't want someone who has so little interest or commitment to me feeling like she needed to do them for me because I'm family.  It felt awkward.  So, I made a different choice.  And it still scares me a little bit...but in an exciting kind of way.
Long weekend.  Fun weekend.  I am exhausted.  Gotta sleep! Blessings.

Just Keep Walking

Today I went to church. I sat where my son told me.  Then, I realized....my ex was in choir today.  He came in all smiley and all...then he saw me and I don't think he smiled again.  I had a few panic attacks.  Literally.  Shakes.  Cold.  But I chose.  Sing.  Stand.  Be FEARLESS.  A woman sat across the aisle who has had marriage struggles...she can barely look at me now, but today she did make an effort to say hello...but when she asked how I was, she felt really awkward.  I would have laughed, but that would not have been considerate.  She wasn't awkward because she asked but rather because I said that I was very well thank you.  That was not her favorite answer, I could see very well.  But, I didn't apologize..just let her wander away.  Then there was this other woman and I know her story with her husband...they almost didn't make it. They are a really nice couple.  I love what God did in their lives. Yet, she turned around and nearly ran into me...someone I've known for a long time...and she mumbled hi and then said, "pretty necklace," and walked away.  There was one precious soul who took time to talk to me.  Even asked me to pray for another.  What a gift...someone assuming that I still pray and even more...thinking that God might actually still be listening or speaking to me.  Made me feel teary.  Then, after that I stood.  All alone.  Waiting for my kids to finish.  It was long.  And nobody spoke to me.  And if I said hi as they were heading for the door...if I smiled, they ducked their heads and walked on quickly as if they were in a sudden hurry to get out to the parking lot.  And to be truthful,it hurt.  But also, at least it was real.  At least it wasn't fake.  At least they weren't talking to me and hearing that I was "fine" and not knowing anything about my life or walk.  At least I didn't have that deep alone feeling.  There I was..right there..in the middle of everything...like I was wearing the scarlet D.  Yes, painful.  And yet.....I'm so very happy still.  I came home happy.  I was with the kids and happy.  I cooked.  I did laundry.  Happy.  Real.
One person saw me.  Actually saw me.  Or, maybe she's just being nice because she's "on staff".  I don't know really.  I only know how it made me feel.  A bit less invisible. A bit like God could have a purpose for me.  Still.  Even if.  And maybe not only if I.....go back, fake it, make it work, lie to make it look good, play the game.  But that is the tradition.  Fake it.  Really, people at church don't want to know how life really is and they don't want to share how theirs is.  There is a predetermined way a "christian" marriage should look and they will be damned to have anyone alter that perception.

  Thing is...marriages aren't christian...people are christian...actions aren't christian...people are christian.  Marriages can be two christian people doing marriage in a christ like way.  Actions can be done in a Christ like way.  But the actions nor the marriage MAKE the people christians.  That is Christ in the people...the hope of glory...not by what the people do or how they look or how pretty their lives seem...but because He is real and comes to us in realness.  The greatest lie we can tell ourselves is that we need to look good.  I should know....I thought that I was doing the christian thing to do whatever it took...to make it work....to only say the nice things about him....to look good by working extra hard to take up the slack....to not show my hurt, pain or disappointment...to hide my deep need for something to comfort me...to make do.  I was wrong. 

 It wasn't good.  It wasn't healthy.  It was destructive.  It was unkind.  It was painful.  My ex is still codependent with his birth family is my guess....can't make anyone else feel important.  It goes against everything he is.  He is about him.  He is about rules that he has and they all revolve around him and his comfort.  The thing is that he can be so charming.  I sat and looked at him today...seeing as how he was right there singing in the choir...and I was so sad for him.  But so happy for me.  Even though he still hurts me.  In reality....he has hurt himself most of all.  He made choices that ended where I said that they would years ago.  That there's only so much holding on that people can do...and then something has to give.  I gave all I had.  I prayed to give more.  And more.  But all of those people avoiding looking at me in church only see my failure.  They don't see me.  They don't see how wounded I was....am...nor how I am healing.  I wish that I could change that.  I pray that God will find a way to use my crazy messed up story.
I just have to keep on walking.  Keep on going.

blessings.

