Read it. Learn it. Say it Aloud.

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page3.htm

This link has a lot of good....but really deep and kinda painful....stuff.
  I read it.  It cuts me to the heart.  I don't think that I could ever look at him and say "you are an abuser."  And yet....it all fits.  Has for years.  Took me so long to get it.  I remember when I first felt nutso.  When I realized that I never knew which direction things would go.  NOW I get it.  NOW I see it in retrospect.  THEN, I was just so...confused.  Hurt.  But then he'd be nicer and I'd think that it was me....on and on and on and on.  Flash forward TWENTY years.  Seriously???Am I slow or what?
I have asked for a divorce before.  I have been aware for a long time that something was way off...but I just couldn't put my finger on it.  Would have been easier if he'd have decked me.  Then I could point to my black eye and look at him and say "get out"....you hurt me and that is wrong.  And he couldn't rationalize it away.
As it is, it's like trying to pick up dry sand in a sieve.  You just can't hold onto it.  I think I get it and then....it's like the merry go round speeds up or changes and I can't figure it out.  Some people live on a roller coaster.  And, sometimes it's like that.  But moreso, it's like round and round and round.  I used to tell him it was like a rut in a road and we aren't getting out of it.  But he didn't want out of it.  Now I get it.  The rut helped him to get what he wanted.
Is it wrong to be so cheerful thinking about having him gone?  It brightens my mood and lightens my load.
It's just a feeling.  And it's a true feeling.
grace to you.

STOP CALLING ME DEAR

Once and for all.  STOP.  aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!! YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
Ok, I feel much better now.  Today he has stalked my facebook, called me twice.  Texted me three times.  And now he's calling me dear and pretending nothing happened.......aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!!!!
Mercy.
Don't worry.  I know I'm NOT crazy.  I just totally don't get it.
Going to go to sleep.
grace to you.

I Have A Dream

Appropriate thought for the day, I'm thinking. ;)  I really do have a dream.  I dream of a day when my mind and body relax.  Where I'm not constantly stressed feeling.  Where I have a sense of peace.  I dream of a day when I can walk into my home and not want to walk right back out again.  I dream of a time when my phone will ring and my head won't start to pound thinking that it's him.  I dream of a day when my stomach won't be in knots.  And nights that I will sleep through the night.  I have a dream of making a difference in the world by taking the chance and moving forward to actually help my dreams come true.  Of allowing this pain in my life to be helpful to others.  To change me.  To help me remember who I want to be....and who I DON'T want to be.
I want to grow.  And love.  And care.  I have a dream of living and working in a way that honors who I was made to be.  Mostly, I just dream of a time where I'm not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It's like I am conditioned to know that it's coming.  The scary part is how he can be so freaky nice seeming.  Oh, and I also dream of a day when this tic in my eye stops.  It has begun recently.  Where my energy returns.  Where I can be at rest in my own home.
And that day is coming.  It's going to take time.  But, it's coming.  Soon and very soon.....
grace to you.

Stalking

Well, when you take away someone's power, they look for another way to have power.  He's stalking my facebook.  I have a post about going to the Dominican Republic for 9 months...it's a thing that women are posting to raise awareness of breast cancer.  It's a silly game.  He called all snitty...."you didn't tell me that you are going to the Dominican Republic".  Seriously?  It's crazy.
But, I do know that he is feeling powerless suddenly.  I'm sure that he is exhibiting a natural response.  And, I'm sure that he'll get through it.
I've spent the afternoon going through the layers of paperwork for separation.  Yikes.  It's a lot.
Good news...about 1100 expected in child support.  Another 300 in maintenance.  Or more.  However, it's not the money so much as it is him understanding how much he "should" give.
I'm happy and yet...I'm almost afraid to hope.  Feels like it's probably just another coming up for air before being held under again.  But.....with time....I'll relax and live in this new way.
grace to you.

