Grumpy

Let's see.  Sick.  Broken phone.  Messy house.  Day off that I wanted to do lots of things...but again, sick. Needy 20 year old.  Tired sick.  Did I mention sick?  Ick.  Headache.  Sore throat.  Fever.  Eyes hurt.  Was sleeping until son called in morning...then...well, then he came over, then the day went until it was time for the kids to come home. 
I needed time.  I wanted to clean and do some good stuff around the house.  Have things in mind.  But, being sick, not so much.  And, I looked around and the basics were so....messy.  Frustrating.  Very.
And, this is the grumpy kinda sick.  Don't know why.  Blah.  Ick.  Grump. 
So, I think I'll call it a night and watch some tv and fall asleep and....see how I feel in the morning. 
I hate being sick....but I hate being grumpy more.  It's so....horrible feeling.  Like knowing that I want to be nicer but just feeling icky.  So, time for me to get some time to get well....to get some QT.  That was supposed to be today.  Don't know how to do it.  He moved out.  Yet.....I know, all in good time.  All in good time.

Gettin' What Ya Need

Some people are really good at getting their needs met.  Some of them enter a room and just practically suck up all of the oxygen as they fill themselves with what they need.  Others somehow have a knack for hanging around the "right" people who will give them what they need.  Some people are just able to ask for what they need and expect  to get it.
I know how to ask.  I know how to seek it.  But, I cannot overcome the feeling of being an inconvenience.  It's simply a fact that one person's needs can often be inconvenient for others.  Not that people mind inconvenience, it's just the nature of having needs.  Giving to one person means not giving to someone else or to yourself.
Frankly, it's all too complicated.  I don't know how to encourage people to get what they need, to do what they need, to be who they need to be....and still allow myself to have needs too.
This last couple of days, I have been heartbroken.  But, I have tried a new way of dealing with it.  I thought that perhaps planning some time would be better.  You know, not just showing up and falling apart on someone.  But, I am learning that doesn't work either.  Well, to be honest, I didn't say that I was needy.....I just tried to make plans.  And, the reason that the plans didn't work out were good and perfect.  It is as it should be.  And yet, why is it that I can't figure this out?  Some people are good at showing up and saying, "I've had a lousy day and I am here for you to help me feel better."  I like to know that others are doing ok first.  That my garbage won't add to their own pile from the day.
So, I write.  But, this kind of writing doesn't connect with anyone.  It doesn't allow me to hear wisdom.  Nor get a hug.  I know that it's my own fault.
It was these feelings that caused me to write, "chosen".  I still feel like the kid waiting.  Even though I don't want to live there.  And, today, I have chosen not to.  I am going to take the day off.  Get some much needed rest.  Drink a lot of fluids.  Take my vitamins.  And maybe work in my house.  I'm going to hide out alone.  I don't want to be with a crowd.  I just wanted.....what?  I'm not really sure.
I wanted to be seen.  It has been such a very hard few days.  But though I try to say, it all just sounds stupid.  Same ol', same ol'.  No way to get out the words that tell how heartbroken I am.  It takes so much time to simply relax.  No wonder I can't go to a counselor.  I'd need a day long appointment just to warm up.  But I know that I used to be able to do it.  I have friends who remind me.
This marriage has really been a killer to me.  Why doesn't anyone see that I'm missing?  How sad is that?  My fault.  Now I need to do new things.
Gonna finish crying here soon.  And spend my lovely day.  I choose it to be lovely.  Because I have breath.  Because I have so much to be thankful for.
I do have to say...this week is wreaking havoc on my health.  I have to figure out what to do with the sudden hopeless feelings regarding my dreams.  Because emotional pain DOES affect physical pain.  A lot.
The remedy for today....Gibbs and Denozzo.
grace to you.

