lists

clear the porch.  paint the table.  paint the floor.  paint the cabinets.  cut the chicken.  bread the chicken.  fry the chicken.  buy the sauces.  cut the fruit.  clean up the dog poop. pull the grass out of the garden.  clean the floors.  clean the counters.  clean the drawers. clean the house in general. move the furniture.  buy the table cloths.  get the fondue pots.  get lots of chocolate.  order the cake...i did that. ;)  set up the yard.  put up the awning.  put up the volleyball.  get the soda on ice in the baby pool...which i need to buy.  get the boy his dress clothes...did that today...return the shirt that's too tight...do that tuesday....he looks good in dress clothes.  really good.  go to countless nights out.  try to make small talk.  vulnerable.  tired.
finish ILP's for school.  finish grading.  post grades.  clean classroom.  go to meetings.  move stuff into my classroom.  finish projects.  two more field trips.  finish reading redwall to them.
cook.  clean.  keep up.  make coffee.  go grocery shopping.  run errands.
too much stuff.  too much.  mostly just because of the ex.  painful.  mostly because people don't get it.  i don't know what to talk about.  i hate crowds anyway.  not like...the airport...but rather, the mingle kind of party.  totally out of my comfort zone.
haircut.  nails.  something good to wear for graduation.
pray.  read.  reconnect.  have faith.  choose.  breathe.  love.  enjoy.  be at peace. practice acts of kindness.  smile more.  god has gone nowhere.  he knows me.  sees me.  will provide for me.  even in all of this cray cray.  i am carried.  i am filled.  he is enough. for me.  each day.  more than enough.
have to breathe.  remember to breathe.  back to holding my breath.  not good.  not the life god has planned for me.
i made it to a party today.  i can do this.  not on my own strength.  not alone.  but that's the hard part.  i am alone.  i am not one of those people who can call mom or aunt or sister or grandma or whatever.....i just have to do it.  period.  and enjoy when people have time or choose to help...but know that nobody owes it.
one thing at a time.
and remembering to rest and sleep.
blessings.

They Don't Get It

I was just sitting here thinking how people don't get it. They don't get why I was married and things seemed normal for all of those years and now I tremble to be in the same room.  They don't get why I won't do the same things.  Hang in the same places.  They don't get it because they don't know how done I was.  How at the end of it, I had been completely drained.  Completely unable to give him even another moment of my life.  So many think that it must all be some misunderstanding.  He leads them to believe something that isn't true.  It's some of the good friends from the past that I'm not sure what to do with.  They seem to have the idea that they can influence me.  Remind me who I should be.  How I should be.
But I can't. Not anymore.  Not going back.  Going forward.  Learning to own my own stuff but tired of trying to not speak of his.
He's not a very nice person.  But he acts good.
sigh.  

fearless one...fearless wonder

i went to my grandson's fifth birthday party.  only for a little while.  my ex had signed up to go on facebook when it was first posted.  today, i had all of the teens with me.  we went shopping for the boy. he was so much fun to shop for.  and i said that i'd go for awhile and then have to go run errands.  which i did.  but, i knew i couldn't stay that long.  small house.  small yard.  minimal amount of adults.  a little awkward.  but i went.  got there early.  ex got there late.  we crossed by about 20 minutes.  then i exited politely while people weren't around.  my son got my grandson and they came out and said goodbye.  i went shopping for my graduates dress clothes.  came home.  made cobbler.
i am pretty worn.  this is going to be a tough month.  tomorrow night is the senior banquet at the church.  my ex is involved with the youth group.  mercy.
but i am fearless.  i don't have to back off when i'm afraid....i can move forward.  and when i want to move away and avoid, that's not being a coward, that's being smart enough to know what i need to thrive.
stilllll.....
it's gonna be stinkin' hard.  he pretends all is well.  like we are married.  maybe separated.  certainly not divorced.  makes it super awkward.
but...what does it matter?  what others think really doesn't effect me or my life except in my emotions.  what god says i am is who i really am.
blessings.

breathe. in. out. in. out.

theme of my life.  at least where the ex is concerned.  i don't know why it's so very hard today.  but it is hard today.  it is what it is.  simply put.  it's hard.  it's icky.  but it is.  and reality is better than fantasy.  but i think that perhaps the grief involves anger with him today.  that i have a sense of the injustice that i lived with.  and am having a hard time with the fact that it is perpetuated by the current charade of his.
i read what john piper says about women and ministry.  i listened to his podcast.  he says that women know a lot, have a lot to share and that men can learn from women if they listen but that women should never be in a position to teach or instruct a man.  that women can instruct women.  and children.  if the bible says women can't lead then isn't it strange that they are allowed to lead the young?  shouldn't men do that too?  seems convenient.  and...his words...made me feel again as a failure.  fail.  to submit.  to follow.  to stay.  to do what he wanted. john piper says that men should love well.  that women should follow.  that women are beautiful and have their place.
now, i never have viewed myself as a feminist.  i stayed home with my kids.  i think that genders each have their own strengths as a general rule.  and yet....i am an equalist.  i believe that jesus made us all equal.  that he SAID it.  that he lived it.
but, my heart is heavy.
my church sent people to a conference at this man's church.  his viewpoint makes me uneasy.  it is everything that held me captive those twenty years.  because men are not called to be the men that women can follow....it's a sad thing.  it would be nice if it were true.
he used an analogy.  a woman cannot be the drill sergeant in the army, telling men what to do directly.  but, it's ok if she is the city planner and designs the streets that the men will drive on and follow.
breathe.
i did fail.  i know that.
but i don't agree with the idea that it's because i didn't submit enough.  it was because i submitted too much to viewpoints and an ideology that was harmful to me.
just sad today.

Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive with Lyrics (on screen)

hahahaha.  chorus was on my mind today.

three weeks from today

in three weeks and six hours, it will be graduation party day.  i have to be ready.  and yet...i am frozen.  it's all of the emotional stuff.  and all of the stuff i have to be doing for work as well.  stuck.  having trouble getting motivated and getting to it.  everyone else has so much stuff too.  not sure i'll really have much assistance.  my son that usually cooks is sleep deprived already. and...frankly....might feel awkward that his dad isn't coming.
tomorrow night is senior banquet at church.  sigh.  glad he chose to go.  and...not glad.  i am pretty overwhelmed emotionally these days.  this next month seems like way too much.  WAY too much.
and most people don't get it.
oh well.  glad i finally get it.
now, out of the funk and out of the bunk.  into the tub and onto the day.
i have a life to live joyfully and peacefully and i need to stand against this crap.
blessings.

church day

kids are home with me.  i feed them.  take care of them.  keep their schedules.  i make sure they have soap and toothpaste.  telephone.  wireless internet.  i take them to coffee.  or ice cream.  i buy the clothes they need.  i do all of these different things. i am here to love them every day.  and i love them no matter how they behave or what they choose. yet.  still.  at church.  their dad thinks he has equal or more rights.  he thinks that he should be the one to sit with them.  he makes it hard.  really hard.
because i won't make them choose.  never.  not fair.  not good.  not kind.  i won't do it.  never ever.  period.
but today?  today i feel sad for me.  today i am grieving for me.  today i feel like the unfairness is just so....unfair.  he has never gotten to know.  never stopped and cared.  never went out of his way to be sure that they have what they need.  he worked.  made money.  we were fed.  but it was always held over us all.  and now?  now, i am not sure that it will ever be fair.  that i will ever get the time with the kids freely on sundays.  freely.  without him over my shoulder.
and today i am sad about that.

Just When I Think

Just when I think that I can quit thinking "jackass" in my head....just when I nearly think, it's not that bad....just when....he shows bad behavior.  Again.
I flew my son home from college last night.  We got back home late.  Today is our first day as a family.  Hanging out.  Being together.  And...I hear from my youngest son that my ex is planning dinner for them all.  Mmmmm.  Scuse me?  Really?  Puts me on the spot by having my son ask if we "have any plans?"  Well...we aren't going out anywhere, but we were being here.  Sigh.  But he also puts me in a bad spot.  Not to be able to say to my son what is wrong with the scenario.  Not really able to say no.
Jackass.

email

he wrote.  he says he hasn't heard from any of his family that they will be coming to the graduation.  he is sorry.  he says.  how much can he give me for the graduation party.  um.  nothing?  you're not invited.  i didn't say that.  just said thanks for letting me know.  good news is that if the family isn't coming then my son doesn't have to invite his dad.  crazy times.
i'm tired but still awake.  tomorrow is friday. i shouldn't have read his email.  not tonight.  it was upsetting.  he's so fake.  he doesn't know that i know that.  still trying to "win" me back....key word is win.
too much.  too sad.
but, at least he won't be at the party.

Rough Days

Well, yesterday I heard from a second hand source that my ex's extended family will not be coming into town for y son's graduation because my son was " a pain in the ass" at Christmas time.  And, frankly, he was.  But it wasn't all his fault.  He was not treated well.  Not even kindly. And, really?  What teen isn't a pain in the ass to some degree? It just kind of goes with the definition of teen.
But, I was angry at this news.
Then there was more news to go as a side dish.  My ex is refusing to acknowledge the divorce.  Won't tell people.  He is not giving up hope.  Maybe I should rent a billboard?  Really?
So, I found myself horribly angry.  Indignant.  Injured.  Hurt.  Sad.  Emotional.  Used.  Disbelieving.  Grieving.
With all of my kids around.
So, I "ran an errand" to Hobby Lobby.  I cussed the entire way there and screamed in frustration several times.  When I got there, I was thinking a bad word over and over and over and over.....then realized that I was actually saying it aloud.  At Hobby Lobby. Yes, while the christian music played.  I managed to rein it into my brain, get what I needed and get checked out.  Then, I resumed my private rant in my car all the way to a friend's house.  Then I spent some time sitting in the car with her listening to me whine.
Then, I went home and downed a single serving bottle of wine...really....downed it.  Covered up in a blankie, turned on a show and went to sleep.
Woke up in the morning and emailed my ex that I was wondering who was coming to the graduation.  Also told him about my vacation plans.  I haven't heard from him.
I'm still irritated. Still feeling that his behavior is unjust. I am stunned that even now, he won't honor my own choice, my own decision, my own boundary.  I am done.  Done.  Finished.  I can't be bullied back into marriage with him.....and his behavior towards our son just reminds me of how self centered he is.
When confronted with how he didn't defend our son at Christmas with the family.  When reminded of his failure...he can't remember.  Crazy.  Makes ME crazy.
But those these are rough days, I am still carried.  Still loved.  Still certain of what I want and don't want.  And if I use the f word now and then...or constantly for a couple of hours...that will pass.  And I have to remind myself that he behaves like a jackass simply because I'm a pretty easy going person and I forgive and move on.  With him, that's dangerous to me emotionally.  I must forgive.  And hold a boundary.  Doing both is hard.
Yes, it's rough.  But I don't live there anymore.  I get to choose different things for my days.  I get to move on.  He's a jackass.  Oh well.  He gets to choose how to behave too.
His choice.  He gets to choose for him.  But not for me.  And I get to choose how I act.  I choose nice.  But not naive.  Not a victim.  I choose wise.  I choose kind.
Rough days.  They pass.
blessings.