Chosen

Remember the "good old days" of elementary school when p.e.  consisted of choosing teams and playing sports?  I remember.  I remember because I would say "me, me, pick me...".  Never team captain.  Never chosen at the beginning.  And, I was fast.  I didn't have many ball skills though...nobody around to teach them to me.  I was strong.  I ice skated.  I was not coordinated with a bat, however.  So, what I had, they didn't want.  And....I was the kid without a dad.  The "different" kid.  After awhile, I kind of faded into the background as I waited for the "choosing" teams to end.  Because, after awhile, I realized that I wasn't really being chosen...I was being taken because they had to...and that the pain of the picking teams part was a distant second to the pain of being on a team that doesn't want you.  They don't cheer for you.  They say unkind things under their breath.  They stand about ten feet away from you.  Afraid to be associated with the last chosens....lest their fate become the same. 
Life's just kind of like that.  And, I'm getting closer and closer to 50.  Childishness still reigns.  People are still ranked.  It's still a competition.  But, I changed.  I decided that life is NOT a competition.  Life is so much more.  It is cooperation and independence and interdependence.  It is love and anger and joy and misunderstandings.  Life is....messy.  Like painting day in the preschool, you just don't really know what is going to be created. 
Though I chose a long time ago to step out of that...at least in my mind.....I still suffer the fallout at times.  The feelings of inadequacy.  Still know that it's rare to be chosen over anybody or anything else.  Thankfully, I am still changing.  Still growing.  Because even though that sadness remains true.....I am learning to let it go.  To focus on what real value, real worth, looks like. 
Don't think it's easy.  It's like having a second degree burn....it HURTS and throbs and never lets you forget that it's there.  But, though it's there, I can still behave differently.  Though people live to try to survive in this competitive world, I refuse to be a part of that mindset anymore.  Because it harms.  It makes people....children...believe that if they are not chosen, not welcomed into the team then they have no worth. 
I know it's not true.  Because I was "chosen" to get married.  But, never welcomed onto the team.  Choosing comes for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with worth or skill.  But, my value remains.  Though some days I have a hard time seeing it.  I am valuable because I was created for my own unique purpose. And, one thing I am becoming more certain of....it wasn't to simply fit in and make everyone happy. 
grace to you.