Chosen

Remember the "good old days" of elementary school when p.e.  consisted of choosing teams and playing sports?  I remember.  I remember because I would say "me, me, pick me...".  Never team captain.  Never chosen at the beginning.  And, I was fast.  I didn't have many ball skills though...nobody around to teach them to me.  I was strong.  I ice skated.  I was not coordinated with a bat, however.  So, what I had, they didn't want.  And....I was the kid without a dad.  The "different" kid.  After awhile, I kind of faded into the background as I waited for the "choosing" teams to end.  Because, after awhile, I realized that I wasn't really being chosen...I was being taken because they had to...and that the pain of the picking teams part was a distant second to the pain of being on a team that doesn't want you.  They don't cheer for you.  They say unkind things under their breath.  They stand about ten feet away from you.  Afraid to be associated with the last chosens....lest their fate become the same. 
Life's just kind of like that.  And, I'm getting closer and closer to 50.  Childishness still reigns.  People are still ranked.  It's still a competition.  But, I changed.  I decided that life is NOT a competition.  Life is so much more.  It is cooperation and independence and interdependence.  It is love and anger and joy and misunderstandings.  Life is....messy.  Like painting day in the preschool, you just don't really know what is going to be created. 
Though I chose a long time ago to step out of that...at least in my mind.....I still suffer the fallout at times.  The feelings of inadequacy.  Still know that it's rare to be chosen over anybody or anything else.  Thankfully, I am still changing.  Still growing.  Because even though that sadness remains true.....I am learning to let it go.  To focus on what real value, real worth, looks like. 
Don't think it's easy.  It's like having a second degree burn....it HURTS and throbs and never lets you forget that it's there.  But, though it's there, I can still behave differently.  Though people live to try to survive in this competitive world, I refuse to be a part of that mindset anymore.  Because it harms.  It makes people....children...believe that if they are not chosen, not welcomed into the team then they have no worth. 
I know it's not true.  Because I was "chosen" to get married.  But, never welcomed onto the team.  Choosing comes for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with worth or skill.  But, my value remains.  Though some days I have a hard time seeing it.  I am valuable because I was created for my own unique purpose. And, one thing I am becoming more certain of....it wasn't to simply fit in and make everyone happy. 
grace to you.

He took it....and it's still there.

Remember the big drama about needing house payment money on the weekend?  Had to have it right now.  Needed the money out of my bank account.  Well, as of now, four days later....there's still a bunch of money in the bank.  Guess he doesn't know that I have online banking.  But I can never figure out why we have to do this stupid dance.  Why he has to control.  Why he has to have EVERYTHING.  I don't get it.  He took the money that my kids and I had saved in my piggy bank for pete's sake.....for what??? 
Sometimes I think it'll all just drive me crazy and that'll be the end of it.
grace to you.

Here I am.

I am watching old episodes of NCIS and avoiding life.  I do this at home when my husband is home.  Or expected.  It's like my mind and body just can't organize and do the things that I want to do.  Troublesome.  I don't really understand it.  He's not home yet.  But I've been expecting him.
When I was at the kids' meet, he texted that he'd be at work for 10 more minutes....that was over two hours ago.
Strange.
I don't know what to do about this trapped feeling.  Feeling like I am not going to be able to be who I want to be and do what I want to do no matter what happens from here on out.  It was a really painful realization.  So, I think that maybe I could go to someone to talk about it.  But, bottom line is that nobody really knows what the future holds.  I would only be telling them to have someone hear me.  Answers come with time and with prayer.  With waiting and with hoping.  With seeking and with thinking.
A rational part of me knows that it is still possible to write if I'm separated.....it's just that I realize how much more difficult it makes it.  As if it wouldn't be difficult enough.  I know that I can't write "for real" with him around...I have trouble making coffee, let alone making deadlines and facing rejections.  It would be totally unbearable to have him with me through that.  Not the kind of person I want around for the try/fail time.  He's not supportive.
Here I am.  Wondering what the purpose of my hopes and dreams is.  I don't know.  But I know that there must be one.  So, though I am vastly discouraged, I will begin to change my perspective since I cannot change the circumstances.
I can think of writing still.  I can still write.  I might not be successful as the world calls it but it won't be about making a fortune or being famous.  It's about connecting.  About helping others.  About seeking healing.  About offering healing.  About praise for the One who brings me through.
How sad I am to think of not ever doing it.  My friends laugh because I've said I want to write a book for so long....they don't know how I just can't right now because of circumstances.  So, I feel foolish talking to them about it anymore.
He has isolated me in so many little ways like that.  It's like I've been bound up.  I want to be free.  I want to breathe.  Dance.  Sing.  I want to WRITE not in secret.  But....not yet.  Perhaps one day I will have my chance.
grace to you.

