weight

i carry weight.

not that kind, but that's true enough too, i suppose.

emotional.  traumatic.  evil.  painful.

and this week at my school.  in my community.  it has been........heavy.

a woman had a baby cut out of her at seven months while answering a craigslist ad.

a man killed his father and tried to kill his mother before killing himself with the knife.  he is the father of two students at my school.

my school has decided to weigh us based on our value and pay us accordingly.  i am found wanting.  and it hurt.
and i know that it shouldn't.  but, i can't help that it does.  i am not type a.  i am not the go getter, i guess.  i do go after a lot of things, but they are not what they are looking for.

and my coworker found out in a round about way that her mother had been injured while we were at work.  she had to leave suddenly.  and still isn't here.

and lots of people are sick.  very sick.

and i bear the weight of tings when things are difficult.  it's like i suck in the pain and badness to try to rid the area of it to protect those i care about.  but yesterday, the effort, put me flat on the couch.  really.  worn out from it.

i'm much better today, but i realized that the reason my marriage was so hard on me was because of those tendencies.  i carry weight.

i take it on.  i lift it.  i strive to make the load lighter for others. and i won't quit.  it's simply who i am.
but i will rest when i need to.  often.  

so today, i am ready to go home.  so ready to go home.  and breathe.  and garden.  and rest.

i have a blessed life.  it is full and has beauty.  i intend to suck every ounce of goodness from the day with relish.

blessings.