I made it through yesterday. Heck, I made it through last week. The last twenty four years. Ha. I married. I divorced. I am living in the aftermath of that decision. I had someone tell me last week how lousy life is going to be because of that decision. How it will never be the same. I certainly hope not...because it was horrible. And the things that I deal with now that are awful are direct results of that horror.
In six days,my son graduates. In seven, my ex and his family descend upon my home. And I know who I want to be. I know who I AM. But I have struggled. There's so much to do. There's so much emotion. There are so many unknowns. I don't know how they'll be. I don't know if my ex will pretend that we are still....married. He wears a ring. He doesn't tell people. He goes to church and pretends. How sad of a life that must be. He must live in so much discomfort. Embracing truth..when it's messy and stinky...is difficult. I understand that. But until he actually fesses up that he indeed failed, nothing will ever change. His pride remains completely in tact, but his life is a wreck. He competes when he should be encouraging. He takes when he should give. He seeks comfort when he should be comforting. He runs away instead of turning and facing truth. But, though it's a truth, though he is divorced, though he had some part in that....he has a way of being an innocent victim. He has a way of throwing things on me. The problem now is that I am no longer in the groove of the game. I no longer live the deception of normal. People that I'm with know that I'm divorced. They know that I chose it. They know that I have no intention whatsoever of reconciling. They know. I am truthful about my failure. Imagine their confusion if they come to the party and....find my ex wearing a ring and being the host with the most in a house that he hasn't lived in for over two years. It's a little weird.
My kids say that he doesn't tell his family that we are getting back together. He behaves as if this is temporary. He behaves as if he is ignorant of what happened. I take responsibility...even in front of my kids....he blames me too. At least he is agreeable about who's to blame, right?
Overall, I have been ok. I have excelled. I have been moving forward. But. Yesterday, I almost fell flat on my face. I was pretty much there. The tears. The breakdown. It was all just a breath away from happening. I needed help. Not just help doing work. Help. Compassion. Love. Kindness. Understanding. Hugs. I needed it as much as a breath of air. I didn't even know how desperate I was until a friend showed up. And I started to completely fall apart. And I was feeling so guilty. Feeling so...ashamed. Because she was here and I was being a jerk. And I just needed someone to see me. To know that though I might make it look easy. Though I might smile and keep moving on. Though I will work hard to make it good for everyone else. I am having to prayerfully, purposefully, by choice, do this thing. I am having to do it with the knowledge of who I want to be. Of who I am. And though I owe my ex nothing, I do owe myself the expectation of doing this well. Because I can. Not because he deserves it. Not because anyone will get it or be nice to me. Nope. They are nice to him. The church people gather round him like someone who needs assistance. Oh well. I'm not going to point things out to them. I'm not going to give excuses. I'm not going to explain. Those who deserve explanations don't ask for them. I needed that friend to be here. To help with work, but to to help me laugh again even moreso. I needed her say those magic words, "you're a rock star." it was the beginning of air returning to my lungs. well, that and a good...but quick....sob fest. I'm ok again. Cooking lunch on this Sunday. Even went to the church to see my kid do his senior thing. With my oldest son. Then we had the most fun time shopping at the grocery store. It was awesome. I am healing. I am getting healthy. I'm not faking it. And it's not easy. It is just as hard as getting the body healthy. It takes commitment to what is true. What is true is not always pretty. But, the good news? It's better now than it was a year ago.
A rock star. That would never get on stage. Maybe a hairbrush rock star. But, stillll.....
blessings
grace to you.
In six days,my son graduates. In seven, my ex and his family descend upon my home. And I know who I want to be. I know who I AM. But I have struggled. There's so much to do. There's so much emotion. There are so many unknowns. I don't know how they'll be. I don't know if my ex will pretend that we are still....married. He wears a ring. He doesn't tell people. He goes to church and pretends. How sad of a life that must be. He must live in so much discomfort. Embracing truth..when it's messy and stinky...is difficult. I understand that. But until he actually fesses up that he indeed failed, nothing will ever change. His pride remains completely in tact, but his life is a wreck. He competes when he should be encouraging. He takes when he should give. He seeks comfort when he should be comforting. He runs away instead of turning and facing truth. But, though it's a truth, though he is divorced, though he had some part in that....he has a way of being an innocent victim. He has a way of throwing things on me. The problem now is that I am no longer in the groove of the game. I no longer live the deception of normal. People that I'm with know that I'm divorced. They know that I chose it. They know that I have no intention whatsoever of reconciling. They know. I am truthful about my failure. Imagine their confusion if they come to the party and....find my ex wearing a ring and being the host with the most in a house that he hasn't lived in for over two years. It's a little weird.
My kids say that he doesn't tell his family that we are getting back together. He behaves as if this is temporary. He behaves as if he is ignorant of what happened. I take responsibility...even in front of my kids....he blames me too. At least he is agreeable about who's to blame, right?
Overall, I have been ok. I have excelled. I have been moving forward. But. Yesterday, I almost fell flat on my face. I was pretty much there. The tears. The breakdown. It was all just a breath away from happening. I needed help. Not just help doing work. Help. Compassion. Love. Kindness. Understanding. Hugs. I needed it as much as a breath of air. I didn't even know how desperate I was until a friend showed up. And I started to completely fall apart. And I was feeling so guilty. Feeling so...ashamed. Because she was here and I was being a jerk. And I just needed someone to see me. To know that though I might make it look easy. Though I might smile and keep moving on. Though I will work hard to make it good for everyone else. I am having to prayerfully, purposefully, by choice, do this thing. I am having to do it with the knowledge of who I want to be. Of who I am. And though I owe my ex nothing, I do owe myself the expectation of doing this well. Because I can. Not because he deserves it. Not because anyone will get it or be nice to me. Nope. They are nice to him. The church people gather round him like someone who needs assistance. Oh well. I'm not going to point things out to them. I'm not going to give excuses. I'm not going to explain. Those who deserve explanations don't ask for them. I needed that friend to be here. To help with work, but to to help me laugh again even moreso. I needed her say those magic words, "you're a rock star." it was the beginning of air returning to my lungs. well, that and a good...but quick....sob fest. I'm ok again. Cooking lunch on this Sunday. Even went to the church to see my kid do his senior thing. With my oldest son. Then we had the most fun time shopping at the grocery store. It was awesome. I am healing. I am getting healthy. I'm not faking it. And it's not easy. It is just as hard as getting the body healthy. It takes commitment to what is true. What is true is not always pretty. But, the good news? It's better now than it was a year ago.
A rock star. That would never get on stage. Maybe a hairbrush rock star. But, stillll.....
blessings
grace to you.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about the divorce, but I'm glad you're keeping it together. You're a very strong woman. Divorce is a tough cookie to deal with, but you have to keep moving forward. Don't listen to others. Don't pay attention to anything they throw your way. You'll get better in time. You are indeed a rockstar! Best wishes and keep at it! :)
ReplyDeleteEric Risk