writing has not come easily lately. that's difficult since it's where i process. i have migraines during this season, so it makes it harder to write on a laptop when my head is worn out at the end of a long work day. i've been whining too much. complaining too much. i even sunk to the place of emailing my ex to ask him to pay for his portion of the many end of year costs for our two high schoolers. i have had so many high expenses that i can't even begin to explain to others. and i don't really worry about it. but this last five or six weeks, it's like they just keep rolling. incessantly. painfully. and so, when my son mentioned that his friend's mom had gotten her ex to give the kids spending money for an upcoming trip, i felt.....like i needed to do it for him. i needed to speak up on his behalf so that he wouldn't worry.
now, you would have to go back to the beginning of all of this blog to understand how money played into my married life. it was horrible. the guilt. constant. the worry. ever present. the stinginess. the norm. all while acting nice around others. being charming. like he was. before we married.
so, when he wrote back that he'd send a check, when i spent the time writing and actually pushing send, when i said the things that he should do...it was harder than anyone can imagine. like putting a knife through my foot. or perhaps my skull. it was tough. and while saying the things might be what is supposed to be done, it hurts me because i know his games. i know how he works. how he does what will look good, but will leave the underlying things untouched....not addressed. and i know that he'll use it to look good. and it causes me pain. i guess because nobody has seemed to notice the fact that i've leaned on god and done my thing and made it for more than TWO years. he paid half of the kids running shoes ONCE when he signed them up for a 10k and they didn't have their $100 shoes yet. seriously. that is how life has been. in two years, there was one other time...daughter wanted to play basketball and he really wanted her to. she got him to take her for shoes. and that's the second time he gave his half. he has never asked. the only money thing he asks is who to claim on his taxes and if he is still getting money from the rental house that i completely take care of....for two years. which i agreed to do. i just find it odd that he never steps up and says that he will pay something. that he doesn't take his kids shopping for some clothes or whatever it is that they need. i know that he'll use this "gift" to his advantage.
he has held things over me for years and i have enjoyed the freedom these last two years. but, it was important to my son. so. i've done it. but it feels horrible. asking someone for money who treated me with such disdain. who takes everything.
and...now i also have to revisit whether he is going to help maintain the rental house. and of all of the things, that makes me the sickest.
and there's nobody to tell. no place to make it better. i don't even have a church home anymore. there aren't even people who followed up with me. wow.
so. tomorrow is easter. and my kids will go to church. and i won't. because their dad will be in their row and i can't bear the sitting all alone anymore. easter. well...guess it saved me from getting a dress.
blessings.
now, you would have to go back to the beginning of all of this blog to understand how money played into my married life. it was horrible. the guilt. constant. the worry. ever present. the stinginess. the norm. all while acting nice around others. being charming. like he was. before we married.
so, when he wrote back that he'd send a check, when i spent the time writing and actually pushing send, when i said the things that he should do...it was harder than anyone can imagine. like putting a knife through my foot. or perhaps my skull. it was tough. and while saying the things might be what is supposed to be done, it hurts me because i know his games. i know how he works. how he does what will look good, but will leave the underlying things untouched....not addressed. and i know that he'll use it to look good. and it causes me pain. i guess because nobody has seemed to notice the fact that i've leaned on god and done my thing and made it for more than TWO years. he paid half of the kids running shoes ONCE when he signed them up for a 10k and they didn't have their $100 shoes yet. seriously. that is how life has been. in two years, there was one other time...daughter wanted to play basketball and he really wanted her to. she got him to take her for shoes. and that's the second time he gave his half. he has never asked. the only money thing he asks is who to claim on his taxes and if he is still getting money from the rental house that i completely take care of....for two years. which i agreed to do. i just find it odd that he never steps up and says that he will pay something. that he doesn't take his kids shopping for some clothes or whatever it is that they need. i know that he'll use this "gift" to his advantage.
he has held things over me for years and i have enjoyed the freedom these last two years. but, it was important to my son. so. i've done it. but it feels horrible. asking someone for money who treated me with such disdain. who takes everything.
and...now i also have to revisit whether he is going to help maintain the rental house. and of all of the things, that makes me the sickest.
and there's nobody to tell. no place to make it better. i don't even have a church home anymore. there aren't even people who followed up with me. wow.
so. tomorrow is easter. and my kids will go to church. and i won't. because their dad will be in their row and i can't bear the sitting all alone anymore. easter. well...guess it saved me from getting a dress.
blessings.
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