beautiful life

my life

is

so

very

beautiful

but

sometimes

i forget

i don't see the rainbow

because of the trees

and appreciate the trees themselves

i don't

remember the gifts

each day lived

quiet moments

sand between my toes

beautiful things

funny memories

blessing

blessing

blessing

blessing

abundantly blessed

gifts

new day

each day

silly places

little games

chidren's laughter

fortune

fortune

a life of grace

another new day

and another

sun through the storms

death

laughter in the 

clean up

and togetherness

victories no matter how small

light

showing the way

illuminating my heart

and soul

crazy surprises

gentleness

intricate patterns

beauty in the coldness

seeing through the shadows

to the light

looking up

seeing blue sky

trusting the path

savoring the day

noticing

seeing with new eyes

being appreciative

another new day

and another

and another

comfort

travel

going home

all shapes and sizes

winding paths

covered

really truly covered

blanketed

wrapped

below the sky

by love

another new day

beauty

a journey

light in the distance

hope

faith

joy

love

faithfulness

newness

every single day.  i have a most beautiful life.  and the rest?  just white noise.  there is beauty all around.  for all of us.  every day.  each sunrise.  each sunset.  each snowflake.  every moment.  each cry.  each laugh.  beauty.  blessings.  everywhere.
happy worship day.

living the good life

i realized this morning that i'm living the good life.  not rich.  not popular.  but a very good life.  a job.  feeling safe at home.  time to enjoy my kids.  the ability to be thankful.  i am learning to savor moments.  really savor them.  i am learning to lean into the harder times.  i am finding joy in the difficulty.  sometimes, i'm so happy, so joyful, so full of hope that i feel uncomfortable!  it feels like maybe there's some reason that i should be wallowing around in the mud of the pain and despair...which are also there.  i ache.  a lot has happened.  a lot is happening.  it's not all sunshine and bon bons.  i have worries and not a soul to share them.  i have wounds that i have to bind, tend to and wait to heal.  i have aches that awaken me and go to bed with me.
and so.
i have trouble figuring out how.
how i am so very.
so very happy.
very joyful.
very thankful.
like a balloon rising.
it doesn't matter what is below or around.
it can still rise.
even if the one it carries is wounded.
and tired.
and unsure.
and lonely.
joy rises.
and lifts.
and shows a new view.
and somehow.
blessedly so.
that is where i am.
He lifted me.

and though i still find myself in times of need.
i'm somehow less a part of that and more a part of a place that sees more.
it's a good place.
i am living the good life.
while living real life.
it is fabulous.
a find that is a treasure.
it's a shame that i have nobody to tell.
because it would only sound weird.
so i am sharing the secret with you!
nothing got nice and sweet and easy,
but i was lifted by joy and hope.
by jesus.
and now, the days are full of good.
because i have changed.
blessigs.

the joy

to have good days.
really good days.
beautifully wonderful days.
when there's nothing special.
just normal life.
hard life.
difficult things
yet.
joy.
ah.

Super Bowl Sunday

Kids have left.  Big game for our state.  The Broncos haven't been to the Super Bowl for a long time.  But, here I am.  Alone.  And you'd think I'd be feeling blue...not orange and blue, just blue.  But I'm not.  I am livestreaming the game while I clean my room.  I'm quite happy.  No crowd. No cheering.  Just me.  And my dogs.
For a moment, it felt bad.  And then I remembered the company times with my ex.  The draining feeling of having to make things work with him.  How he dominated things.  Had to be the center.  And suddenly, I was so very thankful just to be here hanging out and being...real.
feels good to be content.
very good.
it's a truly super sunday.
blessings.

thriving

yep.
thriving.
used to be so hard to have these days when my ex would insert himself into everything..not just having his friends, but taking mine too.  doing things but not making relationships.  not owning what happened.  still pretending and being a victim.  behaving as if he "just doesn't understand."
but today is a REALLY good day.  a for real good day.  painting my floor some more.  in crud clothes.  movie playing while i work.  coffee.  and i'm content.
i'm not just surviving anymore.  i'm moving to thriving.  making healthy choices to make my life a blessing.  to myself.  to others.  to give glory to god.
i breathe now.  not just little bits.  deep, relaxing restful breaths.  it's a gift.  i went so long without breathing.
thriving.
yes i am.
and i am proud of me.
blessings.

party

today there is a super bowl party.  my ex has found a family that he suddenly spends time with because they have a house and will invite him...and all of the kids...and grandkids...and will provide food....and it costs him nothing.  not the time to set up.  nothing. not the rent for a place that could accommodate his family. nothing.  it used to be odd to me that people treat him so sweetly and do so much for him and feel sorry for him.  then, i realized....i was them.  i did that for years.  i felt sorry for him.  i tried to make things better for him.  he sets himself up to be needy.  to need to be taken care of.  all while seeming so charming.  but he doesn't give back.  it's not an adult relationship.  he doesn't get it.
so, for awhile today, i ached.  all of the kids are going to this party.  and grandkids.  and girlfriend.  and friends.  sigh.  do you know that they have not invited me to one thing...ok, a graduation party that i was invited to by their daughter...since my separation began TWO YEARS ago.  they invited all of us to easter that year two years ago.
and he uses our friends.  they are used to be the abuse that he can no longer inflict in person.  he used to interfere and be jealous of my friendships.  now, he uses them to "punish" me.  because he knows that i love them.  that i would care.
but, as it turns out, i have a choice.  so i have decided to wish all well and enjoy my day and enjoy the other times that i get with the kids..the doesn't have to be a special occasion times.  that's ok.  that's even nicer.  no battle over who is together.  i just love my kids. i don't need them to be there at certain times.  i don't need to make a point.  i've made arrangements to do something different for my grandson's birthday.
i get to choose.  i get to be happy.  it's not a game or some way to impress. it's a lifestyle.  a lifestyle that brings me joy.  and peace.  i choose happy.  even when others work to make it hard.  how sad to be him.  or them.
blessings.

value

a couple of days ago, something amazing happened.  something that made me stop.  something that has kept me from writing for two days for lack of a way to put it to words.  a couple of days ago, i was spending time with someone.  we don't often have one on one time.  it was initiated by me...which is normal.  but, something happened that day that touched me.
we had been talking a little while when her phone rang.  she glanced and put it away.  i said, "you can get it."  she said, "no, it would be a chatty call and we don't have that much time together so i want to spend it with you."
we had over an hour left.
i was actually floored.
i didn't cry...then.  i didn't make it a big deal...then.  just said thanks and we went on.
oh, but the impact.
i realized how nice it felt to feel valued.
to feel more important.  or at least as important .
to be respected.
and it got me thinking.   why do i settle for so little?
why do i think that it's ok for everyone else to constantly come first when i'm with others.  calls. texts. other people.
i have allowed myself to become someone who just takes the leftovers.  and that's not good.  not when i'm giving the main dish.....the whole thing.
leftovers.
i think maybe i'm worth more than that.
and i think that if others don't treat me that way that i should spend time doing something else.
the act of kindness by my friend caused me to grow. to expect more of myself.  to respect myself more.  it caused me to feel valued because it happens so rarely.  it jumpstarted my behaving like i should be valued.
blessings.