Decisions

So much running through my mind.  Not a bad thing.  Simply a fact. Looking with new eyes.  Thinking new thoughts.  What do I really want?  What do I want to accomplish in who I am becoming?  How do I make myself feel safe.....not only BE safe, but FEEL safe.  While he says that feelings are nothing, I disagree.  I need to feel safe.  To be held.  To know that I can rest.  Let down.  Not be hyper vigilant.
How does that look?  I could let him take the living room.  Not sure if I could.  Afraid he would still feel ownership of the bedroom and intrude.  But, maybe not.  Hard to know.  Have to make a plan.
Clean out.  Pack up.  Sell the house.  But that might be too much on my kids.  They have lived here a long time.  It's a place to come home to.  Yet....he likes the house more than I do.  Has his chickens.  His projects.  Letting him buy it makes sense.  Not sure if he can qualify.  Hmmm.
I can finally say the words that these are things that I need.  But it's hard not to put disclaimers.
But there being decisions is a good thing.  It means change.  And I NEED change.
You ever wish that you could just talk randomly and not make sense for about 10 hours?  I hardly ever wish that...but that is where I am now.  My poor friends.
grace to you.

The Path Splits

I have come to a divide in my life.  The path doesn't end.  It simply diverges with someone else's.  To take responsibility that this is my choice is important.  I am not a victim of circumstances.  I have looked over what is and what has been.  I have prayed and given marvelous effort.  I am not what my husband wants.  Though he'll say so.  He DOES want that I am his fixer.  His scapegoat.  The one to blame when his life isn't right.  He uses me to keep from being responsible.  I refuse to use him the same way.  He has done things.  True enough.  But I am the one choosing to split the path.  In this way, I am not a victim.  I am a grown up making a decision.  The consequences are mine to bear.  And the rewards.  I don't wish to be foolhardy.  This seems the wisest path.  And, actually the kindest.  Because if we go on as we are....getting worse and worse....eventually I will only hate him.  Resent him.  Letting go can be a gift.  He tells me that is wrong.  But you know, there were 400 years when God did not speak to His people.  Not because He's hateful.  It was time for a change.  They didn't see Him.  Didn't appreciate Him.  Didn't acknowledge who He was in their lives.  And they just assumed that He would keep on doing His thing and making their lives "right".  But then He withdrew.  He was silent.  Not absent.  Not unloving.  Not unaware.
This is what came to me today.  This is my answer from God.  Godly character does not mean allowing myself to be destroyed.  And dying to self doesn't mean being murdered.  There is a way to choose to give up my life and a way in which it is ripped from me.
Even here in my wondering if I can still possibly be a "godly" woman.  If I can make this journey at all.  God whispers in my soul.  Comforts me.  He just showed me how is IS like Him to make boundaries.  Not out of hatefulness.  Out of goodness and kindness.  Out of self respect and out of knowing what happens to others if they don't have boundaries.
I accept my responsibility.  I have made this choice.
And....I am strangely....happy.
grace to you.

Without A Doubt

I know that I have done what I had to do.  What works to keep me safe.  What will make me the mom I need to be to my children.  I have no doubt about it.  I still haven't cried.  I just feel.....emptied.  Drained.  Like it was so long coming.  Such a long wait.  But, there are these parts that wonder.  Not doubt.  But wonder.  Why, and when is it ok with God to say enough?  Are there guidelines?  Because I guess that in keeping with wanting to be in His will, I wonder about such things.  I wonder if I'm just selfish.  Perhaps dying to self means ceasing.  I don't think so.  It doesn't seem right.  But I can't justify my thoughts.
Except for that voice in my ear.  The One that keeps calling me forward.  That keeps encouraging me.  God has not abandoned me.  And though I may not be "in the right", His grace carries me.
I am so weary.  I need to be taken care of.  Feels like when I had surgery.  Yep, I'm home.  And, today I should be productive because I'm without husband.  But all I feel is limp.  Like after a big hike and once you stop, you just practically melt.
It's hard.  My husband tells me how good he is to me.  How he takes care of me.  Yet he has harmed me more than any other.  Has put me in a place that hurts me so deeply.
I am done.  I say it.  I mean it.  It's not a threat.  It's just a fact.  Doesn't even feel that emotional on my part.  Just feels like doing what has needed to be done for a long time.  A relief.  But, most of the loss has passed for me.  I do need to be patient.  Allow him to suffer his loss.  And I need to get stronger.  Because there will be a battle ahead.
I'm going to have to be able to ask for help.  Because I don't think I can do it all alone.
grace to you

Never Once - Matt Redman (Worship with Lyrics)

Numb.

