furniture

sometimes, the fact that i'm on my own strikes me.  i used to have people that knew what was happening.  who checked up.  who said the words, "just checking on you," or "how are you....really?"  i had people that actually saw me and gave me that which i give others.  dignity.  thanks.  appreciation.  encouragement.
and today, that on my own feeling kicked hard.
my daughter and i are sick.
not life threatening.  no big deal.
but there's not going to be a call from anyone today that just asks how i am and i get to tell and cray a little.  there's nobody that will call if there's not a reason.  or stop by.  nobody comes to do my dishes or bring me soup.  nope.  i'm in a new world.  a transitioning world.
because.
i don't plan on staying like this.
i need to have people around that meet those caretaking, loving, kind needs.  i can't go my whole life like this.
this.
i had to go to the store to take care of my little girl.  i had to drag myself up and out and go through the store in a fog with my head pounding.  i had to do it because she's my little girl.  and i've decided that i'm not going to keep reaching out to people and trying to make things close when they are not.  it's just nuts.  i mean, i could post that i want something.  but that's not the kind of relationship i'm talking about.  i'm talking about....family.  i am losing my friends that are family.  no.  nix that.  i've lost them.  even those that are still here.
if i get a text or a call or an email or a visit...it will only be because there's someone who needs something.  which..frankly...i'm glad to help with.
but, i've got to find a way to have people who remember that i'm sick and check on me.  i NEED that.  in my soul.  i need to be important enough.  because i spent too long in  a marriage putting all of my needs aside.  i spent too long allowing myself to be small and overlooked in order to keep hope of having something great alive.  that's not reality.  once people don't see you.  don't value you.  don't miss you.  don't notice when you are gone...or quiet...or sick...or hurting...or happy...or making plans.  once they think of you as a fixture..well...then, pretty much you are not family.  you are furniture.  i don't want to be furniture.  i can't spend my life like that.  i won't spend my life like that.
so.  i went to the store.  my daughter and i brought the stuff in and put it away.  juice pops and sherbet, canned soup, bread, toilet paper....don't forget the dog food....salad fixings, grilled cheese fixings, but too tired to make it right now, put it all away and went back to bed.  now daughter and i will be ok.  i will take care of her.  and i will take care of me.  until i am back to a plac ethat there are people in my life that see me again.  it will come.  this is just a transition. because, i am not furniture.
but that ex of mine has continued to make life horrid.  he does it so smoothly.  and i'm not going to fight.  anyone who should be my friend should just.....be my friend.  everyone else can sit on the fence or go with the ex, but i'm moving on.  it's going to take time.  it's going to take prayer and effort.  but i'm going to make it.
in the sad there's joy.  because i am alive.  i am aware of what is not ok.  and i know how to make it better.  i like that.
blessings.