Fatality

So, I had a horrible realization yesterday.  Probably explains my "funk".  He beat me.  There is no "winning" for me.  Because yesterday as I realized how little I can function when he's around, and as I was thinking how at some point I am going to need to break this tie....or drown.  I came upon a sad truth.  My dreams of being a christian author/ speaker were suddenly shattered.  So, if I stay, I am kept from it, and if I go I am kept from it as well.  People frown on divorced people in christian ministry.  And I wouldn't want that failure to be the thing people talk about me.  Apparently I'm not cut out to be a counselor.....the Nike counselor "just do it".....doesn't have a lot of draw. Can't be free to write living with someone who is a "real" writer...who ridicules my dream.  Can't write if I'm free.  Damned if I do and damned if I don't.  This hit me really hard.  Reduces me to jell-o.  What did I do and what was I thinking to let my life become this?  How did I manage to not stand up sooner?  And will it matter if I do now?  Will I really get to live?  Or did his shame in me already do it's completed damage?  Is there hope for something new, or is that a fantasy? 
He has hurt me more than any other person ever.  But I still cover for him.  I still try to talk nicely about him.  I still attach my value to him.  Because he is the nice guy that everyone likes and I'm just me.  I blow it as often as I get it right.  But.....here's the thing:  I LIKE me.  Even if nobody else is going to.  Because I know something about me.  I for real care.  I cherish.  I try.  I have something in me that hopes and likes to encourage. 
But, maybe it's too late for me to make it.
He's all excited and counting up my sub days.  Barf. 
I have to quit crying.  I have to go to work.  I feel alone this morning.  Alone in my realization.  Alone in the feeling that maybe I can hope for others' dreams but have to put mine to rest.  And it makes me angry.  At him.  Because he stole when he should have given.  Tore down when he should have built up.  I won't go into all of the thoughts in my wee little brain.  They aren't very nice.
Besides, I have to go to work.  Makes it harder with him counting.
grace to you.

My Heart

How can I believe that I am worth being treated well when I know as well how perfectly miserably I can behave?  It is a hard thing for me to reconcile.  Spent my getting ready time trying to put my finger on it.  You see, really, my beef with my husband has little to do with his behavior.  Though, those behaviors are the concrete manifestation of what is wrong...they are not what is wrong at the core.  No.  It's deeper.
When I say I have never been enough, I don't mean that I am less of a human being, I mean that my actions have never pleased....perhaps placated....but not elated.  Because there is no delight in WHO I am.  He doesn't even know who I am.  His behaviors when he's being nice have to do with him.  Not the objects of his kindness. 
My heart was breaking this morning as I thought...he was nice last night.  Then I remembered.  Part of the cycle.  Had his financial meltdown....laid it on me....feels better.....acts nicer.....until he needs to release his frustration at me again.  I AM the object of all of his frustrations.  Of his feeling badly.  All of those things are my doing.  But, I am never the object of his devotion, his nurture, his kindness....HE is the object of those.  Does those because it makes him look good or feel good.
So, my heart is tender this morning.  Because I realized that though he might put on kind behaviors, there is no support.  No foundation.  And it always crumbles when he "remembers" how short I fall.
grace to you.

In the Early Morning

I awake early. Wait to hear my son leaving.  Oh.  Oops.  He left.  For his own place to live.  Guess it'll take time to adjust my schedule.  Strangely, he always got himself up and was very quiet.  He didn't change my schedule on purpose.  It's just that he's part of my heart.  Part of my life.  Awakening on the days that he needed to go to work early just happened.  I never once had to wake him up.  Never once had to rush him.  He has done it on his own.  His own thing to be proud of. 
In this early morning I am reflecting how kids need things to be proud of.  That are theirs.  That they decided and accomplished.  Something that they own.  That no adult or other person gets the credit for.
I like the early mornings.  Especially when I don't have to get up!  That's my favorite.  However, today is a school day AND a work day....and a cross country day for my beautiful three.  So, I better get moving. 
In the early morning.  In the quiet.  I hear His voice.  It's important to me.  Easy to get caught up the rest of the day in the voices that hurt.  But in this morning time, He comes in loud and clear....even in His whisper. 
grace to you.