I was courageous.  I spoke.  I said that I need a separation.  I didn't battle.  I spoke with him at church.  After services.  He asked to go home and talk about it and I said no that I didn't feel safe.  I don't know what it's going to look like.  He doesn't seem like he'll actually go.....said that he won't walk out on his family.  But, still, I was brave.  I said what I need and I set my boundaries.  I said no more bullying.  That if he tells me what he is allowed to do because it is his right by marriage then I would be sure that we were no longer married.  I didn't cry.  I still haven't.  I'm spent.  Yet not sleeping.  Needing comfort.  But don't know how to find that.  Time will pass.  It will get easier.
My fear is that he will treat it as he always has....as if nothing happened.  Dismissing it.  It cost me so much.  Hurting someone is not pleasant.
I apologized that I have hurt him over and over in the past year and a half by moving out of our room.  By closing him out.  Told him that I have to be safe.  That he can't tell me to heal and just expect it to happen.  Told him that I am wounded deeply.  That I have tried and tried to keep going on.  To honor and help him.
I also told him that I've helped him get to a place where he has more people that are closer to him.  That he doesn't have to be alone.  That he can seek help.
I know that he's hurt.  Angry.  Probably shocked.  Although, I told him that it's not like the first time I've mentioned it.  I reminded him that I've asked him before to go for a time to give us time to get healthy...and that he has refused.  It just continues to get worse to stay on the same rutted path.
I need to write.  Yet, I don't have much to say.  I need to sleep.  But, I'm still in the living room.  It was a hard day for my body.  As well as my heart.  I feel absolutely drained  Yet, like I can't sleep.  Need to cry probably...but afraid that I won't be able to stop.
I fled today.  I don't want to be here now.  Should have gone to get a hotel room.  Didn't think of it.
I really need a day to sleep.  To put my head under the covers.  But I don't know how to get that.  So, I'll just hope that this night's sleep is enough.
grace to you.

Answers

Having this time with only one child has assured me of one basic thing.  I cannot wait for 41/2 years.  Having only one around is not "barrier" enough nor "distraction" enough to help me to keep my sanity.  I've been praying for how and when to use my words.  I want it not to be in the middle of a battle.  I want to feel safe.  I don't want to do it in front of the kids.  The dilemma is that I don't feel safe or comfortable in the house without the kids.  I have really struggled with this.
Right or wrong, good or bad, I need a separation.  I need to find the woman I am supposed to be without shame or guilt.  And maybe after that, I'll be able to return to marriage.  I am really not thinking so, to be honest.  The habits are so ingrained.  The rut is so deep.  But, I know that I can't keep living like this.  And I can't just stop.  Have to keep going forward.  So, I must go forward.  And trust.
And in all of my prayers and wondering, I couldn't figure out where or how to use my words.  I couldn't seem to wrap my mind around any way that would work.  In the night....early morning really....I had an aha moment.  I know where and I don't have to worry if I can explain myself.  That's the basic problem anyway....he can't or won't hear me.....so, I can't expect that I'll get him to do so perfectly in this really hard time.  But, I can have compassion.  I can show care.  I can use my words.  Though they are hard.
And my heart felt lighter.  My face felt less tense.  I seemed happier.  All because I know how and where to tell him.  I know, that's sad, right?  That the best day I've had is because I finally understand how I can tell my husband that I need to be separated.  And that I know where I can do it safely.  For both of us.  And that I can do it with compassion.  Finally.  Not hatred.  But also, caring for me too.  Timing is everything. Things rarely happen when I think they will.  They don't even happen when people tell me they should.  But, eventually, it all comes together.  I AM an overthinker.  I get that.  I am not a worrier, but a predictor, a thinker of what truly is BEST.  Not just good.  Or good enough.
I heard the other day on the christian radio station that this year has been dubbed the year of the "good enough" marriage.  And...that is sad.  How about the "abundant" marriage?  The "growing" marriage?  The anything but good enough...the status quo...the "I'm still here, but don't have very high expectations" attitude.  I did the good enough marriage.  I tried to say that it was ok.  That I needed to just be thankful that it wasn't as bad as such and such.  But measuring any relationship bases on how much or how little abuse there is or how much or how little love there is can't be healthy.  It's a relationship, but it's broken.  It's sick.  It's in need of help.  I realized that a long long time ago.  But was shot down every time with the "commitment" argument. Now, I realize that it doesn't need to be an argument.  I have needs.  I have feelings.  I have boundaries.  And I am allowed to express them.  Maybe not by him.  But he is not in charge of me.  Well, I let him be, but I don't have to....
here's to change.  And courage.  And a safe place to speak.
grace to you.