Awkward moments

Today I saw someone in the store.  Someone that I've known for years.  Someone who hugs big, sings big, and is kind.  And that someone nearly bolted.  But we turned a corner right into one another at the grocery store....no graceful way out.  I went...right up to her....I hugged her well....I spoke with her and looked in her eyes...and I told her I love her when she was leaving.  She has been changed by my ex.  She has heard stories.  And that's just how it is.  But I decided to just be me and let her think whatever she wants to.  Do whatever she needs to.  I was happy.  I didn't hide it.  I was out having a wonderful day with five teens.  No way I was going to minimalize my complete and total joy.  I was having a perfectly wonderful day.  She can have her thoughts and worries and feelings....and they don't have to stress my day.  Can't say it didn't sting.  I saw the startled look.  I saw the hesitation.  She didn't hug first.  She didn't say she loves me.  But, that doesn't have to stop me from being who I am.  Who I was created to be.

Conversation with God

If I could sit down with you tonight God, with a cup of tea and some cookies, I would talk to you about Mama D.  You know her so well.  Her fears.  Her hopes.  Her loneliness as she has faced life as a widow....though she loves and trusts you, she misses her other half.  She worries.  I know that you would laugh.  You have tried for so many years to take the worry from her.  To let her see that you have everything well in control.  She is so responsible.  So much she wants to be getting done right now.  Worries that she has on her heart and mind.  And her health is not good.  Please calm her.  Sit with her tonight. Calm her mind.  Bring back clarity and joy.  Could You help her not be afraid?  Give her a dose of courage and strength to carry her through this time?  She has stayed faithful.  She loves You.  But I know that she is weary.  These last few months have been hard on her.  Give her amazing peace.  Deep.  Abiding.  Let her soak in Your love and compassion.  Be enough for her.
What's Your plan in her life?  Will you please give her a picture.  Something that spurs her on and gives her purpose.  Be with her.  Her comfort.  Her warm blanket.
We're not ready to let go of her yet.  Though I know You have welcoming arms.  Please let her stay on here longer.  She has so much that she brings to the people around her.  And You have been still working through her.

Speak strength.  And hope.  And peace.  Let them soak into her.  Give her a song.
You are enough.  You are faithful.  I love knowing You.  Bless her with the presence of You...Your Spirit.  Let her be calmed by Your presence.  Cause her pain to be diminished or at least to become a source of her knowing that she is healing.  Help her to get up.  To move.  Strengthen her body.  Pump her heart.  Give her breath.  Give her the motivation to put her mind to what she needs to do to get up and get going.
I love her.  Respect her.  Know that her family needs her still.  Let her know that too.
Thank you for sitting here with me.  For listening.  For speaking, though on paper it looks one sided, Your voice has been heard.  You are enough.  You are willing.  Thank you.  For being You.  For not only listening, but understanding.
Thank you....so much.

the world can get

the world can get overwhelming.  busy.  confusing.  unfair.  and yet, somehow, time with kids just makes it better.  their hearts, their minds, their faith.  this weekend i get to be with my teens and a friend's teens.  we sat down tonight and decided what to do this weekend.  we agreed on movies and burgers tonight and tomorrow morning we are getting up early to go get donuts and then we are going grocery shopping to do some cooking/baking together.  we think that we might even do the chocolate fountain.  i love these kids.  they brighten every day.  i hated the first movie we were watching, but i love being with them.
yes, it's true that the world is big and full of questions and troubles...but time with these kids makes me feel balanced again.  gives me hope.  it was so much fun to see all of them.
and though getting up so early tomorrow does not sound.....lovely.....doing it with them makes it worth it.  so i'm going to bed..  right after a nice hot bath.  because i have been awake for a very long time today.
blessings.