Let the Good Times Roll

The hardest part of my now is when I make myself look at the good times there have been.  I'd be way off to say that there haven't been.  And it's so difficult to go ahead and be honest in my head and let those tapes play...the tapes of the good times.  But, I am learning to do so.  Learning to understand that one thing does not negate another.  I am learning that though he has some very good qualities, those qualities have not been what we have needed to have a marriage.
I have come to see that everything I have, he wants.  I mentioned this already.  But, today, it came together more.  A dear lady brought me a peach pie yesterday. As I was getting a piece in the afternoon, he said that he guessed he would be getting some later on.  And, he did.  Then, this morning, with about 1/4 of the pie left, he says, I could just finish this off. It was.....awkward. I had made coffee and was going to enjoy it after I got food in the oven for the picnic.  So, I paused.  But then I said sure, he could.  He said, well, I could leave some because it's a pretty big piece.  So, he did.  A little sliver.  Which, I don't really need the food...there's plenty to eat.  It was simply that he knew it was a gift.  She brought it and told him and the boys so.  I mean....how come that isn't ok?  When I get money for my birthday, he wants me to put it in the general pool. Today, I also recognized that he hasn't ever said, hey let me take you out for breakfast this morning.  Or,
gotta go...he came home again.
how about you go to the store and get yourself something special.  Or, don't worry about that, I've got it.  Or, everything is ok.   Life is always a trouble.  There's apparently danger around every corner and financial ruin awaiting us if we eat at the local cafe once a month. 
So, there are these good times...but they are built upon the wrong premise.  It's back to that foundation thing that I've talked about.  So, the good times have these other things attached.  But, remembering the good times is painful because it makes me feel badly.  Feel like I should make his life better.  Give more chances.  But, for how long.  It's not like I finally just feel like he's unforgivable.  I believe that he is.  I just feel like if I try to continue to live this life then it's going to destroy the me part of my life.  And, I want to live.  I want to find purpose.  And, I feel like going on longer, I do begin to feel less kindly towards him.  That the good times will fade and it will all that will remain is the yuck.  I don't want that.
But........what do I want?  Really?  That's a difficult question.  I want what doesn't exist.  I wanted this to be right. But, it's not.  I don't think that it ever was.  So, starting over.  Wow.  That's a good thing but totally bizarre at my age.  Here goes....let the good times roll.
grace to you.