I Walk Among the Fallen

This world is full of fallen people.  Each and every one.  Some realizing it.  Others seeing it about "them" but not themselves. Others running from the knowledge.  None able to lift themselves.  All hurting.  Struggling.  Looking to be loved.  Treasured. 
Today a kid that's a recent graduate of an at risk teen program that my near nephew also graduated from, was shot four times.  The circumstances of what he was doing are unclear to me.  Yet, there's a good chance that he had returned to some of his previous behavior.  And, we all do that as we are growing.  Step forward, fall a little.  Push further forward....a little at a time.  The problem with these kids and the choices that they are making is that they are putting themselves in life or death situations from a very early age.  They are testing fate...literally.  But, sometimes, they are reached.  Sometimes, they make a change.  Sometimes, they figure out that people care.  That God cares.  But, even though they figure it out..even though they get a grip on God and He gets a grip on them, sometimes they stumble, fall or run headlong back to what they once knew. 
And that breaks my heart.  Not because they are evil or worse than any of the rest of us.  Simply because they make themselves vulnerable again to death, jail, or even being handicapped.  They open a door again to a world that will destroy them if given the opportunity.  And, what is scary is that I believe that because they do belong to God....there are those who want to do them harm more than they would if they didn't belong to God.
Some think it incongruous that a person can drink or do drugs or smoke or dance :) or have sex before marriage and still be known by God...and beloved.  I suggest a closer look at the scriptures.  It seems incongruous to me that people who know God don't know the possibility of evil within themselves.  How can they accept how great the forgiveness is if they never know how deep and dark their hearts can be?  That except for His grace, any amount of evil is possible. 
These kids.  Scare the fire out of this mama.  Running so hard and so fast to grow up and make their own decisions and not be told what to do.  Rebellious.  Some angry.  Most...feel alone.  Scared.  Doing everything they can to look the opposite.  Confident. Arrogant.  Sure.   And yet, such....children.  Needing love.  Father's love.  Love that permeates their souls.  Not just when they are doing well.  Not about their actions.  About who they are.
They can be gone so fast.  Because though they believe they are invincible, we adults know better.  They can be taken in one instant.  One decision.  One mistake.  One being in the wrong place. 
They need love.  They need people who care enough to say that some things are not ok.  Yes, discipline.  Not meanness.  But truth.  In love.  Concern.  Question asking.  They need adults not to be afraid of them.  Unnerved by them.  They are CHILDREN.  They need us.  Hard to believe it...they need us who are also among the fallen.  The ones who struggle.  Who have to face temptations and sin just as the kids do.  But maybe with a little more wisdom.  A little more thankfulness for knowing how we have been carried.  Perhaps we could show a little more compassion.  And hold a high standard.  Not by our words.  But by our own lives.  By our own depth of love.  By our own willingness to sacrifice. 
If I want to reach anyone in my life, I have to remember that I walk among them.  Just one of the fallen.  Who happened to be picked up.  Seems like it should make me want to pick up others.  Seems like many of the people I have met would rather just gloat that they were picked up and the others weren't.  No wonder kids don't want to grow up to be like us. 
grace to you.

A New Mix

Not a musical mix.  Not a baking mix.  A new mix of kids.  Oldest gone.  Next oldest gone.  Oldest related to middle.  Next oldest related to youngest boy.  Oldest was adored by his babiest sister.  And now....well, the middle is oldest.  And seeing as how the middle child is always striving to be noticed, to be better, to be regarded as much as they thing the olders and youngers are...well, now he IS the oldest and my oh my.  He's bossy.  He's opinionated.  He's trying to help.  He picks on the younger two.  Especially the one who is our baby boy but is now....you guessed it....a MIDDLE.  So, the new middle has to pick on the baby girl in order to try to re-establish some sense of still being the baby. And the baby is defending her territory with great gusto.  Yes, it's chaos and bickering.  Yuck. 
But, I was being patient.  Then, tonight I lost it and yelled at the tow youngers.  They have just spent the last half an hour communicating with one another.  Talking.  Asking questions.  Having conversation.  Good practice.  I hardly ever yell.  I have yelled twice in the last month.  I have one son that completely does not hear, register your presence or think that there's a problem if you don't raise your voice...and I still hardly ever do it.  Usually my kids are so.....easy.  I know that they have been thrust into a new life too. I get it.  I understand the dynamics.  I will not allow them to be unkind, mean spirited nor inconsiderate of one another.  I WILL hold the standard higher than that.
Because, at the end of any day, while they might think that the others are annoying, a pain, whiny, irritating, stupid, obnoxious, mean....whatever...they would still be devastated of anything happened to one of the others.  Because I know something that they don't even always realize....they LOVE each other.  Fiercely.  Not always affectionately.  But with a loyalty that will remain.  Now, they just need to learn how to SHOW it. 
Better be praying for me.  It's like getting a classroom that has been allowed to run wild for a few weeks.  But, I can do that.  And, I can do this.  Hopefully with no more yelling.
grace to you.